Birthday Miracle.

I have been a little mum on my financial situation these last few months because honestly I didn't want to jinx it and make it any worse than it is. I was fearful that even talking about how broke I was (am), how many bills I have forgone paying (except rent clearly) and how little food I have been eating was not something I wanted to put out in the atmosphere because I didn't want karma to have it all blow back in my face ten-fold because you know, life likes to kick you when you are down.

Honestly though, since December I have been living paycheck to paycheck...even tho my paychecks barely cover rent. This is literally the broke-st I have ever been in my whole life and I once lived off of 7.75 minimum wage at the library job when I was in college, so i know what broke looks and feels life.

I can't say my current lack of money has anything to do with quitting Le Sad Store but it did a little. Even though I only worked there two nights a week and I would bring home about $100 the cushion was nice. The hemorrhaging of money began with the big move in October, which led to money having to be spent on transportation (which never was an issue before) and now that I have a kitchenette the amount of food I spend on groceries has been in play concluding with my general cost of living...I simply don't make enough money at the University alone to pay for my life expenses.

The biggest issue has been the job at the University which recently cut the hours of all part time employees because the school is on the brink of bankruptcy. Instead of being able to work 30 hours a week we can only work max 20 hours, but that was the max was the best case scenario , since the cut and the snow days I probably work 15 hours a week and two weeks ago I only made $266 for the pay period. I may have cried so much I turned into a puddle for everyone to trek their soles through. It was depressing.

I immediately amped up my job search and got lost in the dark twisted world of temp agencies, job hunting websites and craigslist (which is an entity of it's own). For anyone who hasn't faced the desperation of job seeking, I will tell you quite painfully..it is the fucking pits. I'd wake up and apply to jobs, I'd search for listings on my phone on my way to work, i'd get to work and search and apply and repeat this process until my shift ended. Then, i'd go home to search and apply until I fell asleep. I spent 3 miserable weeks doing this, only to get less than a handful of interested employers.

And the few places I did apply to were great but fell through quickly:

there was an opening at the University for a full time job, in the city, with a bunch of job and fun employees (before my interview began, i heard someone crank up the radio because R.E.M was playing). I was probably older than the guy who interviewed me and we were both very informal and enthusiastic about me joining the department. But then he broke the bad news towards the end of my interview. The job's starting salary was less than my asking price (by like 10k) and while I was a shoe-in for the job he wanted to make sure I would be okay with the pay and having to commute to the city. Of course, I joyously replied that I would make it work because I wanted nothing more than to stay with the university. We shook hands and he walked me to the door and said he was looking forward to working together.

As soon as I got home I crunched numbers and realized I would not be able to live off of the salary and instead would be paying the University to work there. My paychecks per pay period would roughly be around $400 dollars ( 2 paychecks per month) and to put things in to perspective traveling to Manhattan per month alone is $436. While I was desperate and had no other prospects I emailed the interviewer and told him I could not accept the job offer but was grateful for the opportunity.

THEN, I had an interview with a publishing company in the city. My brief stint in publishing was not a great one. I love reading, I love writing but I simply have no interest of working in publishing.  Unfortunately, my degree and retail experience is tailored for the industry. I ended up finding a job at a small publishing company that was seeking a web savvy and adorable receptionist...and who else could fulfill the position but me. I interviewed with some awesome ladies and made an adorable impression on several of the employees (it involved me struggling to open the main door to the building, which lead to concern looks but eventual help from some of the staff smoking cigarettes outside). Before the interview ended they asked me for 3 references that they could contact. I scribbled down two of my current managers and then my friend Heather (who has helped me out so much with everything this past year). I placed Heather's name on the top of the list, hoping they'd call her and then left the interview feeling super confidant so much so that i spent the rest of the afternoon in the city hitting up comic book shops and flirting with booksellers.

But silence followed said awesome interview. No request for a second interview, no phone call, no rejection letter,  just nothing. I was so confidant that i'd gotten the job and so elated from the feeling of a new start that realizing I hadn't gotten it hurt. I just didn't understand why it didn't work out. A few weeks later my current boss called so we could go over some job related things. Before he hung up, he asked "do you know a woman named [insert interviewers name] she called a few weeks asking if I could provide some info on you but I was nervous it was a scam so I pretended like i didn't know who you were or what she was talking about". My heart freaking sank. He knew I was job hunting but he didn't necessarily know where or when and I made the mistake of thinking they would call Heather instead of my manager.

I slowly tried to recover from the setback but nothing clicked. I got a few calls from hiring agencies that all promised awesome opportunities to work in finance which only convinced me they hadn't properly reviewed my resume which showed little to no experience or interest in finance. I applied to several part time jobs in my neighborhood because of my eagerness to work anywhere but they were all looking for high school or college students..not me.

The week before my birthday my luck turned around, I got 5 interviews out of the 40 jobs I applied to and I spent 5 days talking about my self to various employers. It was rough.

One of the jobs i interviewed for was with a girlfriend of a friend who basically contacted me via facebook and told me there was an opening at her job and she wanted me to apply so we could work together. She used to work at Le Sad Store and dates my close friend Justin (they were the couple who threw the Halloween party where I learned all the crazy shit about Sean from his cousin). She is sort of quiet and withdrawn but super nice and every time there is a group outing she and Justin attend.  I wouldn't call us friends but she is definitely someone who I get along with and could become friends with down the line. Because we border on the friend/ associate border I was a little confused by her offer and general excitement to interview me (yes! she was the one giving the interview). So I took off from work, trekked to this lavish building and sort of hung out with her for a good 40 minutes while she went over the job and what i'd be doing.

She spoke as if the job was already mine and I asked questions as if the job was mine as well. I couldn't imagine her asking me to apply and interview with her only to be turned down for the job. That would be weird and insulting right, like dangling food in front of a starving person. Towards the end of the interview she admitted that she had interviewed a few other people but did not like them, obviously, as much as me but that ultimately she would not be the decision maker in who gets hired. She also added "so please don't hate me if you don't get hired. I really want you to get the job but my boss pretty much decides". She walked me to the elevators and then gave me a big ass hug and  I left sort of confidant but also pretty sure i'd have to move back to South Carolina if I didn't get this job.

As soon as I got home and undressed I got a text from Justin's GF "i have great news...call me back". Two minutes later she giggly said the job was mine if wanted it because her boss felt confidant with whomever she, Patricia, wanted to hire. And with that I now officially have a new job with benefits that pays well and I don't even have to work on the weekends.

I start this Thursday (current boss, perhaps feeling guilty for the reference fumble so he was okay with me starting the new job sooner than usual) and am nervous but also very excited. I have never had a full time job before. I have also never had money, livable or disposable income. I have had such a shit year I wanted nothing more than to enter my 29th one with a renewed sense of possibilities. And all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere I have been given one. It feels strange and odd and yet necessary like the more I distance myself from the missteps of Sean and Le Store and my old apartment and the endless tears the better the outcome for my life.

At least that is what i hope. So yay! I hope this trend of good news continues. I could seriously use a break and a change for once.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!

Just got offered a full time job!!!!!!!

My birthday is this Sunday and honestly I am not in the best celebratory moods.

All i want is a new job. A new job. A new job. For my 'birfday'. It would change my life in so many ways.

Please send all your positive energy my way to make my one and only birthday wish come true this year.

It'd mean the world.

Yours.

Beckett Amelia Hughes

Aging Up.

I am not a person who worries much about getting older. I enjoy it actually. When I was kid, the idea of being an adult was exciting, and even now though their are aspects of adulthood I absolutely loath, I think age, like wine, is something that gets better over time.

This doesn't mean that I don't freak out from time to time when I evaluate where I am in life in relation to my age. My friend recently turned 30 and weeks before her birthday she was damn near in tears talking about the big 3-0. There is this stigma that you should have shit figured out by then: a stable career, a solid relationship, ownership of your life in some drastic way. It doesn't help that most of my friends are currently around the same age as our parents were when they were having us. Which in some weird way makes us feel older

Because the last few months have been challenging I must admit that while I don't think I will ever fear the hand of time creeping up on me, I do hear it ticking from time to time, like the sound of a harmless fly trying to escape an enclosed space. In less than 3 weeks I will be 29 years old and I can't escape the fact that where I am at in life now is not where I saw myself at 29.

Since the big move and subsequently quitting Le Sad Store I have found myself in a weird place. I am suddenly as poor as I was when I first moved to New York six years ago. I am barely making enough money to pay rent and feed myself, I love my new place but it doesn't really feel like home yet and I miss my old life. I miss it in some weird Stockholm syndrome way. It's illogical i know, and even as I write this I know I do not miss much about working two jobs, never having the weekends off, crying every night because of Sean, living in someone else's house and sharing a bathroom. But as I am struggling to adjust to my new life it's fear of the unknown that  makes me nostalgic.

