The Art of Disappearing

I am incredibly good at disappearing. I have always been good at this.

A lot of it probably has to do with my size. I am tiny, like Olympic gymnast tiny. My vertical challenge is also compounded with my often slender or svelte frame. This was not always the case of course. Much of high school and college was spent feeling awkward in my soft/round frame. I was adorable and cuddly like a stuffed animal but even still I hate looking at pictures of myself from those years because of my roundness.

Living in New York is the diet I currently live by. I walk a lot because I don't have a car and I've always eaten like a bird so when I first moved up here I lost so much weight I hardly recognized myself. While my weight fluctuates like any normal human being, I am comfortably small which makes it easy to disappear/ slip through things / escape quickly without anyone noticing.

My skill also has a lot to do with my personality. I can be secretive, often evasive and distant. Outside of this blog, I don't like talking about myself. I only like to offer up enough information so people get a general sense of who I am without knowing the whole story. I save being open, honest and fully present to a very small handful of people. I am not sure why this is either. I don't think I will ever understand why.

The point is when I make a decision to remove myself from a situation or person, I do so as soon as my mind is officially made up. I disappear. I slip away. I make myself as unavailable as possible because it's the only way I know how. There are few to no take backs in my very complicated book and world view. I mean obviously this is harder to apply in certain situations. It took me forever to decided to move on from Sean and even then it was a hesitant and slow disappearing act. But when it comes down to it the moment I hit my breaking point, I remove myself completely and swiftly. It's the only way I've know how.

I bring this up because I recently decided to end my friendship with Kat and in doing so have completely and utterly removed myself from her life. I have chosen to disappear and no longer be friends: a decision that did not arise overnight. My blogging has been very spotty these last few years and there are gaps that I have not had the time to fill in properly. Despite my overall closeness to Kat, my friendship  has been a downward spiral for little over a year and this decision was one that evolved and came into affect over months of deciding.

My relationship with Kat is murky and it would take several posts to summarize the last few years of it. What I will say is that we bonded at a time when i was desperately in need of a friend. We were friends long before Marie died but in a lot of ways after she passed Kat and I's relationship became stronger. I needed and wanted a close friend to remind me that I could connect and be engaged with another human being again and Kat was always willing to provide that. Of course when the boy stuff happened we only had each other to confide in and we become inseparable due to shared suffering.

But there is something about having an inseparable friend when you're 12 years old and when you are 30 years old. Our closeness began to wear thin pretty quickly because she expected more out of our friendship that i was willing to give. She wanted to hang out all the time, I had to text her everyday or she would feel slighted. If I made plans with other people she would openly express jealousy. If I made plans to do something by myself she would openly express annoyance that I did not include her.

Though the behavior was odd, I sort of just let it go because who doesn't want a friend that  is your right hand man. Who doesn't want to have a person in your life that you know is always available to go to the movies or museums with. I've had the most fun with Kat during my time in New York. Most of our outings were effortless and fun because wherever we went we'd spend most of it talking about things that we were both interested in: books, arts, boys, pop culture. We could turn outings to the city into night long adventures which usually ended with us laughing until our stomachs hurt. Or we could have a chill hang out at my place watching Gilmore Girls and contemplating our place in the world.

But while I valued our closeness, moving to a new town and in a new apartment created this fierce independence I didn't know I possessed. I began healing and thriving independent of our friendship that gave me a renewed sense of...productivity. Though I still loved hanging out with Kat, I quickly grew tired of our routine because I wanted to try new things and meet new people. She expected us to hang out every Friday in my apartment for hours watching TV followed by solidified plans of hanging out on the weekend. She'd get annoyed if I had something going on that would prevent us from hanging out during the week and this made me feel like she was preventing me from becoming whatever person I am trying to become.

It became overwhelming during the holidays when she expected us to spend Christmas Eve together opening presents and watching Christmas movies at my apartment. I expressed my disinterest in participating in that activity for several reasons and her response to this was very immature: why don't you want to spend the day opening presents, why can't i hang out at your house, why are you being so mean I just want to hang out, followed by catty like behavior for the next few weeks until I finally conceded and we spent an afternoon opening our presents in front of each other. Like children

I guess where the shift began was Kat's all consuming need for me to make her my #1 priority. Every decision I made had to indirectly affect her. Eventually every decision she made was directly related to one's i made. Soon after moving to my adorable town she announced that she'd like to move there also and get an apartment down the street from me so she could drop by my house whenever. At first I thought this was a joke but a few weeks later she admitted she found an apartment 3 blocks from my house that she wished she could move into. Luckily it sold before she could even ask to see the place. 

THEN I told her about my interest in getting a car and based on that discussion she went out that weekend and leased a 2016 Subaru Legacy because "if you deserve a car, I deserve one too". THEN she ask if my job was hiring because she thought it would be cool if we worked together again. THEN when i told her I was going to take my mom to Washington D.C, she booked a trip a few weeks later and stayed at the same hotel I booked with my family.

I know these seems like very minor similarities but jebsus meffing fiest! I felt like I was living the plot of Single White Female, except with someone I've been super close to for the past 5 years. I was always aware hat she had a habit of 'copying' out of love. If i liked something she would try her hardest to like it as well, in some attempt to relate to me BUT i am not the kind of person who likes that attention and  never found it flattering. Instead I resented her and what I perceived as a blatant overstep in our friendship.

In many ways I felt like her copying allowed her to take credit for ideas or achievements that were never her own but that she was getting validation for. And it annoyed the crap out of me. She would tell me that she only got her car because I inspired her to get it and then she accidentally sent me a text meant for another person where she talked about her new adult purchase that she made all by herself. The fact was that I knew Kat  as a person who couldn't make any decision without the approval of someone around her was greatly different from the person she presented to the world. The person she presented to the world very closely mirrored me and things that I did or talked about doing.

In order to prevent myself from resenting Kat I decided to distance myself a little. I started hanging out with other friends and planning activities that didn't involve her. I still put aside time to catch a movie with her every once in a while  (and Fridays for the most part resumed as normal) but I wanted to create a boundary with her where was one was lacking. Naturally she did not take this well. She thought that I didn't value our friendship and said that "people would kill to have a friendship like we do and you are outgrowing it. that's sad". Before crush boy became bye boi she was worried that he would cut into our 'us time" and got vocally upset when i wanted to reschedule plans to hang out with him.

Now, I know what you are thinking because I have thought it to but Kat has been in a serious relationship with a great guy for 10 years. They live together and have talked about low key marrying because both aren't going to just up and start dating someone else. Though Kat cheated on him twice she admitted that she would never leave him because he treats her like a fucking queen and honestly he does. But Kat is a person who likes to have the best of both worlds. I think she is used to getting undivided attention from her boyfriend that she expects this sort of end all-be all commitment from her friends and that was something I was not willing to do.

I love Kat. I think she's dope but in her mind she was okay with me just being there only for her. and no one else. If she could plan the future it would involve me remaining a dutiful, faithful friend who is always available to her when she needs me to. In doing so though, I didn't have much time to pursue my own personal interest or relationships because she demanded my attention constantly.

After several months of living like this, I completely got fed up two weeks ago when I told her I saved up enough money to finally buy a car (this is before I knew that my enough was not actually enough). I only told her this because she picks me up on Fridays for our mandatory Friday night chill-fest and I wanted to let her know that she wouldn't have to do that soon. Her response: speaking of big news, so I've decided to go to Chicago for my birthday. It was a last minute thing but you talked about how much you liked it and I figured I would like it to"

What? Asaywhat? Awhatthefuck? I don't know why I was annoyed by this announcement but on top of everything else this just seemed to be the icing.  Home girl couldn't find Chicago on a US map a few years ago and now I inspired her to go. It was at this point that I admitted to her that it makes me uncomfortable that I inspire her to do things that end up very seriously mirroring my own experiences. Despite my frustration and anger, I promise I told her this in the most polite but direct way ever. And her response "ARE YOU KIDDING ME. ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF SINGLE WHITE FEMALING YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL CANCEL MY TRIP NOW AND RETURN MY CAR WHILE I'M AT IT"

She eventually calmed down but the fact that she herself brought up Single White Female as a reference makes me think this is not the first time someone has accused her of copying. We ended the conversation on what I thought was a good note and then proceeded to hang out as normal that Friday. A few days later I texted her about her trip to Chicago and what she wanted to do for her birthday when she returned. Her response: No. Thanks tho.

It was at that moment that my disappearing instinct kicked in and I decided enough is enough. I don't want to be her friend anymore. I don't want to know someone who cannot support my ideas and aspirations but instead robs them from me. I cannot be friends with someone who wants me to sacrifice my own happiness to cater to her own. I do not want to be friends with someone who only months ago gave me an ultimatum: be my friend like I need you to be my friend or I am done with you.

So, I made it easy for her. I disappeared. I faded. I slipped through the cracks and made a fucking break for it. I sprinted as soon as she gave me a petty window to do so and because my decision making is very absolute, I have no plans of turning back. There is so much I want to do and see. There is so much I want to accomplish and be and man o' man did it feel like she was in many ways preventing that progress. Cause progress is what I am about these days.

My Exhuastative and Never Ending Used Car Buying Experience.

Jebsus Mucking Fiest. If I new how hard this car buying experience was going to be, I would have created a time machine to go back 10 years and not fuck up my credit  so I could just lease or finance a car like a normal adult. But alas, that is not my current financial situation so a couple of months ago I made the decision to save up enough money to buy a cash car.

I know, I know....I've already heard all of the arguments between leasing/financing vs. buying but i must reiterate my credit is crappy and I don't feel comfortable leasing a new car with fancy things like heated seats which my bum does not need. I like owning things because I didn't grow up owning many things.So after researching my options, I decided that I would save up enough money to buy a car with cold hard and earned cash. I am pretty cheap by nature, so it only took me a few months to save 5k which I thought would be enough money to purchase my first vehicle.

It's not.

Ever since telling my friend Heather that I was prepared to go car shopping, I've been dragged to countless dealerships that a) don't have any cars in my price range or b) have cars in my price range that I have no interest in buying (I'm talking about you 1996 Buick). The search has been disheartening to say the least. But yesterday Heather sent me a link to a 2009 Nissan Versa for 5k. It was a gem of a car ( I gem i tell you) and in any other situation I would have been over the moon at finding my potential new vehicle.

