I planned on writing a post earlier today but this morning was one of errands. This is my first day off since last Thursday, and this day of rest has been a much needed one.
People are really frustrating me these days (mainly customers) and I feel like I am losing a sense of my identity at the store. Small things are beginning to bother me and wear on my face. Yesterday was horrible and I wrote (and then promptly took down) an angry post about it. Creepy guy came back and was...well extra creepy and I fear that I will (am) have to notify managers about him.
He painfully (intimately) brushed his hand against mine yesterday while handing me his money and then loomed over me to ask me my name. Luckily I was wearing a name tag that read 'Peggy Sue' (don't ask) and it seemed appropriate enough seeing that I don't want to hear my name come out of his mouth. Ever.
From him to my co-workers and general anxiety, I am full of quiet rage. A rage that makes me want to damage something. And I haven't had that feeling since High school. It's a feeling that I am not comfortable with. But I am beginning to feel swallowed whole by strangers. I am beginning to feel their impressions of me, causing indents to the person I really am, and it is causing a crack within my Psyche.
I am uncomfortable with people addressing me as if they know me. As if my name tag dictates familiarity. I am uncomfortable being on display. I am uncomfortable in my skin, and I don't need people trying to peer inside of who I am through the cracks. I feel vulnerable and exposed by people, and it's been nice to have a day all to myself. Where I don't have to worry about anything or anyone except...me.
I went to the library, checked out a good selection of books and then bought a dress at the mall. I never wear dresses, but it's too hot for anything else today and this one is super girly. It's so girl I may have to buy sandals to go with it. The dress makes me want to go to another museum and snap pictures of something or hang out in central park all day.
Though I am not a fan of the heat, I am looking forward to my first real summer in New York. There are some parks that I want to see, and museums I want to visit. I expect to buy some more dresses (or skirts) for these adventures and this summer will be a picture snapping one. Because I'd like to not sweat while walking around the city I am actually buying summer clothes, and for a girl who likes cardigans this is a step in the right direction.
Today has been a quiet, soft one. I cleaned, did laundry,listened to music and danced. It's suppose to rain later on and for some reason it smells as if it already did. A post is still pending after a few more hours of lounging, dancing and clearing my mind.
Damn today was a good day.
2 comments:
with your skirts/dresses and your picture-taking, you will be in EXCELLENT position to Meet Interesting People(Boys, but others). isn't there like some kind of summer art course you could enroll in? a photo class or something, something not super pretentious but that would put you in contact with artsy people???
re: bookstore. thanks to the new! e-reader! I have really become uncomfortable that a large part of my job is now lying to people. I HATE that goddamn nook, I find it very user-unfriendly, I'm awkward with it, I'm bored with it, it's a very expensive toy for overly privileged people. I am old-fashioned and retro, I know, in my love of books and *things* - it isn't just books, I love STUFF.
but now my minimum-wage-type job requires me to actively lie to people about how awesome the thing is, and it's making me really unhappy.
I can't even feign interest in the said e-reader. Any time I am forced to talk to customers about it, I end up discussing my love of holding books in my hand instead of digital devices. I too am an old school kind of girl. Though I have an ipod and computer, there are days when listening to a record or writing in a notepad makes me feel a million times better.
I am concocting some tentative plans for the summer. If I am going to be broke anyway, I minus well do it a) looking cute b) while in the throes of an adventure. Post of summer plans will be up shortly.
Oh, and are you making your way up to New York anytime this summer? Would be nice/stellar/amazing to see you, if you were!
Post a Comment