As soon as I moved to my new place I knew I was going to have to get a new job ASAP. At the time I was only working 2 or 3 shifts a week at the store and wasn't pulling in much money anyway. Combined with having to pay for transportation I figured it would be a good job to quit the store which I have wanted and needed to do for sometime. I was banking on acquiring a full time position at the university soon after to cover my living expenses.

In December I interviewed for and was about to get a full time job at the University until an email was sent out soon after winter break explaining that due to budgeting issues (a loss of 2 million dollars) a temporary hiring freeze would be in effect to any and all jobs that were not filled before break. My job, my relief from the storm, was one of them. To say I was crushed would be an understatement. I do not like being broke. I hate it. I loathe it actually. I have never been well off but I am not used to not being able to afford basic things. It's fucking depressing.

Since November my mom has been helping me out financially so I can look for a job and not worry so  much about money woes and while I am grateful I also feel incredibly guilty. I am still at the University but only part time and my love of this place has turned into resent in some way. It's an amazing place to work if you are a full time employee, if you are part time you are wasting your breath unless you have another job. Going back to Le Sad Store part time has never been an option. I filed a complaint against the new manager for sexual harassment (he didn't harass me but was making sexually explicit comments to other employees who came to me to complain) and while the claims were backed up he has yet to be fired and I refuse to work for him.

While I usually function best with a little stress nipping at me, this current stress is taking it's toll. I am unhappy. Miserable if i can be honest and it doesn't help that in a few weeks I will be another year older and for this first time in my life I feel like i have nothing to show for it. I don't have a career, I don't have companionship, i barely have friends and I cannot support myself.  I want to stop missing Sean. I want to a full time job with benefits. I want to be able to buy my mom actual presents this year instead of the i.o.u sentimental cards she has had to put up with. I want a new life and at the same time I don't think I want to be an adult anymore. Being an adult is too hard. Just too hard.

I write this only to vent of course. I have this unending belief that things will get better eventually, I just need that eventually to be today.

Le sigh.

Weekenders

I'm still adjusting to weekends off. But I can't lie, not having to go a work when it snows on the weekend is perfection. Just perfection.

Most Unpopular Girl in the Room.

I was never one for senior superlatives....but right now if one were assigned to me I think it would be that one. Le Fucking Sigh.

The last few weeks it feels like I have stepped into a time machine that has transported me back a time where I a) had little to no friends b) felt lonely and depressed and c) found comfort only under the safety of blankets because no one loves me and I am destined to die alone. Okay Most Likely to Exaggerate Feelings may also be a superlative I would win. But seriously the times are circa 2006 right now and I no likey.

I do not know what is going on in my life at the present moment. Not too long ago I was a person with friends, a social life, a disastrous but still discussion worthy 'un-romance'. I was worried about there not being enough time to tackle things. I'd sleep late and wake early. I had two jobs that kept me busy. I had concrete plans. And a cat named Memo. I was social and useful and while things weren't great I sure as hell was distracted.

The last few months have been very different from the one I once knew and I am not sure I am handling these changes well. The move into my new place was necessary and for the most part i love it. The privacy is awesome. The space is incredible. And not having to share a bathroom is the best! I've been sharing one for the last 28 years and suddenly I have one all to myself. I can take baths for as long as I want without someone knocking on the door.

I live in a college town maybe 10-15 minutes from where I used to live but without a car I often feel secluded from things. New York is a strange place; I am a bus ride away from one of the most populated areas in my county and yet my actual town feels small. It is the Stars Hollow of the tri state area with it's quaint and picturesque surroundings. But I am sort of stuck in this truly adorable town without any friends to explore it with most of the time because I am still adjusting. It's kind of depressing.

Speaking of friends: outside of Kat I am starting to believe I do not have many 'friends' left. I kid you not. Working at Le Sad Store was awesome because I was able to interact and form bonds with people on a weekly basis without having to put in much of an effort. Work became a hangout place where all my social needs were met. It was much easier to plan things around a bunch of people getting off work at the same time and desiring to have fun. But since I quit Le Sad Store I have not really dropped by mainly based on my own experiences with seeing old co-workers stopping in for the awkward 'so, what's new' spiel. Which seriously is the pits.

 Plus many of the people who I was close to aren't there anymore. Some how I thought it would still  be easy to maintain those friendships despite everything. But apparently I was wrong. Either I misjudged my closeness with a lot of people or I am just not as popular as I'd like to think. Maybe both. I sort of put myself in this position if I can be honest. Sean and Kat were the two people who i exerted all my real energy on but my dynamics with both were so differently socially. And of course now so is my relationship.

No one really liked Sean at Le Sad Store. He was a domineering presence who was cocky and moody as fuck but people tolerated him because of my closeness to him (and because he had a car). In classic form once our 'un-romance' feel apart and he joined the Navy I retained all of our friends but i realized I wasn't super close to them based on mutual interest, I was close to them because Sean liked to be entertained and to make him happy I made sure to be game for any asinine activity he wanted to engage in but could not handle doing by himself. Or more importantly that he wouldn't have been invited to engage in without me. Once he left so did my desire to participate in those things anymore and eventually people seem to have just stopped inviting me to do them.

On Kat's end I am the Jan Brady to her Marci. I often feel like her less attractive, less interesting sidekick that is often only required to supply comic relief. While Kat and I generally have the same friends I am never really asked to hang out with any of them unless Kathleen has been asked too as well. The last party we went to I was talking to a mutual friend for a solid hour at the bar. The conversation was lively and fun and Kathleen was not even within earshot of us. Before getting up to leave said friend said 'this has been really great, we definitely need to hang out soon...make sure to bring Kathleen with you'. This was not the first time someone has said this to me. I am certain it will not be the last either.

So now that we both do not work at Le Sad Store my worst fears have suddenly been confirmed. While Kat still remains in touch with a bunch of 'our' friends who want to catch up with her and hang out...I have not received the same response. We'll be hanging out and she'll comment on a text she just received from a mutual friend about establishing plans and they will mention me in passing 'oh, and tell Beckett I said hi", as my phone idly sits there with no calls, texts or even messages. What's even more depressing is in some cases my presence seems not as important. It does not matter if I miss an outing as long as Kat is there.

Last week we both got sick on a day we were supposed to hang out with a bunch of people from Le Sad Store. Leading up to the outing, my presence was a hit or miss. I was expected to show up but like most things it wouldn't be the end of the world...if i didn't. So when we both got sick leading up to the actual day my feelings were mixed. I felt guilty for not going but then not really sure if any would miss my absence. That night Kat received condolences and 'get well soon' messages for not being able to make it  (which she had no problem relaying/texting to me as I lay dying). I on the other hand was chastised for being selfish and possibly exaggerating how awful I felt to get out of the outing. Yep. No condolences, not get well soon...just a 'all of a sudden ure sick? mkay".

I am trying to keep my head and spirits up despite how awful things are and how bad I feel. I just need things to get better so that I can feel less despondent and depressed. My days consist of work, which is still only part time, and home. Both do not require much activity or socializing. Both are not satisfying either. I've hit this weird spot and age where I have no idea how to make things better or what exactly would make them better but I worry about being in this funk, friendless, love-less, unsatisfying disposition any longer than necessary.

It Went Away

Thanks to Life continuing to test my resolve (and fucking patience), I spent the whole weekend home sick with the Flu.

Every year Kat and I complain that we don't have any pictures of us together. As Bff's "there is something wrong with the fact that we have no documentation of our unadulterated  love' So on New Years Day (after I spent the night before crying over Sean), Kat and I went ice skating, marathoned The Affair (if there is one show you watch this year, please let it be this one), ate a butt load of junk food and decided we should take a series of selfies. Our last attempt at a selfie was three years ago on a hot summer day in Brooklyn. We were both sick and depressed and looked uncomfortable and sweaty in the picture. Needless to say this is not a picture we particularly like to look at or share with others.

This year we wanted to correct our selfie fail and after a few decent shots (and great lighting) she finally got a picture of us where we didn't look sickly or deeply depressed, which honestly these days is a look we pull off pretty well.

Unfortunately Kat didn't realize she was carrying the plague during our photo op and over the weekend she showed flu like symptoms. I of course wasn't too worried when she complained of feeling ill because I'm the person who usually gets sick well after everyone else. While I am not immune to getting sick I have been known to catch things weeks/months after everyone else. So needless to say I thought I was in the clear.