But then I started crunching numbers and realized that my 5k budget did not include tax and stuff. Insurance and stuff. Registration fees and stuff. I suddenly went from "omg, omg I think I found my dream used car" to "wait, by the end of the actual transaction I will have spent a little over $800 more than my budget. $800 that I honestly do not have and could not borrow from anyone".

As soon as I realize this I tell Heather that I don't think we should head to the dealership to look at this vehicle because i don't have the money I would actually need to buy the car. This is the point where Heather becomes super overwhelming "but you said you were looking for a car" "this is the gem we've been talking about" "I can't keep driving you around like a cab if you're not serious about buying a car" "are you afraid of driving" "are you stalling because you're afraid of driving" "am i pressuring you into doing this".

My mind and body shuts down when I am emotionally overwhelmed. It just does. I lose words, I lose thoughts, I lose mobility in my limbs. It's like I can feel myself float away from my body and I am literally watching the situation outside of myself. It's the closet I think I will ever get to one of those outer body experiences, except that I experience them during duress.

So I'm sitting in Heather's car and she keeps going on and on and on about what I want to do. Except she isn't really asking me what I want to do (because I've already told her " i can't afford this car right now so I think it's a waste to head all the way up to this dealership and I'm not ready to buy" she is demanding an answer from me and I can't deal. "why are you changing your mind" "why don't you have enough money" "why am I wasting my time" and I just feel awful because I didn't know how hard this car search would be and had I known I would have waited a while longer instead of getting my hopes up that I'd have a vehicle by the end of the summer.

We eventually got to a point in the conversation where I simply told her I was not ready to continue looking for cars unless I had more money to cover all the expenses. And because that is not the case, I have to put off buying a car for a few more weeks. She seemed satisfied with this answer but there is still a bad taste in my mouth about the whole day.

Thanks to the interwebs, I was reminded that I moved to New York 8 years ago this month. My mom and I took an amtrak from South Carolina to New York so she could drop me off at my aunts house. I had maybe $70 in my bank account, no jobs prospects and and a small duffle bag of clothes. 8 effing years ago. I was 22 years old. I thought i was going to move to New York and work in publishing and life would just start and work out the way I imagined life was supposed to work out. It didn't. The last 8 years have been anything but easy.I struggled and I fought for bare scraps and only now am I at a point in my life where I feel like my efforts are paying off. Little by little. Day by day.

BUT I am surrounded by people who have it easier than me so it can make it hard to relate. I sometimes feel as if I am playing catch up because it seems like everyone else in some way or another has an advantage.  Heather recently told me that her bf paid off her 6k credit card debt because, well he could. When I brought up buying a cash car at work, several people chimed in about leasing because they all have 2016 vehicles and pay only $230 a month on car payments ( i can't afford that). Kat had someone write her cover letter/resume and applied to jobs for her because she complained it was too hard.

I hate that I'm envious of their situations. I hate that I hear the phrase "well if you could do, i knew that i could do it to" because it implies that I have made things look so easy and yet have achieved so little.  I was so annoyed recently cause Kat decided she wants to go to Chicago for vacation this summer. She said they wanted to go to Hershey Park for her birthday and the she decided that because Hershey Park is not far from Chicago (please google it. It is not) that they would just drive to Chicago right after because "if you've been to Chicago it can't be hard for me and [insert boyfriends name] to go.

I should not have been infuriated by this news but i was only because both trips to Chicago were exhaustive, expensive and challenging experiences. I didn't suddenly have the urge to go to Chicago with some person willing to drive me and flip the bill on the whole trip. I was just brave, reckless and stupid (my general traits) and look where they got me.

The same sort of envy has arisen with this car search. We hit up so many dealerships this past week that my wallet is full of business cards from sales people who were so nice out of pity. During every visit Heather would say something like "i can't believe no one has been a jerk to us yet. My budget was $15k and people were so rude. You're practically poor and people are being so nice". I don't need to be reminded of how poor I am. I don't need to be reminded of this. When did having 5k in my bank account equate to poor especially when I used to have little to no money at all to even feed myself.

I am frustrated that in comparison my achievements don't feel like actual achievements because I seem to fight for things that my friends obtain easily and/or with added assistance. Kat literally purchased a new car because I told her I wanted to get a car and she figured if I could go out and get a car she could too. I still do not have this vehicle I talked about getting almost a year ago. I am still taking public transportation where today an ant crawled on my face. An ant.

I am frustrated and tired and a bit of a Charlie Brown this week. I know that things with me are always going to be a struggle because honestly I like being the underdog. But sometimes even a dog needs to be thrown a bone every once in awhile.

Boi Bye!

As you may or may not know, I had a little bit of an office crush these past few months. I didn't want to talk about it because after the Sean situation I have learned not to let myself get to wrap up in something that could or could not be.

This boy sort of came out of the blue though. He started working for the company about a year ago as a marketing representative and I did not think much of him when he first started. He was super quiet and hard to read and seemed only interested in coming to work and going home. When he did talk, it was only if someone brought up something nerdy (which was usually me) but then would retreat into silence as if he never uttered a word.

I remember thinking he was okay but then characteristically being turned off when during one of these rare moments of interjection he said "i have a girlfriend." after I made some remark about wanting to drive a Volvo. I thought the comment was so random and was a little put off that he said it as if I were digging for an answer I never questioned him about. My little bit of curiosity flew out the window after that day and I sort of went about ignoring him like I do everyone else at my job.

However, a few weeks later  he brought up the fact that we had a mutual friend in common. I was minding my business at my desk when he came over and sort of announced that I popped up on Facebook as a mutual friend and that we knew someone in common. I am not sure why this made talking to him easier but it did. The moment he mentioned that we shared a friend we instantly hit it off and the last few months have been great in the work friend department.

Turns out this 'boy' is the most introspective, musically talented, philosopher I have come across in a very long time and I was quickly swept up in his mystery. He was an engineer major in college because of his interest in numbers and concrete answers. He sort of 'fucked up royally for a while' and took a job in marketing because he needed to get his life together before applying to school again. He likes hip hop and philosophy, is a professional gamer outside of work and once quoted Plato and Thomas Jefferson during our many rambling sessions.

Because my office is super weird, we spent the most of this time getting to know each out via Slack (a g-chat isque form of communication which served the purpose of making us look busy at work while simultaneously allowing us to chat for hours with no one really knowing).  We spent the first few weeks getting to know each other on a superficial level, asking each other questions about our past, present and likes. He was a jock in high school turned nerd. He is a foodie and likes driving to remote areas and writing lyrics. He is self conscious about his weight and height(he's a giant compared to moi)  but he's also super aware about everything and everyone around him.

I can't remember where we went from superficial to in-depth but to put it bluntly: I found him fucking fascinating. I kept telling him this when we first were getting to know each other. He'd send me song recommendations throughout the day and every song, every melody every lyric was so beautiful I felt like he knew me. He'd genuinely want to know stuff about me and then be totally reciprocal when I asked him questions back. We shared enough similarities to make us friends but enough differences to keep each other engaged. He is fascinating, self-deprecating but honest and whenever i got the chance  I'd tell him over and over again upon each new discovery that I was utterly fascinated by him and his mind. Just fucking fascinated.

Of course, once we got past the initial stuff I knew that I liked him in a way that bordered on romantic and platonic. I may be a person who is unable to have a lot of platonic male friends. I am a person who does not think men and women can easily be friends without some sort of feelings shinning through. Trust me, I have had a lot of male friends I did not like in that way. But I have noticed that most of the guys I tend to like and fall for start off initially as good friends. I am more comfortable dating someone that I have a history with (be it a small 1-2 year friendship or in recent cases someone that I've known for a super long time) and more often than not, I (or the person) end up making a decision to just be friends or have suffocating feelings for each other. There is no black or white.

But  based on my previous mistake, I knew that I should probably squash any crush feelings that could come to the surface because he mentioned he had a GF when he first started working here and I just don't ever want to be in that situation again. So I enjoyed making and having a new friend. He made work the best place in the whole entire world and introduced me to the most euphoric music I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. BUT THEN, during one our conversations he said that he broke up with this GF (the one who drove a Volvo) months ago and I mentioned that I too was single and I'm not sure, something just clicked.

He started driving me home after work, where we spend the ride home talking about the universe and music and life. We'd smoke weed (i know, i know...i only smoke socially) and ask each other questions and bond like i haven't bonded with any other person in a long time. I couldn't get over how open and honest he was about everything. He seemed filled with regret over being someone who picked on people in school but then also very apprehensive about his future and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with this life. And every time we'd get to this point of our interactions, I'd become even more fascinated.

But for every great interaction between us, he'd respond by sometimes retreating for days into silence. I tried not to take it personally but of course that was pretty tough to do cause I enjoyed talking to him and being around him. Despite our shared singlehood, I wanted mainly to be his friend because as his friend we could see where or if anything transpired. And because I knew we only had a limited time left as colleagues (he was accepted to an engineer program and would only be working in the office until August) I was tasked with becoming his friend while also leaving our budding friendship open to progressing naturally.

I thought I was doing a bang up job of this. Thought being the best word i can think of at the moment. Despite the pitter patter and the rumblings on interest in my chest, despite catching him on numerous occasions starring at me from his desk, I tried to keep it as friendly as possible. Not so casual that he didn't think i was interested but not so suffocating that it would scare the living daylights out of him if he wasn't interested in me that way. It's a hard line to walk but I felt pretty good about how I was going about it AND he seemed pretty receptive about my approach. But then last Friday rick-rolled around and boy o boy....

So, we planned in advance to chill after work his last day. He is a professional gamer so he had a tournament to drive to that night but said he still wanted and could chill after work because it wasn't out of the way. We left work mad early (because Fridays everyone is on a summer schedule), drove to my house, smoked in his car and talked about everything under the sun. Towards the end of hanging out I told him that I thought he was a really dope guy and that he made work bearable and that if he wanted to hit me up anytime to just chill and hang out or nature walk and write lyrics, i'd be totally down for that.

Good, right? Well, i thought it was good. Especially since I am not a person who willingly puts herself out there. Nope and more nope. It makes me uncomfortable and I am petrified of rejection. So after I said this I was hoping, yes hoping, that his response would give me  hope that I have moved past this Sean situation a better brighter person...with a potential better brighter boy on the horizon. I was hoping but that hope was quickly dashed.

