Fairy Tales

My eyes hurt from my new glasses.

I had to wait until yesterday to receive my glasses in the mail with stronger prescriptions.

So the whole day I have been stumbling across the campus because my eyes are getting adjusted to my non Harry potter glasses, but until then I have a massive migrane and am heading to the bed after Spanish homework and my last attempt at finishing the first volume of Pride and Prejudice.

I intended to write about the concept of fairy tales(one of my favorites being Princess and the Pea ) after Katherine's recent news that she is leaving her husband( for good), and moving to the one of the family housing on campus. But my head hurts to much.

It's sort of shocking, b/c she has been text messaging me all week, about what a crappy week she has had, due to "crazy husband" who apparently screens her calls and other psycho things. CREEPY.

I guess that's what really scares me about marriage, and my negative attitudes towards it, because none of the men or women in my family has remained in a truly stable relationship.

I have only known the concept of a broken home, that when things just can't work out anymore, you run. Why try to fix whats broken.

But I don't believe that, but it's also what draws my pessimistic attitude towards the subject.

It's really why I dislike marriage so much because I assume that eventually things will turn sour, and I will do what I have always known to do...Run away, and repeat the cycle like all the women in my family have. I couldn't imagine see a relationship, which would later result in a marriage, fall apart in front of my eyes. I mean not the kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I mean if I was married and I just saw the growing distance between us grow further.

I liked to believe there was a happily ever after, that the prince got his princess and all was right with the world.

But that's just not the case. When life steps in and gives you no choice but to choose between the fallacy of "Happily Ever After" or the reality that relationships take work, and compromise, and a consensus between the two that you together will make this work.

We are learning in psych the Intimacy vs. Isolation stage that we all will go through in our 20's, 30's, and 40's. And though Katherine is older than me, and has been through more stuff than I could have even read about, she relates to every other person who is stuck in that stage. Of you wanting a relationship, of wanting it to work, that "love can conquer all".

Maybe we all have a fear of being alone. That are inabilities to sustain a relationship is in relation to our character. So we try to make relationships that aren't healthy work, because then at least we won't feel responsible for it's downfall. It won't feel like we have abandoned ship, or worse be abandoneded.

To me a broken marriage is like the abandoned building. The death of a dream, boarded up windows and broken glass. But sometimes those things just can't be repaired ,and the best thing to do is destroy it before you get to attached to it just standing there.

Of course she called me and asked me if I thought this was a good decision. And I don't know. I mean hell yeah I would leave, but I think the real thing with Intimacy vs. Isolation is that we have to define what sort of intimacy we want out of relationships.

Hell I don't even know what I want out of a relationship, whether it be a sort of best friend, a supporter, a person who keeps the sparks flowing, who is spontaneous, or maybe I want someone who inspires me, who I inspire. Maybe if we pinpoint what we want out of intimacy then the isolation won't feel so lonely and we won't have to settle.

So I told her she has to make the choice that makes her happy. Maybe Happily Ever After implies, not that it will be some fairy tale ending, but that the choice you make was yours alone, and the actions following that choice, though it will be bumpy sometimes, is one you can live comfortably with for the rest of your life.Even if it doesn't involve the Happily Ever After you dreamed of.

And stupid ol' me, agreed to help her move. Whenever that is. I hope crazy husband isn't over there when that happens. Some how this whole relationship is making me feel like the little girl who watched my mom and dad's disintergrating marriage, when I was three. It's that whole feeling of helplessness again, and pretending not to be scared when I really was.

Happily Ever After huh?

Maybe I just would want someone who inspires that a Happily Ever After can exist, in it's unconventional sense.

I want a Kilroy (greatest character in a book. EVER. I'll have to explain him later)

I want someone to remind me there are possibilities that make life worth living, beyond love.

Cause the last thing I want to do is have no other choice but to give up on the dream of Happily Ever After, I want it to be defined for me, and him, and are imaginary family.

I just don't think I could pick up and leave anymore, which is probably why I regret saying I would help her move. I've seen and done to many of those in one lifetime.

Now to sleep. My eyes and head hurt. Oh...and if you did not catch Grey's Anatomy this Sunday they are showing it again...tonight. It was the best episode ever, people blowing up, Dr. McDreamy, George...Oh George. I hate how much i love this show.