But then Thursday came around, the day that will forever be known as the "day i thought i was dying'. Or more accurately 'the day i got the flu but thought i was dying because I am dramatic' And while I love Kat to death I do believe I caught it from her during the hour it took us to properly take a selfie. I want to go down in history as the first person to contract the flu from being adorable with her best friend. Happens to the best of us, I guess.

Today was my first day out in the real world since contracting the bug and I do believe I have made a huge mistake in leaving the house. While i feel scores better than lastThursday (which included: vomiting, headache, fever and chills, aches and general pains) I do not believe I am well enough to be outside. I may have worn pajama's to work. I definitely did not brush my hair and I have faked sobbed more times than I can count because I just want to go home. Why is it not time to go home yet.

I will say that out of this sickness I did do a very brave thing. I FINALLY deleted/blocked Sean, his parents, his fiance and his fiance's mom from facebook. I should have done this back in May when he got engaged. I should have done this back in June when he told me I was immature and needed to grow up (yes a motherfucker did). I should have done this in July when his father and dad kept updating me about his deployment. But I didn't because  I believed I could be his 'friend' despite everything. I believed maybe there was still something left between us worth salvaging.

We resumed email exchanges and contact in  October. Nothing dramatic or noteworthy but it did occur. His emails were florid with rich phrases and grandiose language. He wanted us to talk more. He would read everything i sent him with care and consideration. He looked forward to seeing me in January. He got me sand. And it is not that I believed that he had miraculously become a better person due his time at sea, I just wanted to believe that he was capable of change and maybe that person could be someone I could have in my life.

But then I caught him in a lie. A small but very annoying lie and had it been any other person I would have been able to look past it. But the lie reinforced that Sean can and will never be a person who deserves to be in my life. He is a liar. He is a cheater and worse he is delusional. More delusional than I thinking we could ever have a healthy and loving relationship. So before Thanksgiving I told him i didn't want to be his friend anymore. I wrote him an email where I I told him that I did not think he was capable of being a good person to me. I let him 'have it' so to speak and he responded with such disregard to how he treated me it only fueled my rage:

"you are a grown adult woman and you know what it is you want and I will not be contrary toward you in that way....I will always care about you because I am a human being with a conscience and i generally enjoy being a good person....your last email made me sad because it seems you are under the impression that I am no more than what you think of me....there is much more to you than what I or anyone else could think, and the same is true of every human being...".

Yep. This was his response. It couldn't have been any more impersonal.

This of course did not stop him from sending me messages through facebook: Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Chrsitmas. Happy New Year which all went unanswered by me.

And then he came home for 11 days and while I wasn't expecting much from him..I still expected something, I guess. I deserved to be acknowledged, which i know sounds crazy and stupid because I voiced my sincere interest in not being his friend, but after everything I did for him, going to Chicago being one of the biggest things. I wanted him to grovel.  It's hard to explain, But I wanted him to be accountable for how horrible he treated me.

I wanted him to call. I wanted him to text. I wanted him to want to see me because I deserved at least that. In return I wanted to be in a position where I got to deny him. Where I got to decide if he was worth seeing and hearing and feeling. But he wasn't even man enough to give me that. Not really anyway. He sent me that annoying facebook message and then failed to get back to me. He once again dangled something in front of me without having any intentions of following through. He just wanted to be seen and heard. He did not put my feelings into consideration. He was a coward.

So this weekend I took the first step in distancing myself from Sean and I erased him from my digital life. I blocked his dad, his mom, his fiance, his fiance's mom and finally i blocked Sean. Having access to him digitally (and vice versa) was stressing me out. So while I only had enough energy for sleep and more sleep this weekend thanks to the Flu, I took a few minutes between vomiting and dying and decided that I couldn't put myself through this thing with Sean anymore.

I flew all the way to Chicago to share a very special life event with him and he couldn't even visit me while he was home on Leave for two weeks. There is a special place in hell for someone like that.

Despite my righteous indignation over this recent and perhaps finale insult, I will have a hard time accepting that I was wrong about a boy i loved so dearly. Because I did love Sean. I am not above admitting this and I want to make that clear to myself. I did love Sean, maybe for all the wrong reasons but I loved him. I didn't date in high school or college. I was not a girl boys eagerly gave attention to. I am pretty. I am nice. I am funny. But socially I am in a place where that has not gotten me far romantically. I am still too unconventional. I am still very hard to get to know. And my relationship with Sean was a first in a lot of ways.

He became important during a time when i was fractured and that too will be hard to reconcile. I was so angry when Marie died and for some reason it was easy to fall on Sean during this time. He was hard and lacked empathy and just allowed me to express anger like I have never been able to do. And when I was angry and jaded Sean was the only person I wanted and could relate to.

I think the problems began when I started to stitch myself together again. My anger was slowly replaced with a desire to love and be loved and while I cannot speak for Sean I think he started to care about me unexpectedly and so suddenly that it scared the shit out of him. It terrified him. It terrifies him. And this is not said lightly. Everyone who has heard about my situation with Sean has of course revealed their own story of the 'sociopath ex' who used, abused and dumped them. The boy or girl who treated them like shit and deserves a permanent spot in hell. And while those stories are very familiar to my own, I do believe that Sean loved me but just didn't know how to. Or if what he felt was risk losing what he was comfortable with.

Again this is all speculation. I can't and will not speak for him. I still think he is the worst human being I have ever known. I am still too hurt and upset by everything that happened. I regret that we both weren't a little braver. But I do not regret my decision to cease all contact with him. I can't let someone continue to let me down as if i am something less than human. 

It Never Goes Away

It's 7 degrees outside. 7 whole degrees. I wish this was an exaggeration but winter, which seriously took a fucking holiday in December, is here with a vengeance.

The new year so far has not been kind to me. I spent the holidays too broke to buy anyone anything and alone in my new apartment because I had no place else to go. I then spent the new year too broke to go anywhere and also very much alone. Okay I wasn't alone. Kat and I went ice skating and went to the movies and then fretted about our fears about the new year. But sometimes even when you are around people you can feel alone, especially when that someone is your best friend.

I was preemptively optimistic about the new year since last year was such a fucking mess. For a brief moment I felt like i could put the last year behind me with, i don't know, ease and grace. I thought i'd be able to shelve everything in a box labeled "the year of disappointment' and hide it out of sight and out of mind.

But luck is never really on my side. It is always there. It never goes away. The pain. The disappointment. The anger. The humiliation. The sadness. It never goes away, no matter how far I hide the box. It never goes away really.

Sean is in town for 11 days. I found out via his father who sent me a fb message. I spent a week ignoring all of his posts about being home and the pictures of him and his fiance (sporting a shiny new ring). I ignored the ache in my belly. I ignored the stab in my chest. I ignored the weight of what feels like the world on my shoulder. But more importantly I ignored Sean because the boy likes to throw out bait knowing I will grab for it.

Perhaps because of this he messaged me on Sunday telling me he was home 'until the 11th if i wanted to see him at all'. The tone was incredulous. Like how dare i not acknowledge him being in town. How dare I let the days go by without even saying hello. How dare I... his undesirable girl not reach out to him. How dare I.

So i sat there paralyzed in front of the message. i cried for hours. I cried into a ball. I cried until everything hurt. I felt possessed with tears and weight. I cried and then i wanted to die. Not actual death but evaporation. I wanted to evaporate and vanish into nothingness. It is what he makes me feel like nothing. Absolutely nothing.

How is it possible for one person to make me feel so awful about my own existence. Why does he still have this profound affect on me. Though my response, yes there was a response, was very blase there was a part of me that desired an eagerness from him to see me. There may always be a part of me that wants some sort of explanation as to why he choose to treat me so poorly.

I feel pathetic. I am depressed. I am also now very fucking sick because of the weather and perhaps because of disappointment. I want to die. Not actual death. But i want to evaporate into nothingness. Absolute nothingness where that pain is dulled at least.

Marie's birthday is this Saturday.

She would have turned 29.

As of last Wednesday I am no longer an employee at Le Sad Store. I seriously thought I would never ever get to say those words out loud. It still feels pretty weird.

My decision to quit was a long time coming of course. Since I started working there six years ago (yep six whole years!) i have hated my job in retail. Were it not for the friends I made I would have burned out from that job a lot sooner than I did. It has taken me some time to realize that a place does not make a home. Because my family moved often I can't say I have ever felt an attachment to a place. I used to believe I did. I used to believed I had a fondness for towns and houses or apartments or buildings because they held memories.