"Um, yea, maybe. I mean, i don't see myself coming up this way for a pretty long time so that might be impossible but I'll definitely keep you in mind, maybe".

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I am emjoi cringing right now.  That is definitely not the response I was hoping for. One bit. After he said this, i said "oh, okay" and then slinked out of his car like the loser I apparently am. I haven't talked to him since and I guess, I won't ever talk to him again since you know...even being friends was sort of out of the question. Surprisingly despite the initial disappointment and embarrassment I am super proud for putting myself out there even if my attempt got chewed up and then spit back at me. I may have been baby birded in a negative way but you know it happens and it doesn't feel...devastating.

It feels a little liberating knowing I don't have to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want to be my friend...or my friend. It feels a tab bit liberating that I can have an interest in someone, have nothing come from it and still just kind of move on. Like today, I woke up, put my hair in a bun, got some coffee from Starbucks put on my gangster rap and heavy metal playlist and went about my day killing it at work and maybe even at life.  Maybe I am just finally learning that rejection is a part of life but it does not define my life or the strides I am making everyday.



 

Qulams

It's been over 3 years since that disastrous night with Sean went down and despite coming out of the situation in a better, healthier place...i fucking hate that I am still plagued by that night and the aftermath. I hate that I carry his words with me, even now, even after all this time.

I've been having a pretty shitty couple of weeks. Nothing major, just anxiety related stuff that has made functioning like a semi-normal person a hard task to undertake. Kat is being difficult and needy which only makes me needy and cranky. Last Friday after work we had tentative plans to grab dinner and see the new Ghostbusters movie. Her brother has been having an equally shitty couple of weeks so she invited him and her bf Mark to dinner and the movies. BUT during work that day 'the boy' asked me to chill after work with him. I texted Kat immediately and told her that I would probably have to skip dinner but would meet them all at the movies because something came up (followed by emjoi eyes and a wink). She went batshit and said that I made plans with her first so i couldn't skip dinner cause her brother was looking forward to the night.

Needless to day the boy and I did not hang out that night.

On top of my continued issues with Kat, my mom and I are in the midst of a mother-daughter argument that has brought out the petty 16 year old me who went out of her way to make sure people knew when they were being ignored. My mother is my best friend and that is probably why when we do argue, which is rare, it feels like having an argument with a friend rather than a mom. We've been passive aggressive to each other the whole week. Work, oh work, is becoming stressful because they want me to give me more responsibilities, since I am doing so well at my current tasks.The problem with this is that by dumping more work on me, it has sort of prevented me from excelling at my actual job. I feel like they (and maybe everyone in my life) thinks I am a swiss army knife, capable of performing all sorts of functions upon request. I am definitely not a swiss army knife. I am a tight rope walker: just trying to balance myself on the line so I don't crash into the ground.

Pfft. Splat.

When I am anxious, like i am now, my sleeping habits are terrible. I generally am a perfect sleeper. I am like a cat, I can  curl up anywhere, anytime to take a nap that turns into deep sleep pretty quickly. I fall asleep fast and can clock in 8 hours of uninterrupted shut eye. But that is when I am not anxious. When I am anxious, going and staying asleep is a struggle. My mind wanders, my body is tense, i drum up every single thought and explore it with frustrating vigor. The other night I went to be around midnight (cause the DNC has been killing it this week) and woke up at 3 and could not shut my mind off to return back to sleep. I was miserable and cranky the whole next day and instead of resting peacefully when i  got home the restlessness remained.

Like most things in my life I am ruled by cycles and my general unease and anxiety is almost always related to something in the universe. July tends to be a hard month for me in many ways. It's a humid, sticky, uncomfortable time of the year. I am a Spring baby who loathes the heat and the shine and desire for activities outside of my house and July is the epitome of summer and I just can't handle. But as I was tossing and turning the other night, it finally dawned on me: 'it' happened almost 3 years to the day.The disastrous night at Sean house that could have been nice and murky and disastrous which instead turned out to be awful, swamp-like and disastrous. Over 3 years since "it" happened things said and both unrevealed.

3 years since he showed me who he was like a moth emerging from a cocoon. 3 years since he freaked the fuck out at being exposed and revealed. At being naked and vulnerable and in need of someone like me. And because he felt all those things ( i imagine) he lashed out and said I wasn't good enough, that I would never be good enough out of both honesty and fear. He said I was a mistake and that he never saw a future with me at all because he wasn't a attracted, he was never interested.

3 years since I understood what it meant to pitied for the 2nd time in my life. The first being when Marie died. I knew something was wrong the days leading up to her death. I know that she was in trouble and I kept calling out for someone to take my fears seriously. It would not have prevented Marie from dying but it would, in many ways, have validated that i saw her too, a butterfly struggling to hatch. I saw her too and I knew she needed me. And when she died, I just remember how it felt to be watched by everyone. how they pitied my foresight and small voice.

The 2nd being that night in Sean's car, during our confrontation. There was initial awkwardness and unease when we both made the decision to talk about the night before and everything (said and unsaid) that happened. I began to tell him that I cared for him but that I didn't feel comfortable with everything that happened the night before because he was in a relationship. I told him that unless things were clearer between us we couldn't do what we did the night before. I told him that i saw him, that night, that where i held and caressed and loved, he revealed himself to me. I saw him.  But instead of confronting my fears, validating my voice and maybe even my body he diminished me. He devalued my worth and then looked at me with pity:

"why would i ever be with someone like you" and every ugly thought that i've had about myself, every reason for not wanting to continue and be a person were validated selfishly by him. And it broke me. It continues to break and chip away at me 3 years later. How is that fucking possible. Today is his birthday at date that I hope i'll forgot sooner than later and I am so frustrated by the stupid residual pain left from the mess we both made.

I worry constantly that I am so jaded by the Sean situation, I won't know how of if I am able to open up to someone in that way again. I mean, don't get me wrong the last 3 years have been extraordinary to say the least.  I live in a great place, I can pay my bills, I have friends and a life that I am so grateful and proud of. I am not that girl who Sean looked down on in this car, I am not that girl who people starred at after Marie died. I am different, essentially the same heart but the parts are rearranged. But these affirmations about my life now doesn't mean I don't worry. I am still a girl who lost her best friend. A girl who worries that I cannot hold on to people. A girl who wonders if I will ever be good enough for anyone to stay.

And despite moving on from several bad moments in my life, despite coming out of the other side a little stronger though banged up... I worry and I wonder how much of what I still carry with me might prevent from me from fulling moving forward.

Updates

All of my posts should start with "work is killing me" cause jebsus effing Christmas, this place is killing me. And it's only Wednesday. How is it only Wednesday.

Tomorrow my boss has decided to have a company wide meeting to discuss our progress and goals moving forward. We have these meetings every 4 months where we gather in our big conference room for an hour while he goes over, in excruciating detail, all the things we are doing well and obviously on the things that could still needs improvement.

I hate these meetings. I've only been to 3 since I started at this job but they are the most meaningless things in the whole entire world and I spend most of my time drawing unhappy faces in my notebook. Tomorrow though, my boss decided to mix it up: not only are we having a meeting but it is going to be in the afternoon instead of the morning and afterwards he expects us all to attend a summer party on the patio to revel in his successful career venture.

The meeting is supposed to run from 5:30pm to 7:00pm (excluding the after party) and I am livid that I even have to attend this thing. My role in the company is marginal at best, I am the only one who takes public transportation and my town is so far away that even if I do catch the last bus home, I will still have to pay for a cab or take the train to get to my actual neighborhood. I have already planned an escape route so I don't have to go to this party but there is no way to avoid the meeting. I am dreading this meeting. I am dreading the awkwardness that comes about when there are gatherings of any sort. I want to sit as close to the exit as possible. I don't want to engage in small talk. I'd rather just disappear.

The only good thing about this job is they pay me well or okay enough to live normally. I plan on buying a car in two weeks because i've saved up enough money to purchase one without too much financial worries. It's so weird that 8 years ago, I didn't even think i'd ever get my drivers license because i keep failing the test. I finally got my license a few days before moving to New York but by then I owning/driving a car was not in my near future. And now here I am, only a few more shitty bus and train rides away from owning a car and driving, finally driving.

The idea of how much independence this will give me is overwhelming. I am so used to being the passenger, it will be an adjustment to be the driver. To have a little more control over...well everything. Metaphor for life, I guess.

Le sigh. 5 more hours to go.

Nope.

Don't worry, this isn't from Satan himself (aka Sean, who if you can believe,  I have not actively talked to in almost 2 years!)

This is from my ex-friend Justin. Or Patricia's boyfriend. Now Fiance.

I work with Patricia who hates my freaking guts. When I first started, she actively went out of her way to throw me under a bus to make me look bad. Because I am doing so well at my job she can't find ways to make me look bad so instead she is actively nasty or dismissive of me. All because I told her her guy friend at work was being sort of inappropriate towards me. Le sigh.

Needless to say Patricia and I are not friends and by proxy I am also not friends with Justin who ignored me when I stopped by the store to say hi a few months ago. Literally, I went up to him, said hi and he walked in the opposite direction without uttering anything to me.  I thought maybe he didn't hear me, so I followed him and said hi again. He stopped, shelved a book and walked by me again without uttering a word.

So, I am very confused why I got this stupid email last weekend about their engagement. I only found out they were engaged via Kat who received an email from Justin saying he wanted to let her know first that Patricia gave him an ultimatum (we are getting married or I am not supporting you any more) and that he feels like being with her is a death sentence but he doesn't really have a choice.

And even though i've known about the engagement since it first happened neither Justin nor Patricia have mentioned it to me, despite the fact that I see Patricia every day at work and she has told plenty of people from the office about her engagement while proudly showing them the ring she bought.

I can't imagine gifting Justin or Patricia anything because they decided to marry for the sake of marrying. And who the hell has an engagement party? Especially after announcing to both family and friends via Facebook that you are engaged.

I've been sitting on this email for 5 days, not really knowing what or if to say anything. I weighed the pros and cons. I could go, show my support, make amends and attend a wedding in the fall of 2017 with my friends.

