Finding my Voice...

I did not get a heart shaped box yesterday. I did not got proposed to, or flowers waiting for me as I exited my room. I did get a flower from some club, and a few bump in's with a certain crush...But more than anything this Valentine I got a frog. OH YEAH.

Recently due to my favorite show in the whole entire world, I have been loving the concepts of frogs. The whole idea of transitions, of a new phase, of emerging into something new, or really of just evolving into the person you have become through the years.

Of course this frog gift was given to me by mother, in the box she made my promise I wouldn't open. And to my surprise, after her telling me she couldn't find any frog necklaces, stuck in the bottom of the box was the thing I have been wanting for months.

And while the rest of the girls went all lovey dovey over their boyfriends for giving them flowers, and candy. I got something that only those who know me, would get me. Best gift ever. A necklace of a leaping frog. I guess leaping into the future, away from the past.

I have been thinking a lot (understatement) about my boundaries and how I am establishing them. I guess what I learned from being so frustrated, okay lets admit it, mad about the douches in my pre-med club, was because in some way I felt like I was being attacked.

I kind of don't like being on the defense, as long as I can remember since moving I have been made to prove myself and who I am to the world. It's the most frustrating thing to feel like you have to prove yourself to people when I haven't even proved it to yourself first.

I'm pretty good at putting my cards on the table. Once you get to know me I don't try to make excuses for...I guess my faults. As in not being much of a talker, and my awesome ability of hiding in the background. But I do feel like I am a good person, and a good friend. I give my all to those that I am close with, because I feel comfortable with them in knowing that in knowing that I am not much of a talker, they help me realize that I need to speak up more. But they don't do it in a way that makes me feel bad.

As I mentioned, or maybe have not mentioned, I am learning that my boundaries don't consist on how they function for me, but how they function to the people around me. It's weird, because I like being young and people commenting on my youth( I fooled a lady at IHop who thought I was younger than 19), but then there are some times when I feel like I don't need to be talked to like a child. Which is what they did. Which is what I encounter a lot. I guess the line in the sand has not be defined yet because I have not drawn it.

I had massive a crush on my Speech teacher. He was absolutely gorgeous, he had a flock of teen groupies, who came to his class everyday. He was the Tuxedo mask to my Serena(Sailor Moon). The Jordan Catalano to my Angela Chase(My So Called Life). The Art Boy to well Me. He was one of those artsy farsty type. He taught The Scarlet Letter from the last chapter to the first( I think it was that book), he was a Drama teacher putting on controversial plays, he was like a rebel in our school, because he dared to push past what was safe. And took a risk with me.

I was in his speech class, and would literally not speak unless I had to. He begged to me to speak, bribed me, just wanted me to say something. And I still wouldn't talk. And my admiration and hots for him turned to pretending not to like him. I have a history of doing that. But later on, once I got use to the idea of giving speeches, I became really good at them. So much that he asked me to be apart of his speech team. After asking Marie(who was already apart of the team) to recruit me. I did one competitions, and found out that I didn't like competing at things that I really didn't like doing.

So after my one speech competition and him telling me I had potential, I crushingly had to tell him that I didn't want to be a part of it. Which ended up in the most awkward high school experience ever. I really did like him, and surprisingly he saw the potential in me, and yet I didn't see it in myself. I let the fear of being seen take over me, and I walked up those stairs feeling the weight of the situation, and told him after school that I couldn't be apart of the club anymore(my great running away skills). He took it pretty well, seeing that one of his groupies had already told him, and he was just waiting for me. He told that I had a great voice, if I just let those around me see it. And that I had great potential, and that if I ever changed my mind, the door was always open. Sweet huh

And in turn I said "no, that's okay, but thanks". Not so sweet. Till this day I regret those words. And for the next three years in high school, it was the awkward "hello Beckett" and then me mumbling incoherently while rushing to my class. Before I graduated I wanted to write him a thank you letter. He was not just the older cute English teacher I had a crush on, he was the teacher who had taught me how to speak. But I have to find it within myself to use that.

I look back on the girl I was in high school, and middle school and I see so much growth from me. Which is probably why I get the most offended or feel attacked when my strides at evolving into a more confidant girl is questioned. In a way they are right(though they totally could have taken another approach), and I thought back to the meeting with the speech teacher. I have potential, I have all the pieces, and there are doors open, people who are willing to embrace if I let them. If instead of saying "no, that's okay, but thanks", I said "sure, thanks for taking the risk with me".

Cause I am a risk. There are layers you have to get past first, until you find the core. I haven't even found the core yet, I haven't even reached the place where I can begin to say I know "who" I am, but I am happy with the steps I am taking. That I can look back, and honestly say I am not that girl anymore. Sure I'm kind of that girl, and bad days are still bad days, but I'm feeling a little stronger. I'm feeling like all is possible, like I am heading in the right direction.

Wearing my frog necklace, I feel like I have a whole new sense of myself, and my emerging role in life. I'm a girl with potential who is at cusp of something big. I am the leaping frog. Into a future that is looking brighter with each step. As long as I make that leap that is, as long as I am willing to see the potential, as others do, and welcoming the future that lies before me.

Now back to reading Pride and Prejudice. I feel asleep attempting to read it last night, and am about to opt for Spark Notes for the quiz I have on Friday. I have to finish Volume 1 before Friday, and it's 6 o'clock now. Not looking to good. It's not that the book is boring, just that I rather watch the movie. Wasn't Colin Firth in it. Or maybe that was another British movie. Who knows.

I am just not into reading another love story. Especially now with my uber crush on British Boy( I really don't remember his name, so I have to use nickname for now). I have been to two of his meetings, and am being dragged to this thing Saturday(at 5:30 in the morning) and it's just something about him. Like he doesn't make me nervous, he's so like refined and...BRITISH. And I haven't made a complete fool of myself in front of him, which is always a good thing. Though i do hope he grows to like me Like Mr. Darcy grows to like Elizabeth. I have said more than two words to him, which is always shocking and good. So I don't know, he's so cute. Anyway.

One more thing. My Valentine's day was really great. I wasn't, surprisingly, bitter about not having someone to share it with. I had my frog necklace, candy, and the right attitude. For me, I focused more on how beautiful life is, and how happy I am to be alive, and being apart of it all...And then I saw the best SIGHT EVER.

There is this weird girl in my dorm. She is so awkward, and not in the "oh she's quirky". She giggles down the street, and has conversations with herself, and I thinked skipped once for no reason. I don't know if she is just eccentric or if there should be a sign on her that says "stay far far away" Generally I am interested in the weird girls. And I am nice and smile to her when I see her. But yesterday as I was heading to class, i noticed that she was dressed was like a Hooker.

I mean seriously.

I guess she was trying to snag a date or something. But if anyone has seen the "Turn the Page" song by Metallica, and the hooker in that video, she was dressed just like that. In public.For real. She was wearing these hoop earrings. With these white boats, and short jean acid washed skirt, and a jean jacket. It was trainwreck. So as I am walking behind her Art boy and some other kid comes walking down the sidewalk. As soon as she sees the other kid she was all "hey how you doing" in her" and does this awkward, pushes chest out to him thing. He looked so confused and looked at me, like i knew what was going on. She had on her "I want to get lucky voice" as she said it , i tried to contain my laughter. Luckily as she said that to Other boy, Art boy passed by. I couldn't stop laughing, once I returned to my room. What girls will do to get a date on VDay.

Looking like a hooker isn't one of them for me.