But now that I am older I think that fondness had more to do with the people who inhabited those places. It was more of a right time, right place sort of thing not so much the places themselves, you know.  And that's what Le Sad Store was for me. I was attached to the people more-so than the job or my position. Because if I can be honest the job effing blows and being a bookseller made me quite the shitty reader. And towards the end I wasn't even a great employee. I wasn't terrible, I showed up, helped customers, cleaned up but I spent more time hanging out in aisles or the back of the store or even the break room. I was never where i was supposed to be because helping customers was the least of my concerns.

I only looked forward to going to work because my friends were there. The work itself was too demanding for how little we were paid and I fear I will always twitch when I pass a Le Sad Store. Anyway, after Sean and Kat left I really didn't have any other reason to stick around. I only worked two nights a week and now that I live in a different town the commute was ridiculous. I am still trying to get use to public transportation (until i can afford a car) but I will never get used or comfortable to take the bus home at 11pm with a series of sketchy men and women on their way home. Google the song "freak comes out a night". That song represents my adventures on public transportation at night. Hilarious and scary.

I was tempted to stay on seasonally to reap the benefits of my employee discount around Christmas time but the store got a new store manager who i refused to work for. Ever. He has hit on every girl/woman who works there and uses his large size to intimidate anyone who seems uncomfortable with his sexual advances. While I am small in stature I do not put up with rapey vibes from people in power and gave him as much attitude as I could without getting fired. On my last night I reported him, anonymously, to our company, you know as a parting gift, by  writing a scathing email about the store manager and his sexual harassment of his female employees.

I then cat-walked out of the store forever with dramatic music playing in the background and smoke emanating from the shelves. Like the boss ass bitch i am....okay my actual exit wasn't that dramatic but it should have been. I actually limped out (i sprained my ankle two weeks ago) while my co-workers wished me the best of luck and encouraged me to visit when i can.

While I am more than happy with my decision to quit, I must admit adjusting to life without the memories of that place is weird. A year ago my days revolved around when I was going to be at the store. Now, my current day to day routine involves waking up at 8 so that i can shower, eat, watch tv before I need to catch the shuttle at 10:30 that drives me to work. The shuttle only makes a few runs from the Undergrad campus to the Grad campus daily so I have to catch this bus even though I don't start my shift until 1.

I get to school, hang out in the library for an hour and then eat lunch; which i now bring from home like some weird adult, because eating from the cafeteria is expensive and I need to save money. After my lunch is consumed I start my four hour shift at work which, if we aren't busy, usually involves listening to pod casts or writing silly stories. I catch the bus after 5pm and head home to clean, read and prepare for the next day. I talk and text, I make myself dinner, check messages and email, and settle down in my jammies so I can marathon Cupcake Wars on Netflix until i fall asleep. It's oddly domestic.

Don't get me wrong, my new found domesticity excites me. I am still very much a social person. I hang out with friends and have plans and am enjoying my life and independence. I am excelling at weekends and activity...the week days, not so much. This year has been nothing like the previous one and I marvel at what a difference a whole year has made. I am not lonely but some times I feel more alone this year than I have since Marie passed away. The chaos and noise was a distraction and I am beginning to miss distraction in favor of this slight isolation.

I know that things are a million times better than they have been. I continue to be excited over my small triumphs and successes. I love living on my own and the responsibility that comes with it. I got a minor cold this weekend and instinctively went to the medicine cabinet for drugs. Of course because I am use to things just being there when I need it, I was confused and shocked to realize that my medicine cabinet was empty of anything useful so I had to go to the super market and stock up on medicine. I've never done that before!

While I am not trying to measure the experiences against each other, I am aware of them. Every freaking day. And a huge part of my life was that store and now, that too, is gone. I have outgrown it like i seem to be outgrowing a lot of things.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween! I plan on spending the bulk of Halloween at home watching horror movies and eating pizza. Kat and I planned to go to the city to attend the parade but I sort of chickened out last minute. Because Halloween in on a Friday this year I can't imagine being in the city with barely dressed men and women until 2 in the morning. I am simply not about that life.

Recently I got furniture for my apartment: a couch. some end tables. and a tv stand. and my 'home' is becoming the comfy place of my dreams. While i could go to a Halloween party tonight or attend a 12 hour horror movie marathon at the indie theater near house...this year I kind of prefer to celebrate the Halloween as I used to:  alone with my movies and at home.

The last few weeks have been physically and emotionally exhausting. Don't get me wrong I've had fun in between but i am looking forward to the next few days of rain and home life.

I hope everyone has a delightful and fright-free Halloween.  

Never Gonna Change

I expect to get some very heated opinions about the questions I am about to pose...but I need advice. Actual, serious, taken out of context, life advice. And though I have gotten plenty of it on the subject ... I guess I just need one final one. And i don't know, I could use perspectives outside of my own or my moms or Kat's. I could use advice from everyone who has knows the emotional context rather than the physical one. I need advice and I don't know who else to go to or if there is any one I can go to who would understand better than you.

No matter how much I claim to be an pessimist, I will always have this thought/assumption/desire/hope that people can change. I will. I do. Despite everything life has shown me I am unable to shake this assumption. I know this because I have changed. I find myself changing constantly and for the better i hope. I am not who I was when I moved here 6 years ago. The girl I knew before Marie died and the girl I am today are different. I am more assertive and take more risks. I am a little jaded and distant. I crave experiences...I welcome change.

What I will never know is if these changes are a result of grief or a result of getting older. I feel they will forever be intertwined. I miss Marie everyday, I miss the girl i was when she was alive. But i admit that I knew the exact moment when i began changing and adapting to to life without her. It was a swift decision as not to drown in my grief. I wanted to distance myself from it and it became easy to do when I distance myself from the girl i was when she was here.

I know about change. I am not an expertise in it but i am definitely a product of it. So I know that people are capable of change; good or bad. They are capable. I know this much to be true. I deal with it every day.

Because this belief is such a core part of me...I am conflicted about Sean's desire to re-establish communication all of a sudden (do not make that face, lol, what else did you think i was going to discuss). Worst, because it is under the pretense that he is 'a changed man' his words not mine.

 Let me sum up the last few weeks: Sean contacted on FB because he finally received my birthday card. After ignoring his repeated messages for a week I curtly replied: glad you got your card. take care. He said he was going to send me a long email the following weekend to, idk, thank me or talk.

I of course held some hope his email would say something like: i'm a stupid motherfucker who doesn't deserve to know you but I am reaching out because  you were the best person I have ever known and I fucked up royally. I know this does not change anything but i will spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't treat you as well as you treated me.

Or something like that. Just saying. A girl can dream.

Of course his email, like him, was underwhelming. He spent the bulk of it talking about himself and life at sea. He brought up things from the past that I once found funny. He mentioned some things that I posted on fb and concluded the email with this:

I hope that we’ll talk more as time goes by. I will always respond to anything you send me, and I will also take the initiative and write you as often as I can. Take care and enjoy life. It passes by so quickly and yet also at a snail’s pace. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you in January, Beckett.

Love,

Sean

Don't even get me started on how cliche and grandiose it all sounds. I am fully aware. I wasn't going to write him back but after talking to Heather, one of my more practical friends, i decided responding back firmly might be better than ignoring him. I spent a few days penning the email and my words. I talked little of my life. Told him a lot has changed and concluded with this gem:

..you didn't have time for me in your life or more importantly to be apart of mine. That is why I've been hesitant about this recent communication. I have made space and time for those who can offer it back. I want you to know that I am not about bullshit or dishonesty these days. I have no patience for disrespect or disregard.  I have cut people and things out of my life that cannot support my desire to be happy or to offer it in return. I am safeguarding my happiness with barbed wire and I don’t want to waste either of our time if it’s something we can’t offer each other. I will never be ready to share my experiences and growth and life and stories with you as my friend if it is something you can‘t offer back. This is something that is not negotiable in my life.

Take Care,

Beckett

His response...

I want you to know that I am not ignoring the more serious points of your email, Becks. I read everything, and how I respond is thusly: I will write to you as often as I receive word from you, and I am sorry for the negative aspects of 'radio silence' thus far. I leave the rest up to you.

Not everything with me and you has to be a negotiation, but I’m glad you still keep it real. Stay comfy and cozy and enjoy your life. Also make room for jars of sand and rocks, if you still want sand and rocks.

Take care,

Sean

That was 12 days ago. I have not responded in 12 days. My relationship with Sean often feels like we are playing a game of Chess but neither of us are very good at it. The only thing we excel at is the part where we wait patiently for the other person to make a move (however poor that move is) and now it is my turn.