Or, throw subtle shade, burn a bridge that wasn't worth saving and move on.

I guess by my response you can tell which petty road I took.

Fingers Crossed

I literally just fell asleep at my cubicle. No lie. For a brief minute or two I actually dozed off,  only to be startled awake by a soft snore. How is it only Wednesday? Why is it not at least 5:30, so I can start packing my stuff and head home? Why the hell am I still here at this cubicle doing my job on daily auto pilot? 

Creepy Guy and Annoying girl are both  on vacation this week and without the constant pitter patter of Creepy Guy hovering near my desk or the annoying and asinine ramblings of Annoying Girl(who i don't think i've mentioned before) talking insistently,  the office is pretty quiet this week. Like excruciatingly quiet. Like i-have-run-out-of-ways-to-even-fake-busy quiet.

Crush boy has been pretty aloof and uninteresting this week and I am sort of bummed out by the lack of consistency in our budding friendship. He vacillates between being an engaging and inquisitive guy to an aloof, distant and static robot. This week he is a robot and because I am uber sensitive, I am trying not to be hurt but the sudden malfunction. I can't help wondering (of course) what or if or why things have suddenly soured between us.

He seems to have given up all of a sudden and because I am not as invested to the relationship outside of curiosity and musings, I haven't put much of an effort to figure out why.
I too am at fault for some of this static work week. I have other things on my mind and this hasn't made me much of an inviting person lately. Last weekend Heather and I had a impromptu hangout where we ran errands, drank coffee and complained about stuff. I'm not sure why I enjoy doing this with Heather as much as I do. But honesty anytime she asks me to run errands with her, my answer is immediately yes.

Last weekend was no different. She picked me up around noon so we could run around buying things we needed (groceries, office supplies, coffee) and some things we didn't (moleskin notebooks, decor related items, candy). During our hangout she mentioned that one of my supervisors at the University recently got a promotion and was no longer at my old department. With her absence there is now a full time position open  and she thinks I should apply because my boss loved me and I could get my job back at a place that i adored.

It took me a moment to digest the news. I've been looking for a opportunity to rejoin the University since I left. I only quit because I was poor, poorer than I've ever been in my life and at the time my boss did not have a full time gig to offer me. So on many fronts being able to return, this time with a salary and benefits, would be amazing, plus i could go back to school for free. I am only a little apprehensive about the gig because my department was always on the brink of huge budget cuts and at the time I quit, I was nervous they were going to let some people go to save money.

Regardless, I sent in my resume and cover letter a week ago. I haven't heard anything back yet and am not sure if I should reach out to my former boss just to let him know I am interested. I feel like every decision I make for myself now has this immediate effect. I quit the bookstore, I moved to a new town, I got a new job and my life is so freaking different than i ever could imagine. Mentally and physically. I'm in a good place. I still struggle emotionally and I guess socially and I must admit this is pretty frustrating.

I want to return to the University for a litany of good reasons, but mainly for one selfish one. I miss being around people. I miss being park of a community. I miss being surrounded by potential relationships. And that fact that every one I have started to form at this job has fallen threw the cracks or is Patricia's case the depths of hell, returning to the University could greatly impact my nonexistent social life. Because it is non existent outside of my mom and Kat. And that shit is sort of depressing

Le sigh.

The Spinster Diaries

My mom said something insensitive the other day and while at first I was upset at her, I realize I have suddenly crossed that weird threshold where if I am not in a relationship, engaged or already married with five children my achievements outside of that and that alone mean nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing to anyone. And it's sort of frustrating.

Le Fucking Sigh.

Per usual Kat and I hung out on Friday where she expressed concerns about my crush/new guy situation. This crush thing sort of crept up out of nowhere and honestly I am going in it with little to no real exceptions. I like him but I am not sure if it is on a romantic or platonic level. We primarily talk via gchat and occasionally face to face when he isn't actively avoiding me. I find him interesting but doesn't that come with meeting anyone with similar interests? We come from completely different backgrounds and yet bound over music, books and outlook on life. We spend the bulk of our day at work sending each other music via spotify and analyzing lyrics. He's nice, I mean as much as anyone could be. At the moment he is also the only person I tolerate at work, so that too might have something to do with my curiosity and attraction.

I will not assume what or if the boy has any interest in me. I think he finds me somewhat interesting and a confidant to talk to at work. But for every good interaction where we pass the hours 'talking', there are other days when he is distant and preoccupied. He has literally gone days without saying anything to me followed by a days where he seems overwhelmed with everything he wants to tell or ask me.  That's why it came as a complete shock when he offered to drive me home the other week because I got the sense that I had annoyed him somehow due to him not being overly chatty or engaged in my attempts to converse.

Then out of the blue one day that week he asks if I need a ride home and i'm all like "holy shit yes!". Of course on the ride home, I liked him more. He was a little nervous but funny, he seemed more comfortable in his car and I was glad that we were able to talk freely and with the same enthusiasm as our work conversations have been. Despite my initial 'omg, a boy i could potentially like is driving me home' excitement, when it is all over and done with we are  simply just getting to know each other, so I want things to evolve naturally. Whatever that mean. He's going back to school in the fall and I might have an opportunity to return to the University on a full time basis. So whatever is or is not happening between us will evolve as it's supposed to.

Of course, this doesn't stop my mom or Kat from meddling in my interest of this boy and for completely different reasons. On the Kat front, she was annoyed that crush boy drove me home this past Friday because it interfered with her weekly routine of picking me up, grabbing salads and going back to my house.  Then during dinner all she could do was express concern that this guy situation could mean I have less time for her. She legitimately expressed this concern. I feel like she is incapable of seeing me be happy and what's worse is that I don't think she is aware of this. She'd ask questions like "but do you think he's going to want to hang out every week" "what does that mean about the free-time you have for me".

 I am grateful for Kat's friendship but as I mature, I don't want her to be so reliant on me for companionship. I wouldn't mind going weeks without seeing or talking to Kat because we are too busy doing our own things and killing it! Instead I feel weighed down by her friendship and expectations of me. I feel trapped in a one sided friendship where my goal is to make her happy and secure while I am less happy and secure. She is a succubus, and my life source is fading.

I've decided to not tell her anything else or happenings between the boy and I (so there will probably be a lot of it here if anything develops) and also keep her out of the loop on any big changes I am planning. I need my own life, I am ready for my own life, I simply cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness outside of my own. 

On the mom front, upon learning of this crush boy she immediately went from "i don't think this is a good idea" to "you know what, you really do just need to find a man, any man, so I think you need to be more assertive". I cannot tell you how gutted I was. As you may or may not know, I have not had many romantic relationships and the one that I 'did' have was not really a relationship but more of a complete and utter disaster. But why should it matter if i'm single or with someone? Why would i need to "find a man, any man" to fulfill my life. I'm not saying I want to be single forever because honestly i'd like to spend my life with someone nice and kind and funny but it's not something I dwell on.

Honestly I've been killing it the last two years as a  single chick getting her life together. I have my own place, I have more money in my bank account then ever, I have a full time job, I'm finding my creative voice again, I am on this serene journey towards physical, mental and emotional stability, I look super cute 5 out of 7 days a week. I am so proud of the women I am becoming and because of this there is something frustrating that those achievements mean so little because I am not with someone. Anytime I go out with friends or talk to family members it is the first and only questions that pops up. "So how are you?" "I'm doing really great!" "Oh nice, who's the new fellow in your life" "Oh, no i'm not dating anyone, things are just good cause---" "Oh..."

I hate that a single man in his 20s,30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is a bachelor who has decided to live the single life. That person is admired because of his tenacity, grit and single-hood. He can travel around the world, buy property, actively date women, pursue a career and still be seen as someone who is successful. A single woman in her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s is considered a spinster who is unlucky in love. That person is pitied because of her inability to secure a mate. There must be something wrong with this person who is often portrayed or characterized as a lonely, cantankerous figure envious of her friends in committed relationship. This person's success will never amount to much because of her mate-less-ness.

This is an infuriating concept! Infuriating and yet, here I am being damn near condemned by Kat for having an interest in a guy that could take away her spinster friend who is always available to her when she needs to vent or cry or because her bf doesn't want to go to an art show that she's been dying to attend. Here I am, being told by my mom that she just wants me to 'have a husband'. Why can't i just be boss ass Beckett living her life however I want without this pressure of seeing or nor seeing someone. Why is this boy, who didn't say much to me outside of "hello' last week, more interesting of a tale than say me: saving 10K, going to Canada, rock climbing and writing my first novel. Why is our/my success in life only measured by who I am or am not shacking up with.

It doesn't make any sense. Any sense at all. And it's sort of disheartening cause I feel like whatever I accomplish doesn't measure up to much if I don't have a dashing gentlemen in the periphery.

Boy O Boy

Crush boy offered to  give me a ride home.

Looking like I bake pie for a living apparently worked.

All the Feels

crush boy makes me sweat. uncomfortably. like when he is around, I am drenched in sweat. Is that supposed to happen. where is all this water coming from.

I don't even know what it is. He's a normal boy. And I'm a normal girl. Except on days, like today, where I get all fancied up in hopes that he'll notice and talk to me. I am wearing a stupid polka dot dress and a cardigan with knee high boots. I looked like i am on my way to make cherry pie. The sweetness is unbecoming. I am actually a carnivorous beast but he is sweet and shy and slightly skittish so I thought i'd dress innocent and wholesome (instead of carnivorous and beastly) so, you know, he'd be less nervous around me.

I mean who can be nervous around a girl who looks sweet? I look like I bake cupcakes for a living. But alas, the boy is still being super distant and weird even though I catch  him looking at me all the time. It's confusing. I am confused and also very sweaty

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted.

In a blink of an eye my vacation has come and gone.

I can't freaking believe it. I feel like I was just talking about going on vacation and now here I am back in New York and  miserable as hell. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration I am not miserable (crush boy is making things easier but more on that later) but I definitely could have used another week (or two) of chill time instead of being thrust back in to the real world.

For the most part my vacation was pretty spectacular. After my cousins finance called off their wedding, I didn't see the point of cancelling my vacation. I know, I know that sounds terrible but I'm just being open and honest. This is a very distant and much older cousin who I haven't seen in a billion years and I was only going as my moms plus one. While  I sympathized with my cousin, I could not justify throwing away a whole week of being home just because the wedding was called off. Especially since my mom would be on vacation at the same time.