Right off the back, I am offended by how contradictory he sounds: i'll take initiative only if you give me permission. I am sorry for the radio silence but how and if we talk is up to you. And most importantly...the assumption that I want to see him or his stupid sand/rocks in January. Where the hell get that idea from.

In the few and limited communication we have had I get this impression that he is trying to convince me he is new and improved. That three months at sea has reduced him to a full fledged, respectable human being. That whoever he was, he isn't now and I should be open to this new and improved version of Sean; Sean 2.0  

But this is where the advice giving part comes in. Because while the big rational part of me is saying "Sean is full of shit" and I need to eliminate him from my life the other part of me knows that people are capable of change. I know this. I have seen it. But when it comes to this boy at this particular time in my life, it is not something i can believe or accept as fact.

In my heart I do not believe he is capable of being a good person or man. I am not swayed by whatever has transpired at Sea. I imagine that he is lonely and bored which makes him desperate for attention and affirmation. I know on a ship full of sailors much younger and/or much older than him that he is alone. He is without people telling him how great and awesome and funny he is. Even if they are lying.

But is this just jaded Beckett talking? Is this the girl who did not get picked, talking? Without invalidating all the fucked up shit he has done is there no question in anyone's mind, including my own that Sean is always going to be...you know, Sean. A person with questionable morals. A cheater. A liar. A Manipulator. A fucking psycho. Because this is who I know. This is who, in my mind he is always going to be. And while I know I can be a hard ass. While I know that I am not always so forgiving of those who fault me, I have given Sean more than enough opportunities to be a better person. Because maybe that is what (good) change is about; not being new but being a better version of yourself.

So maybe the question I am asking myself (and you) is...has Sean changed? Can he 'be better' And if so, does it matter? Does it matter?

I am 95% sure that the answer is no. Sean hasn't changed. Sean will never change. And unfortunately his best self is a let down. Always a let down. He is a person capable of hurting someone he claims to love. He is above all a liar to others and himself.

I struggle every day to realize that I deserve more. I obviously have self worth/esteem issues and have equated the many losses of my life as failures to sustain relationships. The hardest thing i have learned so far is that love is not enough. It doesn't make people stay. It doesn't save lives. It doesn't make you the victor in loving someone. It is great and all encompassing. It is a pleasure to give and receive but it is not enough. Not all the time.

 And i have often thought this means that I am not enough. That I am not deserving of this great elusive happiness. Have no fear I am slowly working my way out of this black and white thinking. I have to tell that nagging voice to quiet and let me breathe. And i do not believe now that Sean could offer that to me-happiness. I did once, not too very long ago, because i didn't know any better but I know better now.  My relationship with Sean was personified by that personal fear. He gave me the attention and surface affection I have never felt like I deserved and though it fed his ego it also. more aptly, satisfied my loneliness.

 Because I was lonely. I am sometimes more alone than I like to admit. I worry about this sometimes. And I just want to make sure this doesn't influence what Sean is trying to sell. Because even when I entertain the other 5% of Sean's proposal. Auto Sean. 2.0 Sean. Captain New... I open myself to disappointment. From himself and from me. 

I definitely could use some sage advice right about now. I know, i've heard it all before but I would like to know what someone would do if they were in my shoes. I get the sense that many have been in similar situation and they've survived it well enough. I'd like to believe I will too even though right now I feel a little beat up and worn down

Yesterday I bought a crock pot! A crock pot ya'll! And I am over the moon excited about my foray into cooking. Or at least crock pot cooking. I am trying to keep things in my life positive and care-free despite the recent communication from asshat. If i busy myself enough then maybe activity and will alone drive him from my thoughts and life. I'm not saying it is going to work. He sent me a long email detailing his life at sea. It was not poignant and sure as hell did not possess anything i was open to entertaining (an apology perhaps. some things you never stop wanting from people).

The email caused anxiety and the anxiety led to sleepless nights and bad dreams. The dream that sticks with me the most is of us sitting on a boardwalk cuddling and making promises. He tells me he has good news: that he is getting married soon and they are moving to Florida but he wants me to move in with them. He tries to sell me the absurdity of the situation. A mini sister wives thing that she has no clue she is embarking on. Of course I am livid that he would even bring it up. There is screaming and shouting and threats. We end up back at our hotel and he threatens to kill me for making such a big deal out of everything.

And then i wake up.

Obviously my dreams are trying to tell me something. So/But instead of focusing on the email, if or when i will respond back, and the complete and utter shit of an asshat that boy is... I bought a crock pot and am planning an exceptional weekend of food (spaghetti and meatballs), wine (by wine i mean angry orchard beer) and entertainment (Gilmore Girls is on Netflix. All 7 Seasons. What else am i expected to watch).

I am adjusting to the new place pretty well. I loathe traveling, which i now have to do five days a week, but everything about my new place and town is perfect. I don't have any furniture outside of my twin mattress, a desk and a chair for one, so the space is pretty empty. If all works out, I can buy a futon next week and maybe a TV stand (for the TV that is currently sitting on the shitty desk I built all by myself).

When i was a kid my art teacher always told us to fill the blank space of our canvas with as much color as possible (to each their own i guess) and as a studios kid I was always afraid of leaving any amount of white showing. In a way, I follow this 'creative' advice today when it comes to decorating. I don't love clutter but i do like things to look full. Things that look full remind me of warmth and warmth reminds me of home. I want this place to be home to me.

And a huge part of this place being home to me is being able to cook. So yesterday Heather, who really has stepped up the last few weeks in the friend department, and I went grocery shopping and then to Bed, Bath and Beyond where we both purchased crock-pots. She recently moved in with her boyfriend, who i swear she hates but whatever, and is adjusting as well to being an 'adult' as well. We are both struggling to manage food expenses. I am use to eating out all the time because my mini-fridge could only hold so many things for so long. She lived with her mom and sister and was use to food always being in the house.

Of course now that we both live on our own the food thing has been our biggest hurdle. So we planned our first big supermarket trip yesterday equipped with coupons and a few hours to spare. I bought all kinds of good stuff and saved money though I did splurge on buying oatmeal raisin cookies. Don't judge...they are delicious. Afterwards we swung by BB&B where we purchased our crock pots.

The last few weeks have been pretty rough and I am looking forward to a relaxed weekend at home.  Next week i am attending NYCC for the second year in a row, followed by a tattoo convention the following week, followed by a birthday/Halloween party, followed by the Halloween parade in the city with Kat. So this weekend will be the last one for a few weeks where i just get to enjoy some me time in my new home.

Anway, time to get back to work. I am counting down the hours until i can go home.

Earlier this week Sean sent me a fb message which i have yet and probably will not respond to.

 He received the birthday card and letter I sent and wanted to thank me. He's so happy I thought of him. He can't believe it took two months to reach him. He wants to email me immediately and i don't know, thank me some more or tell me me about his life

Of all the weeks for this damn letter to come back and bite me in the ass this is not the week. So much is happening in my life right now. So many  things are changing. I am changing. And the one person who has the ability to halt change is Sean.

I am settling into my adorable apartment quite well. My mom bought me a crock-pot which i am googling recipes for as i type. I quit Barnes and Noble. I have a new crush on a boy with a lame tattoo. I have longer hair. I am no where near happy but damnit if i am not excited about the changes in my life. I have been sick this week so I took today off to drink tea and eat soup and read Harry Potter. Without furniture the studio is spacious and i danced and lounged while it rained outside.

Today I was happy. My life is simple and small but it makes me happy.

And then Sean sent me a message and any of the comfort i have felt these last few weeks were obliterated. I am not going to lie there isn't a day where Sean doesn't cross my thoughts  I think of what i wanted. What i expected from him and what i ultimately did not get. I replay our relationship over and over again. Sometimes from the beginning but mainly from where we left it off: i tell him i can't be in his life anymore the way he wants me too. He responds "i got you sand from another country". There has been radio silence since July.

Sending him a birthday card and letter was probably a mistake. But I couldn't help myself. For someone who has treated me like i wasn't worthy of his time I wanted to do something nice. I wanted him to know that I still cared and remembered his birthday. And the letter i wrote was sincere and kind and heartfelt. I wished him a happy birthday. I wished him well on the high seas. I told him i wished we were more honest with one another because when we were it made me happy.

I gave him more than he ever deserved and i don't think he'll understand how much of a toll that took on me. There is nothing worse than giving your best and someone still telling you that it isn't enough. So while a part of me has been waiting and wanting for Sean to establish contact the other part is tired of being the girl who waits. Not romantically for Sean to get his shit together but emotionally and mentally as a human being.