I knew that I had vacation time saved up and for the first time in a year I was able to book one without having to worry about my finances too much. Because my mom and I are pretty much best friends for life, we decided to split my time home in half: four days at my moms house  and 3 days in Charleston with our extended family. As a treat, for ourselves, we decided to rent a hotel one of the days in Charleston so we could freely site see and shop and eat food sans the constraint of being around family

We only decided the last part because days before I flew home, I found out my  drama-filled aunt and her daughter, Michelle, were coming down south (as well) to spend a few days with our grandma who lives in Charleston. My trip and their trip would only overlap for two days but based on the fact that my relationship with my aunt continues to test my patience there  was cause for concern once I heard we'd be on vacation at the same time, in the same place.

This is the aunt who i first lived with when i moved to New York. This is the same aunt who 'kicked me out' because I was taking up too much space. This is the same aunt we went to Washington D.C with, who still has not paid me or my mom back for the train ticket and hotel room we purchased so her and Michelle could come with us. This is the same aunt who recently asked both my mother and I for $1000 because she failed to pay her electricity bill. I love my aunt, I really do, but as you can tell she's not without fault and drama.

Lately, her new source of drama is health related. She had a freak accident a little over two years ago (she tripped onto some train tracks after the train departed) and has had a few minor surgeries to repair the fractions she obviously received. While I am not diminishing the severity of her accident, I do think she is milking the attention she's gotten from it. Though she complained to her insurance company that the accident left her emotionally and physically unable to work for 6 months, I saw her two weeks after the accident at Target because there was a sale on clothes she could not pass up. Grant it, she had a cane and a limp but if she was well enough to walk all the way from her apartment to Target to buy things then why tell your insurance company other wise.

Most recently, my cousin Michelle has adopted this need to fain sick for attention or approval. She's 10 years old and suffice it to say there a multitude of emotions and concerns that have come up because of this.  I have a much longer post planned for this part. I wrote it a month ago after Michelle had an 'incident' at school but I've been hesitant to post it because it's uber personal and private. For the sake of this post, I will only say that for the past few months Karen has had Michelle diagnosed with a litany of health issues:  asthma, juvenile arthritis, sleep apnea, various joint ailments and recently...wait for it...muscular dsystrophy.

For obvious reasons I claim BS on all of this (especially muscular dystrophy which she could not even pronounce yet alone have or pretend to have) because she's a 10 year old kid with no authentic signs of sickness. I only say this because from what I've seen,  her 'ailments' only come around when my aunt is there. I spent Christmas Eve  and Day with them and for a few hours I babysit Michelle while my aunt was out buying groceries. During the hour or that she was gone Michelle was bouncing off the walls from pre Christmas excitement. We danced in the living room, baked cookies, ran around outside because it was freaking 70 degrees and played various games. She was perfectly normal.

As soon as my aunt came home, Michelle became a different kid. Everything hurt, she couldn't breathe, she developed weird jerky spasms, she was meek and dependent and I was confused as hell by the turn around.

Of course even having these suspicion regarding Michelle's health is...a line I am not ready to cross. For one, I think her reasons for faking ill is closely related to the warped relationship she has with my aunt. My aunt is not a good mother. She doesn't nurture, she doesn't know how to take care or sustain things. She is self involved to the point of emotional neglect and I think Michelle is at an age now where it is having an affect on her. Secondly, my aunt seems to thrive off of having a 'sick' kid which only causes Michelle to act out more. When she isn't talking about her own aches and pain caused by the accident, she is constantly showing me all the medicine Michelle is on and babying her to the point of annoyance for anyone who has to watch.

It's a mess.

Anyway, I've let my mom in on this recent drama with my aunt but I don't think either of us was prepared for the act in full force. but I'll get to that after the positive aspects of my vacation!

On the whole, my trip home was relaxing, fun and comforting. I am glad my mom and I have the relationship we do (more best friend than mom) and I spent 7 days enjoying her company. My mom is this gregarious, goofy and charming women who is too good natured for this world. I say that outside of being her daughter. She makes me laugh harder than anyone else and while i was home, I wanted to be around her all the time just to listen to her tell stories.

 It was a good 7 days of bonding with her and my nephew Elliot. I can't describe how much I love my nephew. He is full of kisses and hugs and sweet talking. He's five now and he likes to talk to me on the phone, so before I even got to my mom's house he was counting down the days before my arrival. When I finally showed up, he greeted me with love and warmth that I will never understand. He doesn't even know me but he loves me and he likes to show this love with hugs and gifting me juice boxes when i was thirsty.

For 4 days my mom and I stayed in town, reconnecting, running errands, shopping and decorating. On the fifth day we headed to Charleston to visit my extended  family and meet up with Karen and Michelle. We knew that staying with Karen and Michelle at my grandma's house was going to be an ordeal, so we headed to Charleston a day earlier than expected,  rented a hotel in downtown Charleston and enjoyed a day of sight seeing and eating. It was glorious.

When Karen and Michelle arrived the next day we were prepared for the worst and like clockwork the drama started as soon as they arrived. My uncle picked them up at the airport while the three of us (my mom, grandma and I) waited at the house for them. As soon as they arrive my aunt starts recounting the harrowing story of Michelle's asthma related attack on the ride from the airport. Except it's not really asthma she ends up describing. Apparently Michelle now has a new disorder where....wait for it....cold air or warm air or extremely hot air makes her body convulse in this cartoonish jerky movements, followed by hyperventilation which then causes her to pass out. I was a little confused when my aunt was re-telling the story: they get into my uncles air conditioned car, Michelle starts shaking because it's cold, so he turns off the AC which causes her to shake even more, so my aunts has to pull out her emergency inhaler...

I gave my mom a knowing look as my aunt finished up her story waiting for us to react. My mom turned and apologized to my uncle for the inconvenience, my grandma shook her head and went back in the house to watch her game shows and I rolled my eyes and asked if anyone was hungry because I was famished! How else were we supposed to respond.

After they settled in we decided to head back downtown to Charleston because Karen and Michelle hadn't been in almost 9 years and as far as anyone else knew my mom and I hadn't been to Charleston either. My grandma opted out of going because she's older and can't get around as fast as she used to, so it was just the four of us.

We were downtown for about two hours before Michelle decided to have one of her meltdowns. Up until this point, she was on her cellphone or her tablet ignoring the beauty of Charleston and her heritage. She was only ever engaged when we brought up eating or when there was something kid related for her to do. I was annoyed that she was more interested in watching youtube on her phone than learning about where we are from but she's ten so I gave her a pass. I wanted to head to the historic part of Charleston to take pictures and we all agreed it would be a nice walk because the day was perfect. As soon as I stop to take a photo of a gorgeous house Michelle says "i want to go home...my feet hurt". I put my camera down and tell her "you're 10 years old, we've been out here for less than 2 hours there is no way your feet are hurting".

I can tell in her face that she is planning something. She looks hurt that I called her out for complaining which I only did because I knew she wanted to go back to our grandma's house to watch television.

Before I can even turn around to to resume taking a picture,  Michelle starts shaking and jerking in the most hilarious way. It was like a jig more than a shake and the movements are so forced I can't believe anyone who's seen it has taken it seriously. My aunt announces with what I can only describe as weird excitement "oh no! Michelle is having an attack" and starts pulling out various instruments of health: an inhaler (because you know shaking uncontrollably must mean you can't breath), some pills and a fucking airway device that she was hiding in what I thought was a lunch bag. SHE DID NOT HAVE LUNCH in the bag.

My mom, who is devouring an ice-cream, causally says "what the crap is this--" but my aunt cuts her off and tends to Michelle by fanning her face and holding her up. "It must be too hot outside" she says and of course Michelle agrees through hiccups that she is taking a turn for the worst because it's too hot and her feet are tired. I ask her is she needs to me get her water, and she meekly says yes. I slowly walk to a cafe and buy a bottle of water, when I return all three of them are sitting down. Michelle starts guzzling the water but instead of getting better her "shakes" get worse because now 'the water is too cold!".

At this point my mom, gets up and starts walking back to the car, which mind you is parked about a mile away. I catch up with her and we exchange a "wtf is going on face' but she is too annoyed and embarrassed to express anything more than that. I look behind us and Karen is practically dragging Michelle by the shoulders as she continues jerking and shaking in what I can only describe as the whip nae nae + the jig. Her arms are flailing, she is contouring her body like she is possessed while she bounces up and down on her feet.

 By the time they catch up to us, we are waiting in front of a cupcake store. As soon as Michelle sees the store front and the cupcakes and the sweets she immediately stops shaking, convulsing and jigging. Like immediately. She straightens up, peers into the window and excitedly asks my aunt Karen if she can get a cupcake. She must have caught me or my mothers eye roll because she quickly followed it with "...because my attack seems to be over and a cupcake would make me feel a little stronger".

I almost screamed at everyone when she said this. I almost lost my cool at my aunt and a 10 year old in front of a cupcake store in Charleston. How in the world is my aunt allowing this to happen? What the hell is going on that Michelle is acting out? How has no one (including myself) called them both out on how preposterous the whole thing is! My mom must have seen my inner dialogue and felt a storm coming because she tells my aunt we'll meet them back at the car and then drags me down the street. We didn't mention anything until we were well out of earshot. But when we finally we are...we are too shocked and concerned to say anything.  There is something terribly wrong and I again feel in a position where I don't know necessarily what to do.

We returned to my moms house the next day where I spent my last day home sleeping for about 12 hours. Going home is always such a weird experience. I keep expecting memories of my time home to come flying back to me when i'm there and instead I spend the bilk of time trying to find out who I was back then only to be disappointed that the reminders are smacking me in the face. Coming back to my home here is also equally exhausting. I still feel like I don't belong and am in search of my place. I think this is my place but not quite yet. After the fiasco with Karen and Michelle, I am having an even harder time adjusting back to the real world and this life I am creating for myself.

Le sigh. I could use another vacation. A staycaction. A grace period to adjust and evaluate and acclimate.

i think i like a boy at work.

And it's so fucking stupid because based on my last experience with a work-related crush, I should stay clear of any said feelings.

But snerk gerks this boy is super interesting and there are legit moments of intrigue during our various getting to know each other conversations.

New York State of Mind

Yesterday was the most superb magical day of my life.

Just saying.

Wrong Side of the Bed

I may have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today and because I am a superstitious person, i believe the signs are telling me I should have stayed home.

I woke up late this morning because I had a bad dream which made me restless the rest of the night  ( I was on a subway platform waiting for my train and before the train arrived a fight breaks out between two strangers. One stabs the other violently and at first everyone is so stunned no one realizes that an attack has occurred until the knife wielding stranger starts directing his rage at the rest of us. The subway car pulls up just in time and we all board the train before he can slash us. I then wake up). Because of said restless I only got about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I tend to wake up an hour before my alarm goes off, but today I woke up only because of the alarm. I didn't have enough time to make breakfast or coffee and my bus was 5 minutes late because he is the worst effing bus driver in the whole world. I am his first stop of the day, the first stop!, and he is always late. True to form, he was 5 minutes late this morning and drove extra slow so I almost missed the transfer bus that takes me to work. 

When I get to work this morning, the first thing i see is a snarky passive aggressive email from one of the managers at work, indirectly critiquing my job function. A few weeks ago this manager asked me to help him out with a project unrelated to my department. Simply put, he would send me emails full of tasks that he wanted people in his department to complete. My job was to simply to assign them a 'ticket" of their task via a ticketing system that my department heavily relies on.

The idea of creating and assigning 'tickets' to a different department made no sense on many levels, but he asked me to help out so I obliged.

A week ago, he pulled me over to his desk and admitted that it was silly to have me assign tickets for his department when he could easily do it himself (duh).  I told him it was a redundant step when he first brought it up to me and he agreed. So he said I wouldn't have to assign tickets for the marketing team anymore...which I was relieved about. I washed my hands of the project and returned to just overseeing my departments ticket.

Needless to say when I came in this morning, after an already frustrating start to my morning,  I was surprised and immediately pissed that he sent out an office wide email complaining that his marketing tickets weren't being created and it was unacceptable for things like this to be overlooked.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

The people I work with have a tendency of throwing each other under buses. On a weekly, if not daily basis. After the Patricia debacle, I made a note of being solely responsible for my work to avoid being thrown under buses. I have about 5 specific tasks that I and I alone am in charge and  I make sure that no one else dips their toes in those tasks. The last few months have been better because of this and if I can be honest my departments success is in direct correlation to this. I am certain.

So to walk into this bullshit this morning, over a task that was given to me and then taken away, was beyond infuriating. I responded to the email of course because I am not about playing games, reminding him that he told me not to create his tickets anymore and that i was confused by the tone of his email. Instead of extending a 'oops my bad you're right" he said 'I changed my mind, so forget everything I told you last week and go back to making tickets for my department".

If there was a table nearby, I would have overturned it. If there was a door, I would have kicked it in. I had to step out of the office just so I wouldn't hulk smash everyone to the ground. And even then when I got to the hallway to catch my breath I wanted to smash things.

Today is not my day. It's just not. I seriously, honestly would like to go home now and curl under the covers forever.

Spring Cleaning.

I want to spend the weekend cleaning my apartment. I know,  I know, how effing lame but it think the actual purging of things (I don't use or wear)  is long overdue.  In jest, I am sort of ready to make space for new things. There's probably a metaphor about life in there somewhere... but seriously I have too much stuff and most of it needs to be thrown away.

I am a person who clings: to things, people, ideas...you name it. I've always been a somewhat clingy person. In the fifth grade my mom bought me a light blue wind jacket that I absolutely adored. I think she bought it for my birthday and I was immediately drawn to the blueness of it. I loved this jacket so much that i wore it everyday and refused to take it off in class.  When the weather warmed up, I still wore that jacket and I remember asked several times to take it off by my teachers who worried.

Eventually I outgrew the jacket, or my mom threw it away...but the fact that I still remember it must say something about my hoarder-ish ways. I cling to things that I find un-spoken value in, and because of this it is super hard for me to let things stuff go. Once again, there is probably some subtext there, but in all honesty it is time for me to let some things go.

Sickly Disposition

Turns out Chicken and Waffles is not in the cards for me this weekend.

I love Spring but Spring does not reciprocate the same feelings and today I am suffering from another bogus allergy/sinus infection that throws any ideas of being a productive and social person out of the window. It sucks, I was really looking forward to Brooklyn. and chicken. and waffles.

Trust me, I have no problem staying home on this rainy Saturday. I got my new laptop yesterday and am sort of in love with it. It's smaller, faster and sleeker; all things I didn't know I wanted in a laptop until this one arrived. I also purchased an amazon fire stick, so i could start streaming live television thanks to Playstation Vue, which is a far better alternative to cable. I am not one for product placements but this shit has changed my life and I am more than okay with staying home and watching live tv for a change.

I just don't like the being sick part. I can't breathe. Everything is clogged up. I feel pitiful and weak and I worry that i wont feel okay enough to tough out the upcoming work week. It's tough enough trying to put on a brave face when I am healthy but when I am sick I am less patient with my co-workers and boss and equally resentful for being a person who works in an office.

Despite the exceptional pay, I am honestly not happy with my job situation. I don't complain about this outwardly because I am super grateful to have a job that allows me to pay rent and purchase a new laptop and amazon firestick all in one day without being poor afterwards. I, more than anyone, am grateful to work and get paid for said work because I lived the alternative, which was worse. Living paycheck to paycheck was not fun. It taught me how to be super resourceful but I couldn't have survived much longer living that way.

So yea, I like having a job. I don't necessarily know what the hell i am doing 40/hours a week, I don't particularly like my co-workers and I think my boss is crazy...but I tough it out week  after week because my life outside of work is pretty good these days.

But this doesn't mean, I don't often worry that life is passing me by while I sit at my cubicle not pursuing things that make me happy. I've been reading too many great books lately and listening to great music and following some talented artists on the inter-webs, and I can't help but wonder when i stopped seeing myself as a talented person in pursuit of something.

I got a super kind Facebook messenger from an old co-worker who wanted to know what I was up to these days. She wanted to know if I was still pursuing my dreams and writing and working towards being the kick ass girl I said I was going to be when I first moved to New York. The message was incredibly kind and something I needed. I often feel like I am waiting around for something big and grand to drop in my lap instead of taking risks. I feel rather stuck in a place of contentment rather than my once fierce pursuit of things. I am regularly asked to contribute writing pieces to various online publications and I've turned them down because I am not sure who I am as a creative person anymore.

It's not so much that i've lost my mojo, I just don't what my mojo looks like anymore and I worried that the days and weeks and months that I spend sitting safely in a cubicle is masking whatever potential i have to do something more with my life. Idk, maybe it's my stupid allergies making my head all loopy today. But It's the only thing on my mind and I lay here in bed, mulling about life and if I've accidentally settled into something that doesn't necessarily fulfill me.

I wish there was a handbook on this being an adult stuff. I could used some advice.

Work

Ugh, I am struggling to stave off the weekday blues today. Struggling and the only thing saving me is the Hamilton soundtrack. It's fucking phenomenal, making me only more irritated that I am not as talented or brave to pursue anything creative lately. Le sigh.

The past few days I have been overwhelmed with a handful of little things and now all I want to do is crawl under the covers and wait until life stops feeling so 'stifling'.

The laptop I've had for six years suddenly stopped working last week and though I don't use my laptop nearly as much as I used to, the thought of not having a computer in my home freaks me out. The last time that happened, I was stuck going to the library to use the computer and I ended up sitting between a older guy watching porn and a teenager watching porn.

To avoid that fate, I decided to buy a new one this weekend though I should be saving up for the car I desperately need. I'm at a weird point in my life where realistically I can afford to buy a new computer. My cheap ways are paying off and my rainy day fund is more like a torrential rainy day fund.

For some reason this only increases the guilt I feel when buying things I don't really need. Well, things that I have to replace. I am freely okay with buying new books or clothes and bed-sheets. But I don't necessarily like replacing my sneakers because my old ones are worn out. Or buying a new computer because the other one decided promptly that I didn't need to use the inter-webs.  If my laptop could last another six years, I'd be perfectly happy. But life doesn't work like that, i guess, so I bought a new online. Begrudgingly.

 Of course after the purchase, I went home and started clearing some programs off my old computer in preparation to give it to my mom only for the damn thing to magically start working! I think it was just low on space (thanks to my massive Sims collection) and once I cleared up said space the computer started working okay. But having already spent the money and anticipating a newer faster computer, I've decided to keep the new one in favor of the old.


On top of that my friend Heather is having some issues at work that I feel slightly responsible for.
Heather and I tend to hang out on the weekends to shop and complain about things.This weekend was not that different. Because I am still without a car, I gladly take any and all opportunities to hit up the supermarket or mall with her. And, I generally like hanging out with her. After our almost disastrous falling out, I am super glad we reconnected and put our disagreement aside. I am not an easy person to love and I am learning to be less hard on the people who work damn hard to be apart of my life.

 She recently got a promotion at the University (great) but her new boss is super crazy (not great). She's only been there a week and already her boss has snapped at her several times over personal rather than professional things. I feel super guilty about her current job situation because I was one (of several people) who told her she'd be crazy to not take the position, even when she expressed concerns that her boss's disability (an extreme form of autism/Asperger) could make her work life very hard.

After working in an office for little over a year. I can unequivocally say I miss working at a school. I don't necessarily miss my job, which I was overqualified and underpaid for, but my ideal situation at the moment is to work on a college campus, take free writing courses and pursue a creative outlet. I don't know if I want to write a book but I do know I want to have a stamp on something and I know i will feel great disappointment in my life if I don't at least try.

 That's why when Heather came to me and said she was offered a promotion within the University we both worked at, I couldn't understand the hesitation. I'd trade my job in a heartbeat if I could get my foot back into the University. I'd love to be able to get another degree for free. I'd do college right this time while also getting paid to be there.  And with this thought on my mind, I told her she' d be out of her mind to pass the promotion up.