 I am not ready to talk to Sean. I may never be ready to talk to Sean. He is still the same person who told me that I was nothing in compared to his great and amazing girlfriend. At this precise moment as i waver between responding back or just ignoring him, I can only surmise that nothing good will come of it. I worry that he is a jinx. That things have been going so well because i haven't looked back. And i fear that if i do, if i respond to Sean, if i open up the channel of communication that all of my progress these last few months will be as wasteful as his promises.

And truth if it is my happiness or his on the line, mine is more important and more valuable.

Moving On

The amount of changes that have occurred in the last 3 weeks are astounding and if ever is the time to be take note of the signs the universe is throwing my way...now is it.

I moved into my new place last Wednesday and outside of commuting, which i fucking loathe :as a person who is perpetually on time, I cannot understand why trains and buses aren't on time. Okay, i can give some leeway for buses; but traiiiiiins?! come on, i absolutely adore the new place. It's the size of a studio apartment sans the kitchen. I have a actual refrigerator and cabinet to store food. There is a built in bookshelf and a reading nook. I  have alcove ceilings and in the morning there is so much light that comes in through my five windows! five! I am in love with my new home. I have a home.

Combined with my new home (a huge big change), I finally put in my two weeks notice at Barnes and Noble last night. Now that I no longer work there i can retire the Le Sad Store title. I've gone back and forth on this decision for months. The extra money is nice, I like working around books and my friends are there. That''s what i have been telling myself this past year. But honestly, I only work 2 days a week so I am not pulling in that much money. I like being around books but working around them is actually soul sucking. People continually butcher titles and authors names. I do not deal with customers who enjoy book, more often than not, the people i help hate the books they are their to buy. Also, not many people I know work there anymore. Compared to last year I actually feel like a newbie at BN or worse like a fifth year senior. The place is the same, the shit i put up with is the same but the people who made it bearable are no longer there. They got better jobs, they moved, the simply quit. I lingered.

So after a really rough and ugly night at the store on Monday (my new manager is incompetent and let another manager take the fall for a mistake he made) I decided to jump ship. I have put up with a lot at that store but now that I don't work there often, my friends are all gone, and the commute is awful, I can not justify stay there. I just cannot. So i let one of my managers know yesterday and I in a few short weeks I will no longer be a bookseller.

I've applied to some part time jobs closer to my house in hopes that I can make up the 2 shifts i am losing at BN. If all else fails, I can also take up some hours at the University I work for. Regardless this is a decision that was hard to make but has made me happy. I hate that place. I am starting to dislike most of my employees and seriously commuting at night is the pits! The train home smelled like beer and piss.

Two very big life changes have happened so quickly that I am starting to get the feeling that I am doing okay. Whatever trench/ black hole/ desolate space I resided in  this past year has suddenly opened it's door and let me out. Decision making and executing plans and putting things into motion has given me purpose. I am a person again. I am a person and there is something liberating about it. Scary as hell but liberating.

Today is the day I quit Barnes and Noble once and for all. I'm a few months shy of when I originally planned to but this decision is a long time coming. Now that I'm living in a different town the commute combined with my general unhappiness there solidified my decision. Last night I experienced one of the most disastrous closes of my time there and at this rate i'd rather jump ship then stay any longer. I have a bunch of vacation time to utilize which will hopefully save me from being completely broke. I'm nervous as hell cause I don't really have a plan B but when the time is right the time is right. I will no longer be a bookseller. My life continues to change at an accelerated speed.

World Record

Six days ago my landlady dropped a bombshell on me. She and her daughter are moving to Connecticut. End of September. Less than 3 weeks notice. This is some illegal ass shit and needless to say I am more than pissed.

However my industrious nature has payed off. A friend and I checked out a place yesterday and it was great. A small efficiency (a studio without a kitchen) with a private bath and entrance from the main cottage style house in a small college town nearby.

Six days. Six whole days. I lost a place and gained a place. My current landlady, the one who put me in this jam, is being a total turd and refuses to give me my deposit until i am completely moved out of the room i occupy now. This is unacceptable. She gave me less than a months notice. She sprung this shit on me out of nowhere and now she won't give me back the deposit I need so i can move. My mom says I should take her to court (but nothing was signed when i moved in), My friends think i should 'beat her ass' which has crossed my mind every night this week.

Instead I've opted to move out this Monday. My new landlady wants someone to occupy the space as soon as possible and while i was hoping to have more time to go through my stuff, I want and need my money back from the lady i rent from now. If i move out Monday she owes me my deposit and half of Septembers rent which I paid for days before she told me the news.

I have never been more stressed in my life. Between packing and taking extra shifts at work and searching for a place and seeing places I am a little worn out. I haven't admitted this to anyone. I do not know how to accept help. I have never known how to accept it because I fear being a burden on people. It is my worst fear since i was a kid. But this time around I haven't had much choice but to accept a little bit of help. A friend from work drove me to the place yesterday. Kat and her boyfriend will help me move on Monday. My mom has all but given me all of firsts month rent to live in this place. My friend Justin offered to bring my packed lunches if i can't afford food the first few weeks. My cousin is giving me his old dresser.

The amount of support I have gotten in such a sort time has overwhelmed me. I worry about being lovable. I think I am incapable of it. And this week, though I haven't asked for much help, the people in my life have gone above and beyond to do so. I can't even comprehend why  but they have. And it means more to me than they will ever know.

Hopefully the clusterfuck of this situation will come to a close soon. My new 'studio' has a built in bookshelf and a reading nook and five large windows. I've been asking for a change for such a long time I guess I needed a bit of a push.

Le Sigh.

Stay the Same

It's weird how quickly things can go from marginally okay to a complete and utter shit show. I am simply amazed by this swiftness. Thanks life. Thanks a lot.

The last few days/weeks/months have been okay. I wouldn't go so for as to say they were great but okay suffices. Post Chicago vacation was filled with a lot of loneliness and contemplation. I liked being new in Chicago and returning to my life here where everything reminds me of the small failures was tough. 

I wanted to quit Le Sad Store as soon as I got back from vacation but the extra money helps and after the disaster that was my last interview I couldn't risk living off of a part time paycheck. So I am still there though only 2 or 3 times a week. Even still the shifts are excruciating. There use to be a time when I loved going to the store, now I can't even stomach my four hour shifts which i spend mostly sulking in the aisle. 

Then Sean's birthday rick-rolled around and what i haven't told anyone is that despite the two months of radio silence (absolutely no contact) since I emailed him and his father, i sent him a birthday card and have been waiting patiently for some recognition of my kind gesture. The radio silence is hard i'm not going to lie. I don't miss fighting with Sean. I don't miss feeling insignificant. I don't miss wondering what our relationship was. I don't miss any of that. 

But i do miss what i wanted from us and it's hard to stop missing him during those moments of loneliness. You realize that choices, whether they are yours or someone else's, have a ripple effect. Him joining the Navy, getting engaged, being deployed has all but excluded me from his life. Or rather the life i wanted to build with him. As I struggle often with simple day to day stuff: remembering to take my stupid vitamins, gathering groceries, planning weekend activities, trying to get a full time job, I often wonder if they'd be easier with him around. It's stupid i know but i am not above admitting this to myself. 

I am someone who wants to divvy up the responsibility for once. I am independent. I am resourceful. I am clever. But shouldering everything alone is starting to wear thin. It's wearing thin. And there is a part of me that is angry at Sean for giving me a false sense that he was a person who could take some of the weight off. I thought he was Relief but then he abandoned me.

Regardless, I sent him a birthday card weeks before I went to Chicago because I knew it could take weeks to get to him. I wanted him to have something as I expected he'd get nothing from his girl or family. The day his birthday rolled around I knew the card hadn't reached him but i didn't send him an email or post facebook well wishes. I refused to do so. A few weeks after  his birthday I got a notification from the post office that he'd received his card and I, stupidly, was expecting him to thank me for thinking of  him despite everything. He hasn't. Not a two word thank you email. Nada. Nothing. I regret sending it. I regret the words i wrote. I regret the sentiment behind it all. Most of all, I regret still expecting him to be the relief, after everything. 