But of course it hasn't turned out how anyone could have imagined. It turns out her boss may be severely disabled and cannot manage people professionally. Outside of her random outbursts she is highly paranoid and micromanages to a fault. The other day her boss listened in on her phone call and then pulled her into her office and told her she was not allowed to make phone calls to other employees on the campus...even to ask them for help. Heather told me this story over coffee and looked on the verge of tears and I must admit, the guilt flooded my stomach as I suggested this for her under the pretense that it would be a step in the right direction.

Adding to the mix of stressful things, I am going home in a few weeks to visit my mom and extended family. I am super excited about this vacation. I rarely go to Charleston when I am home and because my grandma is having a few health issues, it's one of those trips that I may never be able to make again with my whole extended family in attendance.My mom told me last week that my aunt will also be in town that week visiting and now I am all concerned that this vacation will closely mirror our failed excursion to D.C. I still have flashbacks of how awful that trip was.

My aunt has been sort of MIA for awhile thanks to her asking my mom and I for money, because she stopped paying her electric bill. It's a long story. When we told her it was impossible to come up with the amount of money she was requesting in such a sort time, she stopped talking to us for weeks. She's only just re-emerged into out lives and now I will be spending what was a few relaxing days with my flighty aunt and baby cousin who recently was hospitalized for anxiety (long story. a post to follow).   

Needless to say, I am sort of over this week and I desperately need the weekend to get here so I can spend a few days under my covers, listening to Hamilton and reading books. Kat wants to head to Brooklyn so we can hit up a chicken and waffle place that we've both been dying to try but I'm not sure I am up for a Brooklyn trip even if chicken and waffles are involved. Okay, I might go for chicken and waffles, who the hell am I kidding, but there needs to be more days in the week in order for me to catch my breath and breathe.

Two more days ya'll. Two more 

Happy Birthday

On Monday I turned 30. 30 freaking years old. Trust me, I cannot believe it either.

I was reading some of my earlier journal entries the other day and I marvel at the fact that I was once a 19 year old college freshman /  22 year old recent graduate / 25 year old bookseller / 29 year old receptionist.  I am struck by every entry and word and sentiment that has made up the last 30 years of my life. And also, how much has changed. Because a lot has changed.

 I ushered in the big 3-0 this weekend with Kat. We spent Saturday in the city doing terribly hipster things and then saw an off Broadway show  starring my not so secret celebrity  crush: Joshua Jackson (who to the surprise of fan girls every where got completely naked on stage). While, the day was extraordinary, I must admit that my friendship with Kat is still murky. The days leading up to Saturday where spent arguing semantics. We continue to be on different playing fields when it comes to our friendship; which is starting to mirror a relationship that I didn't know I was in. Regardless we were able to make it through Saturday unscathed and are attending a baby shower this weekend for a mutual friend.

I continued my birthday celebrations well into the weekday. I took Monday and Tuesday off from work so I could shop, sleep and eat. Naturally my boss was not a fan of me taking days off from work but I refuse to work on my birthday. Refuse. I treated myself to flowers and books and hamburgers (plural for many reasons) on Monday. I cleaned and rested and marveled at the simplicity of my life these days. On Tuesday, my actual birthday,  I was flooded with love from family and friends. I tentatively thought about venturing to the city, hitting up a museum or two and grabbing food solo...but I am too aware of how fun those activities are when shared, that I couldn't bring myself to venturing alone.

Instead I enjoyed my birthday at home. I opened presents from my mom and Kathleen and various cards from friends. I baked cupcakes, grabbed coffee at the local coffee shop and walked to my very favorite pond and wrote a goodbye letter to my 20's. It was a quiet and solitary birthday but I am grateful for another year. How weird it is to have gotten this far in life. How weird it is to be a 30 year old woman. Ugh, that sounds weird, especially as I sit here blogging, writing supernatural fanfiction and avoiding actual work.

The Runaway Groom

I am going home for a week in April thanks in part to a wedding that has been called off.

It's a pretty long story (that I'll try and keep short). The gist of it a few months ago my cousin informed us all via a Facebook post  that she recently met the man of her dreams (who she's only been dating 6 months) and they've decided to get married! Because you know, that's a logical thing for a middle aged woman with a teenage daughter to do.

This cousin is significantly older then me. She's actual my mom's cousin, which I guess would make her my 2nd cousin or great cousin...genealogy has never been my strong suit. We are definitely related though and as far as relatives go she is probably part of our very small inner circle of family members.

She used to babysit my brother and I often but because of the significant age gap, we never really got to know each other. But she's family so by proxy she's always been super nice and friendly. Of course a few yeas has passed since she last babysat us and now she is a single, mother with a  pre-teen daughter. They recently moved to Charleston, SC to be closer to family and honestly I don't see or talk to her much unless I am visiting family or if she comes up to New York to visit.

Needless to say, I was a little confused when I got a Facebook wedding invitation from her announcing her recent engagement and that the wedding was a couple of months away. According to my mom, she met some dude in the Army a few months ago and decided to get married as soon as possible (maybe to lock it down). My mom only knows this because my cousin has been overwhelming everyone in our immediate family about wedding plans. Not only that, but she set the wedding for an April of this year which would only leave a few months for people coming out of state to book the trip.

Despite the lack of romance in my life, I am not so hardened by the idea getting married one day. It's weird to think it and write and even say out loud, but I could see myself being someone's wife. I can see myself with a husband and couple of kids in a small house in a small town with a routine that makes me happy. There was a time when I was against the idea of marriage, because I was young and it's cool at that age to think the institution is ridiculous. And maybe it still is.

But what I understand now is that marriage only seemed ridiculous a few years ago because I assumed marriage was solely about love and I thought I would never fall in love. I still worry that I may not fall in love or I am unlovable to some grand extend. But I've come to realize that you can love someone and not marry them. You can be married and not love the person you are with. My hope is that if I do marry it's because my partner and I are able to build a marriage on love and sustainability, and that one does not outweigh the other but rather compliments it. That too me would be perfection.

Because this is my outlook on marriage, I must admit I was hella skeptical when my cousin proclaimed her undying love for her new fiance. Because surely a love purely on infatuation  cannot survive. I was also pretty annoyed that she was planning an extravagant wedding so quickly and bombarding us all with her wedding plans. My mom and I gave her the benefit of the doubt because love makes people crazy and this was her first and probably last shot at planning a wedding. The only super weird aspect of the whole thing was that no one has ever met her 'fiance'. I live too far away to ever have had the chance to meet him but my mom says until a few months ago he never existed and outside of some Facebook pictures, for all we knew he was a stranger catfishing my cousin.

A few days after sending out wedding invitations, I bought my plane ticket home for the April wedding. I assumed  I could use my vacation time to head home for a few days and then travel to Charleston with my brother and mom to attend the 'wedding of the decade". But literally after I got my plane ticket confirmation, my cousin's 'finance' announced on facebook that he was not marrying my cousin in April and that the wedding was called off indefinitely.

 I wish I was joking.

What followed was a mini war of words between my cousin and her now maybe 'ex-finance': her assuring everyone that the wedding was still going to take place while he adamantly said it wasn't. It was pretty embarrassing and as my grandma stated "my cousin sure is the talk of the town now!'. She sent everyone on Facebook an email about how it was just a simple misunderstanding (he was annoyed that she was spending all his money on the wedding while he was stationed in Hawaii) and that the wedding would take place sometime but just not in the near future.

That of course did not help me, as I  already notified my boss that I was heading home for vacation. And of course, I already purchased my plane ticket home. I am only partially upset with having to take my vacation so early and also for forking over $500. But I don't need too many excuses to go home and visit my family. My mom and I have decided to make a vacation out of the wasted week. I'll get to come home and spend some quality time with my nephew and mom. I also want to visit my alma mater and she wants to hit up some beaches in Charleston if the April weather permits.

As always I am looking forward to a break from my life. I tend to fear that I am not making the right decisions and heading home always gives me some clarity. Lately I am anxious that I have placed myself in a situation that will no doubt blow up in my face. After the big blow up with Kat, our relationship is super strained. Snow-gate 2016 seems to be a turning point in our already strained friendship and honestly I am not sure if we can work ourselves our of it.

 I went a few days without talking to her because I wanted to know if I could. In all honesty since I quit Le Sad Store, I have lost touch with a lot of people. The people I was close too all got new jobs and have embarked on a new routine that makes it hard to keep in touch. Because of this Kat, at times, feels like my only friend and it can be almost as lonely as actually being alone. I want to start meeting people and making plans for myself and figuring shit out. It is a huge risk that I am taking but I have to do it. I can't imagine the next five years consisting of Friday nights at my house watching Netflix with Kat. I would be so depressed if that were my life. I am sort of depressed now that it is my life.

So, I decided to give myself a break from Kat and  I am not going to lie it felt good reclaiming my identity. It also felt incredibly lonely but good to know that independent of our friendship, I am still an interesting, kick-ass, independent person. 

Of course Kat did not see it this way and she sent me a really passive aggressive text about how she feels like we are becoming strangers and acquaintances because she hadn't heard from me is 3 days. ????

 I am not sure I have ever had a friendship as co-dependent as this one. My mom tends to be the only person I feel the need to talk to every day. I have gone weeks, even months without talking to friends only to reach out randomly and be able to swing back into the friendship without a hitch. With Kat this is not so. She often says that our friendship is uneven and I am not sure I understand how she sees it that way. To me our friendship tends to only work if it is on her terms. She needs it to be this very co-dependent friendship where we text every day, and talk about boys and shrug off responsibilities  and individuality in lieu of us reading similar books and wearing similar clothes and having similar life paths. And if isn't exactly like this she becomes a nut case, which I only just notified.

 It is like being friends with a middle school-er and to be honest this juvenile relationship scares the shit out of and also bores me. Because I have stopped responding to how she wants me to all shit has let loose. She went from sending me panicky, needy texts to accusatory and jaded ones. We were supposed to head to the city this weekend to see a show and grab dinner for my birthday but now all of a sudden she is unsure about going because we are 'like strangers'.

I am tired. I am perplexed. Even more-so I am annoyed.

I am not sure what will happen after this hangout (if there is one) but regardless this begins a new chapter in my friendship with Kat and maybe I will be able to comprehend what the hell is going on once I am outside of the situation for a bit.

It's been such a long time since I actually gone to South Carolina for vacation that I am excited. Over the moon excited even if the reason for going is devastating for my cousin. For some reason I look forward to the sweltering heat and the southern accents and the beach. I look forward to being someone different, somewhere different that is also so distinctly home to me.