Outside of Sean and Le Sad store, the job on the university has been going great except for the problems arising with the guy I work with. I knew this guy from Le Sad Store and he is uber nice and cool. About a year ago he quit the bookstore because he was having issues with a manager and was in desperate need for a job. Despite Kat warning me that he could be a lazy worker I got him in touch with my boss who hired him soon after. Now, it's just the two of us in the office. He works the morning shift and I work the afternoon one. We only see each other for about 15 minutes a day but of course we are friendly because we are friends. I think this kid is awesome and talented and smart. Every weekend a group of us from Le Sad Store grab food and gossip, He is always invited because he is well liked by everyone. But as an employee he is so lazy it is starting to effect his work. 

He's messed up a few jobs this summer that I have had to re-do and I keep getting complaints from professors and administrators about his lack of attention to detail. Recently I have been getting an influx of jobs in the afternoon because people don't want him to do their print jobs. I usually get out of work around 6 now because of the demand for me to print things. I don't mind the work. I like having everyone's trust but Alex and I are getting paid the same amount for work he isn't doing. Plus he sometimes picks up extra shifts on our other campus because he has a car and can get there. So in fact he may be getting more money despite the lackluster work he does on our campus. 

It's very frustrating and recently he came to me because he can't work Mondays and wants me to work his shift. Which i don't mind. He offered to take one of my shifts to make up for the one he will lose but in doing so i realized that I may end up losing a lot of hours because of this. And I can't lose anymore money. 

So this has been my life for the last month or so. I am managing. And it hasn't all been bad. The end of summer was pleasant and cool. I have the weekends off now and spend it with Kat at parks and museums or with my Aunt in the city. I am taking a literature class and am so happy about reading and writing papers again. I changed up my look recently, opting to get hair extensions, and feel and look like a brand new me with a new bob that is the color of an autumn leaf. I may have a potential office crush as well. His name is Dan. He has tattoos. He really like burritos. We've only talked about burritos but he's super cute. And he's tatted!

I am managing. Despite all the changes. I am managing. But the newest change has me anxious as fuck. Since leaving my aunts apartment, I've been renting a room in a really nice house in my area. It's a sweet gig. Sort of a dorm room like living situation but great because i have a lot of privacy. My landlady and her daughter are nice and friendly but keep to themselves. The house cat has pretty much adopted me and I am close to both jobs. I've been there for 3 years and have never had a problem. 

Saturday Kat came by to pick me up so we could head to a booksale nearby. As soon as I get to the door, my landlady comes rushing out of her room asking if she can talk to me for a moment. Of course I am a little anxious because she looked so serious. Apologetically she tells me she has to sell the house we are all living in because she is having a problem with the man who owns it. The house is old and needs a lot of repairs that she cannot afford and she has decided to move into an apartment in Connecticut with her daughter. 

I almost cried. If i didn't have such an aversion to crying in front of people I would have bawled. I've been wanting to move out for a while. I am not going to lie. At 28 I want my own space. Living at my current place has been awesome except for the fact that it isn't my house. I've had people over, mainly Sean, but it's always been a tad bit uncomfortable. I have access to the kitchen and laundry room but I feel comfortable in my room (which has a mini fridge and microwave) that I barely leave my room when i'm there. 

Eventually I want my own place, even if it's just a studio, I want to come home to my own little oasis, throw my pants on the floor and dance freely. But realistically i can't afford that now. Realistically i can afford being a person in a spare room. And now that everything around me seems to be changing, I guess i was counting on my home life to stay the same. I needed it to. So i have not been taking the news well not even because i am terribly attached to where i live. 

I hate having to look for a place. I hate the idea of having to adjust to someplace new and if roommates are involved, someone new. I hate the process of packing and moving. Of deciding what stays and what go's.  I go on auto-pilot when tasks are in front of me. Soon after the news i went the bookstore with Kat and searched for places online while i browsed books. When i got home I immediately started throwing stuff out and packing. I do not have time to focus on the emotional aspects of what is going on. I need a place to live and the urgency brings out my industrious nature.

However the moments when my brain isn't frenzied over packing and scheduling appointments I am sad and anxious about where I am going to live and how i will adjust. I am freaked out by another change that could not wait until I was ready. I am tired of everything lately and wish that things would just stay as the are, stay the same, until i can catch my breath.

ugh, look who's looking for a new place to live because her landlady is moving to Connecticut in less than a month? This chick.

When it rains it pours.

Working On It

After Kat picked me up from the airport this Sunday, we headed out for a late lunch with a few friends. The late lunch had little to do with the fact that I was back in town and hadn't seen anyone in two weeks. My friends like food and this dinner was planned in advanced, i just happened to be in town this weekend to attend.

The night before a friend from work threw a BBQ at her sisters house (who is away on vacation) and much of the same crowd from that gathering attended lunch at this small authentic southern food joint nearby. Despite wanting to see everyone and share stories about my trip, I was reluctant to go. I knew i was going to be tired from traveling, i knew that i needed some time by myself after spending a week in a hotel room with my mom, i have felt quite disconnected from most of my friends (more to do with my mood than my actual affection for them) and i didn't want to shake Chicago off so quickly.

All in all the trip last week was exactly what i needed. I was able to go away and not be me in a sense. I was a stranger in a new place and i liked the feeling. I adapted quickly to the city and the streets and the atmosphere and felt at home. Chicago is absolutely stunning; the city is surrounded by water and at times intercepted by it. You can't turn a corner without sensing you weren't too far from a beach or lake. Despite being a huge city, it often felt smaller and more intimate.  And everyone was extra friendly and nice, there were so many parks and local attractions. I didn't want to leave.

I had a much better time than my mom though. I have never considered the fact that my mom is getting older. I am still at an age where she seems pretty invincible to me. She was an active mom when my brother and I were younger. She'd pull us out of school sometimes just to take us to a park so we could play baseball or throw Frisbee's. Like me she is small but strong and because this is what i have known it's hard seeing her in any other light.

But she was diagnosed with diabetes two years ago and her health hasn't been that great since. Not terrible but not great. She's been exercising and eating better this past year but she is not as active as i remember. Her work conference only lasted 3 days and we had another four days to ourselves. While I wanted to ride bikes along the riverfront and head to museums (stuff she would have enjoyed doing some years ago), my mom had little interest in leaving the hotel. In fact had i not been there I think she would have spent the next four days in bed or worse she would have cut her trip short and headed home.

There were times when this inactivity annoyed me to no end. I can often times become readily annoyed by things. I am irritable. Not all the time of course but sometimes. With my mother especially I was put off by how little she wanted to do. I didn't want to go hiking or stay out past midnight. I didn't want to spend hours in shopping centers or take long bus tours with other strangers. I just wanted to take pictures and visit parks and eat great food. I was able to do some of this while i was there but often alone as my mom had little interest in participating. I take that back, she did participate but for only so long before she wanted to head back to the hotel.

It was sort of a bummer. At times i was taking her demeanor to heart especially when there were lapses of silence between us. She seemed bored and distracted most of the time. She constantly talked about my nephew and her desire to see him as soon as she got back home. Her energy was only reserved for so little activity and often times I preferred being by myself if only because i felt less stressed around her. It felt like we were on two different vacations. It felt like we were strangers.

I called my brother frequently for advice and reassurances about the mom situation. He told me that our awkward exchanges had little to do with how we felt about one another but about where we were in life. My mom is a grandmother who is a few short years away from retiring. Her days consist of work and home. She lives in a small southern town where her favorite pastime is going to thrift stores. She is settling down. And I couldn't relate to this new version of her because it differs so greatly from where I am in life. I guess i wanted us to share our differences rather than be distanced by them.

Regardless of the awkwardness we managed to enjoy the last day in Chicago together. I finally had a Chicago pizza and hotdog. We walked on the riverfront for a short time and we stumbled upon a used bookstore and record store within the same block. It wasn't a particularly magical day but it was good.

Of course when i landed in New York Sunday i was a little homesick for vacation. I love Chicago. I loved everything about being there. I have a strange fondness for being new because I rarely feel I fit in. And lately i don't feel at place anywhere. I have this desire to start over every few years. To try a new version of myself out in the world until i feel happy. And lately this desire has been relentless because my unhappiness is vast.

I am unhappy here. Just unhappy. A lot of it has to do with the fallout of the Sean drama (and today being his stupid 28th birthday isn't helping a girl out). A lot of it has to do with being 28 and having nothing to show for it. A lot of it has to do with loss and my continued feelings of emptiness. Everything here reminds me of something and that something usually causes an ache. This feeling was evident during dinner on Sunday, i just felt so disconnected from the familiar faces at the table. Kat kept asking me if I was okay and I replied 'of course' but I wasn't really.

I wanted to be somewhere else. Not necessarily Chicago even, just anywhere else. Though i joked relentlessly that I want to move there permanently I am not sure if the lure of the city has to do with the place itself or just my overwhelming eagerness to move on. To be somewhere new so maybe i will feel new. I don't know. I just don't know.

I sort of need the next few weeks to be great. I need a pick me up but i realize i will have to take huge steps myself to make things better. Not being on Facebook is a huge step. That motherfucker is a deathtrap of depression for me right now. I want to give myself a month away from that site, just for my sanity. Of course it feels a little weird but i'll adjust. I am trying to compile a list of things to look forward too; Kat's birthday being one of them. That girls been good to me and I want to celebrate her birthday as best possible. Outside of that i'm not sure but because crawling out of my skin and life in favor of a new one is not a possibility, i'll have to make do with what i have.

I think it's Love

I am back in New York after 7 glorious days in Chicago. My trip this time around was a vast improvement from my visit  this winter and i can honestly say i love that city and want to move there Asap. I have loads of pictures and videos to post (most of them using a 8mm app) and because i temporarily deleted my facebook account ( this week on social media is going to be rough thanks to someone's stupid birthday) I will post as much as i can right here. But first i need to shower and unpack a little and sleep. 

I had my interview with the other University today and I do no think it went well. I was all sorts of personable and adorable and enthusiast but one of the interviewers seemed unsatisfied by my lack of administrative experience. He was totally nice about it but when he found out that i have never worked with advising students about their curriculum he got all dull in the face and i got the sense that it was a deal-breaker.

Any other week i would totally be bummed about adding another bad interview to add to the list. Any other week i would lament about how shitty things are and how i am never going to get that studio apartment where i can make my own homemade lemonade. How nothing every seems to fall in my favor.  Any other week i'd feel defeated.

 But, not this week because i'm about to go on vacation so honestly the only fucks i care to give is delegated to packing and buying clothes and cleaning my room. My bucket list of things I want to see and take pictures of has been drafted. I am bringing my big fancy professional camera along and of course plan to take and instagram as many pictures from my phone (the above shot is from my first trip their) as possible.

I'm flying out early Sunday morning and will be in Chicago for a whole week. A whole week! The real world and it's shittiness will just have to wait until I get back.

~Beckett

I have an interview this Thursday for an administrative gig at another university and I have all sorts of mixed feeling about it.

I currently love the University I am working at. I have my own office. My hours accommodate sleeping in late while also ensuring I get out of work at a good time. It's only a 30 minute walk from my house. And the lady in the cafe hooks me up with extra chicken in my quesdilla. I also work on the same floor as the cute IT guy who i've have yet to form complete sentence in front of but there have been intense staring.

The problem is my job is only part time. I have no health insurance. I get no paid sick or vacation time. And there are no raises. The hourly rate i started at is the hourly rate i will make until i leave. If I had another part time job that wasn't Le Sad store I could realistically work two jobs for the next couple of years and survive as I have without a problem.

But lately i've been wanting things that have forced me to look for a 'real job' or at least a salary job. About a week ago we had this epic thunderstorm and I ran outside on the porch to watch it. I wore nothing but a flimsy skirt and t-shirt and listened to Smother by Daughter on my ipod. I have never been happier, which says a lot because the last few weeks have been tough. It was just me and the rain and music and I was incredibly happy. I spent an hour on the porch and when i finally went inside I realized that if all i could have were thunderstorms, lemonade and a porch to chill on i'd, right now anyway, be content.

And while i like where i live right now i really would like a space of my own. A small studio with a kitchen and a living room space. I want to be able to come home and have this place that is all mine. I want more space to decorate than my bedroom. I want to bring people into my home and have them feel comfortable. I want to be able to enjoy rainstorms and homemade lemonade from my own home.That's it. That's all i want right now.

Of course obtaining those things means I need to make more money and at this rate I'll be renting a small room forever if i don't figure something out soon. Change has always freaked me out though and I am nervous about the possibility of working at a new school. I have no real sound reasons for this apprehension, i just do. For this reason i was only applying to positions at my current University because of comfort but I've either heard nothing back or gone on shit interviews like the one last Thursday.

It was for a position on the undergrad campus which i spent an hour getting two via the schools limited summer transport. While i got there early for my interview I had to wait an extra 45 minutes because my interviewer wasn't ready. When i finally met with her she informed me that she was an HR Manager and that this interview was just the first of many to come should i be deemed fit for the position. She spent 10 minutes going over my resume (verbatim) and then dismissed me.

I was not pleased, especially because I took off of work to meet with her and this interview could have been done over the phone. She did not get a thank you for meeting with me email. And she won't.

I was actually hoping not too much in the job hunting department would happen this week because of my Chicago trip but the assistant to the Dean of whatever called today and was uber nice and excited to talk to me and I have an interview this Thursday.

Fingers crossed I guess. I could really use a nice studio apartment and kitchen to make lemonade and a chill space of my own to listen to dope tunes.

In less than two weeks i will be in Chicago with my mom for a short vacation. I know, what?!?!?!?!

In the weirdest turn of events my mom has a work conference in Chicago for 7 days and asked me to come along since my last visit was limited and underwhelming. She had no intention of going at first but I sort of begged her to go on the all paid for trip and to bring me along because she's my mom and loves me and stuff. 

So yea, less than two weeks away i will return to Chicago like a prodigal child. I am very excited about this. 

You don't know how much i need this freaking vacation. Or maybe you do. I am tired and lonely and feeling in the pits lately about everything. 

After a small panic attack last week I decided to email Sean and tell him not to contact me anymore. Of course because it's me, the letter was a lot nicer than he deserved. I told him that i appreciate him trying to stay in touch but that i am no longer apart of his life or the one is creating for himself. I told him i wish things could have turned out differently and that i hope he has a great life as i will not be a part of it.

I now wish I would have written something meaner and that I sent that meaner version to his fiance (where i said things like:  he is lucky i stayed in contact with him this long. that he doesn't deserve kindness from me. that i am angry at him for taking advantage of me and that i don't wish him or his fiance luck. The fiance whose email i now have and want so desperately to email about how shitty and sketchy her boyfriend is. And that i can describe how he looks naked and that he said he wishes she would die so he didn't have to deal with her. I would end the letter wishing them a loveless and unhappy union for as long as their sham relationship lasts).

 But i decided that was too harsh and to be the better man and take the high road. So I hit send on my nicer version and waited nervously near my computer for a response. 

The response i got was typical of Sean: which means i was disappointed, confused and fucking angry. I don't even think he read my email because if he had the last thing he would have responded with was: "I got you sand from another country. But i can't tell you which one. ~Sean" . That's it. That's what he wrote. I spent two days drafting my email and he writes back that he got me sand. SAND

I was disappointed because I wanted an actual response from him. I of course wanted a 'you're right. I'm awful and  I don't deserve you'. I was confused because did he even read my email? Did he read the part where i told him i was not going to be around for him anymore. Did he read the part where i said our lives aren't going in the same direction. Did he read the whole 'goodbye Sean' line????

But mainly i left feeling angry because his response meant he either read the letter but is not validating what i wrote OR he didn't read the letter and is still trying to string me along via hope. Hey Beckett i got you sand from another country. Remember how happy you were when i brought you sand back from Delaware!!! So that means i am thinking about  you while i am at sea. And that when i get home i''ll have something to bring to you. Because i love you and i'm sorry i'm a douche".

What bugs me though is that it's a fucking lie. Because Sean lies to make things easier. He's just not very good at lying. Because honestly where the fuck Sean getting this sand from. I mean really. He is on a boat. In the middle of the ocean. I assume they are on land for some time but not enough time for him to magically collect sand and bring it aboard. He did not collect sand for me (even if he did it wouldn't mean anything) He lied and created a story to keep me interested. He lied so i'd stick around. He lied because it was easier than the truth.  

Ugh. That motherfucker.

Since then i have been in a funk. Not even because of Sean and his shit ways but because lately everything feels different. I don't feel like i have attachments to many people anymore. Kat has her new job which is making it damn near impossible to hang out with her. I am never at Le Sad store, due to me quitting soon, and when i am there I am bored by what people want to tell me about. Everyone around me seems to have someone or some thing to keep them occupied and here i am getting emails about Sand. Sand.

So i am more than ready for this vacation. This time around it'll just be my mom and I and we already have a bucket list of things we want to see and do. I need time to be away from everything that reminds me of how things use to be. I am excited to be in this new place where no one knows who i am. I am not heartbroken Beckett. I am not displaced friend. I am not annoyed employee. I am not sad girl-sweat pants.

I'll just be in this girl in a big beautiful city snapping pictures and wearing cute dresses. For a whole entire week. I need that.