I told you I was Mean

My parents got divorced when I was three and the event never had a extreme impact on me growing up because the few memories I have of my parents marriage involve my father beating my mother regularly because among his many faults...being a terrible husband and an angry drunk is among them.

This isn't to say I don't love my dad because I do. My father is the most charismatic and charming individual you'd ever meet...until he drinks, and then he is rendered something not human...but primal and ruthless. The first memory I have is of my father striking my mother after an intense argument and seeing her body crumble from the weight of his fist against her face. She managed a few minutes later, dazed and scared, to drag my brother and I (2 years old and 4 respectively) into the bathroom, where we spent the next few minutes re-enacting the violent exchange as a game...because that's what kids do.

This perhaps is the only traumatic experience of my children that I can recall vividly. My dads anger, my moms strength hidden under a busted lip and disheveled clothes, my brother clutching her legs followed by us leaving in the middle of the night to go to my grandmothers house. We've never looked back and though my mom allowed us to have a relationship with my father, I was always afraid that the man I knew as my father had another man living inside of him who could become so unhinged that violence followed.

He never abused my brother and I in any way. He was an attentive and doting father who we saw every weekend until we moved to South Carolina. But I think we always held some resentment towards him because we knew he had an anger in him that was destructive and there was always this worry that we would inherit it.

And in some ways I think that we have...not as close to the rage that my father had but in our own distinctive way. Because I was so aware of my fathers anger I learned to bottle mine up. I protected any semblance of anger like it was a secret I could not let out. I'd keep it caged because I saw how destructive it could be and for years, I convinced myself that anger was not something I felt. But of course that's no necessarily true.

My anger is often attached to jealousy, envy and annoyance I can get easily frustrated if I feel misunderstood (literally), if someone takes my words or actions wrongly. I am short tempered when someone assigns a label on me. And I loathe repeating myself, because I am so attentive to everyone words, I can get easily upset if I think I am not being heard.

I did not experience complete and utter anger until Sean came around. That boy made me angry. He still makes me angry. He was dismissive and aloof  and constantly made me compete for his affections. He was also a liar and I was often confused by the differences in our alternating narrative. He told me that I was never good enough (but I was), he showed me that I was not good enough (but I am)  and I acted out often in anger as a result of the constant discord.

With Sean out of the picture, my anger has subsided a lot this past year. I still get pretty upset over things, like any other human being, but no to the extent where I am filled with a rage that makes me want to seek and destroy.

Until this past Friday.

Kat and I got into another argument this weekend and I wonder if she is taking notes of the discord between us as much as I am. Kat and bonded over our shared attraction to unattainable boys. At the time of our friendship she was developing feelings for the married preacher at work and of course I was head over heels for Sean. Outside of this journal, Kat was my only confidant about the Sean drama and I was her confidant regarding the preacher. We actually had a lot of fun surrounding our shared infidelities and we bonded over the big secrets in our life.

Unfortunately, now that the boy drama has come to a halt Kat and I seem to have lost our ability to connect. Not on all levels of course, but on some. Now that the curtain has been lifted, we suddenly have to learn how to be friends without this drama bonding us. And honestly I am not adapting to this well because Kat without boy drama tends to be a more depressed, negative version of herself.

She got a new job about two years ago and every day complains about this new job because she doesn't like who she works with because they are old Additionally, she doesn't have fun at her job like she did at the bookstore and wishes she worked with people who remind her how cool and attractive she is.About a year an a half ago we started hanging out out after work on Fridays at my house to watch movies and eat snacks. While the majority of our hangouts are okay, we often spend the 2 hours or so talking about how miserable she is.

She has a tendency of resting her whole self worth on the people around her and if you aren't constantly telling her how great she is she becomes despondent. She'll cry and throw a mini fit and then become emotionally needy until you console her. An example of this is Halloween day. We were supposed to go to the Halloween parade in the city and at the last minute she texted me and said she felt ugly and fat in her costume and was crying too hysterically to get dressed and go because she didn't feel she looked hot.

At the time, I was sitting on my couch in my outfit, waiting for her and her boyfriend to pick me up and I became frustrated that she was pulling this shit a half hour before she was scheduled to get me. But she wanted me to console her, to tell her she was gorgeous, to give her an alternative plan to her costume failure, to hold her hand so she would feel better about her weight and the costume. But I couldn't because I was in no mood to do this. And I told her so. But not so nicely.

Then of course the shenanigans around Christmas happened and I was damn near close to throwing in the towel because of her inability to give me space and because I felt like she was robbing me of my identity.

The last few weeks I've been trying to be more patient with Kat, because when she is in a good healthy place she can be a truly great friend. But her natural state these last few months have been super depressed, down in the dumps and needy that I don't know how to handle her. I am all about supporting my friends when they need me but Kat's malaise is an infectious disease...and when she is in pain, she wants everyone around her to be in the same dark place.

But I don't want to be in a dark sad place. I am trying to be happy or as close to happy as I can manage. Things are not great in my life but they are good. I love my home, I am making money, I have dreams and ideas. I have this tiny bit of hope and insight that things are going to be okay. I am not sure why I know this but I just know. And the only time I feel unsure and unhappy is when Kat is around to bring me down.

Lately, I  much rather spend time away with her when she is like this because she is becoming a weight. We are on two different trajectories in life, one where I am trying to figure out who I am and what I want and make those wants tangible...while Kat is indecisive and negative and depressed about everything. She'll play devils advocate regarding everything to the point where her opinions are ignorant  and often very wrong. She'll complain about people posting too much on social media and then spend the weekend updating excerpts from her weekend. She'll complain that public shamming is awful and then record two people in line having a vapid conversation. During the blizzard she was upset that people were at the supermarket shopping because 'we go shopping every week...not just during a blizzard".

And while these are all very minuet things to be annoyed by.. I can't help but be peeved by her constant and negative observations and outlook on life. It crawls under my skin and makes me defensive. It's like hanging around a constant Debbie downer or pointer outer of bad things.It's like being friends with someone whose glass is always half empty while yours is half full. 

Because I am beginning to feel fed up, I've been pretty short and argumentative with her in hopes that she'll see that she is bringing me down with her. I am a calm, rationale person until I am pushed into a corner and then I am filled with so much frustration it turns into anger, and that anger scares me.

This Friday we were scheduled to hang out again despite the fact that I wanted to cancel because she'd been texting me the whole week about how depressed and sick she's been but  I decided to follow through with plans unless she said otherwise. Friday morning, I was shocked to wake up to a bunch of snow and debated calling out because my commute is pretty brutal and it was a Friday. But I decided against it because while a lot of snow had fallen it was light, fluffy snow and expected to stop around noon. Plus. I wanted to save my snow day for more imminent weather.

As expected the commute was shitty. I had to take two buses, walk a few blocks to my job and got to work all gross and wet and cold. Surprisingly everyone showed up on time, with only a few people coming in to work in the afternoon after the snow stopped. As soon as I get to my desk, Kat texts me and asks how the roads were in my town. I tell her that the roads were terrible and that nothing was paved but that I went to work anyway because the snow was supposed to stop around noon and I saw no reason to call out.

She then  admits, quite proudly, that she called out of work because she didn't feel like driving in the snow and she wanted to take it easy because she hadn't been feeling well anyway. I was a little annoyed by her excuse and didn't understand why she was gloating and i told her I thought it was a little silly not to go in, especially because her reasoning behind getting a new car was so she could drive safely in the snow.

She gets mad defensive and starts listing additional reasons why she couldn't go in to work.
I tell her I don't care but because it's Friday I guess we'll reschedule due to her not feeling well and skipping work. And this my friends is where shit hit the fan. She tells me that she plans on still hanging out at my house, despite her reasoning for not wanting to go in to work. When I call her out on the discrepancy, she tells me she doesn't have to explain herself to me and that we are hanging out regardless.She'll meet me at my house after work.

Excuse me? Asaywhat?  Are you fucking crazy?

I was instantly filled with rage, a rage I have not felt for a very very very long time. A rage for once that may or may not have surpassed any rage I have ever felt towards Sean.  It happened so quickly, I had to look around my desk to make sure I hadn't growled in fury and disrupted the calm of my office. I kept re-reading the text to make sure I saw her words correctly. I then had to clutch my phone to prevent me from propelling it out  the window or worse. Even now, I am angry at the tone,  at the assumption that she could impose herself on my house and my time because she wanted to. That she used "i don't have to explain myself you" lingo like an annoying teenager when it is my house we always hang out at. I was pissed that she'd given me another example of how things are never completely mine..but hers as well, even if I did not give her permission.

For the life of me I could not imagine leaving work on Friday, taking the bus home only to have Kat waiting for me door (in her pj's and  her own food) to let her in because it is what SHE wanted to do ESPECIALLY after calling out of work for the day. She may not have to explain herself to me when it comes to the small stuff but when it comes to invading my space she does. Especially after she spent the better half of our conversation telling me she was too sick to go to work or too anxious to drive in the snow. Would she not be too sick after work...would she not still be anxious to drive in the snow.

 I was too through with her after this text and because I was angry, I did not mince words when I responded. My anger may not manifest physically but my words are sharp and I have had a tendency of lashing out verbally when, once again, I am pushed in a corner.And because everything has been so pent up lately with her, I was sort of indignant and furious with her. And I let her know this, not so nicely, to the point where she back-peddled and said I had misread her words and she didn't mean what she wrote and that i took it out of context. Followed by...'So are we still hanging out".

It took me a couple of hours to calm down. The intensity of the anger freaked me out. For a brief moment, I was full aware that I am my fathers daughter. That anger is a much a part of my life as the good parts. And it freaks me out. That I couldn't control it despite how badly I wanted to.

Of course Kat and I have not talked since Friday (and no, we did not hang out either) but  I am trying to figure out how to move forward. A part of me wants to have a long talk with her and tell her everything that is bothering me. But i don't want to hurt her feelings, I don't want to push her too far that she breaks and I also don't want to make it seem like the discord is all her fault. Because it's not, a lot of it has to do with me. I am growing up and wanting different things and I want to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me. And while I am not saying I don't want to be her friend anymore,  I am not sure I like how draining our friendship is. And I just need something to change.