Girl Interrupted

(I've always wanted to use this title and pic)

This week is just going to be hell.

I mean I know it.

I have(yes I must go over the list again) 3 exams, 2 major papers,decisions to make before tomorrow concerning 90 bucks I have to fork over, a meeting with a professor, apartment hunting.

Naturally I am a worrywart. I am a composed worrywart, but my stress level is probably at a peak right about now.

It doesn't help when you spent the better half of last week, helping someone out for a bio and math test neglecting studying for the 3 exams mentioned in the last paragraph. And then spent Friday being beat up by kids, for 8 hours. And seeing "when a stranger calls" with 10,000 screaming teenagers who kicked the back of me seat during the whole thing.

I feel a wind up toy, at first it's full of life , but eventually that dies out, and it escapes back into it's box, where it remains.

I talked about taking a break, and I really need to. I mean I just need to focus this week on getting through these test, and resting. My mind is filled with all these puzzles that I can't seem to place together or figure out what I am suppose to do. I'm worried about housing, I'm worried about my free time because Kay always wants to do something, I'm worried about studying or my lack of for that matter, I worried about money. YADDA YADDA YADDA.

Basically what I am trying to get at unsuccessfully of course is that posts this week will probably be dismal. I just need to relax, slow down a little, and watch a marathon of monk. My last test for the week is on Thursday, so if you don't hear from me until then. You know why.

Though this is my journal, where I usually try to sort through all the stuff in my head, I can't even find the words to describe my...Exhaustion at his moment.It isn't writers block, because well I barely get them. I feel like Lindsay Lohan who fainted(or maybe it was some other teen horrible actress) from exhaustion and needed a break. Well minus the exhaustion being key word for "Lindsay totally OD-ed on crack or something." so minus the crack, I really am just exhausted.

I wished to be like Susanna Kaysen(really Winona Ryder minus the stealing), and be able to find the words to kind of describe whats my head is going through. But Susanna Kaysen was in a psych ward, so she had all day to sort out the feelings she had without the looming things before her.

I am pre Susanna's trek to the hospital(if you haven't seen the movie you probably have no idea what I am talking about. I'm sorry. It's a good movie though. My fave. Well behind the Goonies that is.), I am borderline with facing this new life I feel unprepared for(Opera's and Coffee shops). And my old solitude one, I feel like returning back to(room, tv, sleep).

And it's not easy when my mom remarks on how busy I am now the "busy lady"."Call when you have the time".

I don't think the problem of borderline is that you have to choose which side to take the leap off. You simply have to find a good medium. A place where everything balances itself out, and you feel centered. Because right now I am kind of just teetering on the edge. Sneaking glances at how life on the other side will be.

It's stifled plateau. A place of blah. Where all my thoughts just seem to go in circles and I am left exhausted.

And when I try to ask the dreaded "what should I do" from people, I get all these advises that I don't like. That aren't really beneficial. And I realize it's because I have to make the decisions. All of them. There is no running to anyone and hoping they will magically solve it for me. As a horrible decisions maker it is all consuming and stressful. And I have to figure out what it is I really want, despite what my mom says, despite what Kay, despite what anyone says.

And the truth is I have no clue.

I'm ambivalent.

"Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... Between two opposing courses of action."

So I just need to sort it out. Whatever "it" is. I'm just feeling a little off centered. A little ambivalent at the moment. A little torn, because I'm not a really good decision maker, and they seem to be presenting themselves full force this week.

Where's whoopie goldberg as a psych nurse when you need her.

Don't go cheating on me while I'm gone.

Finding some younger, wittier, blonde blogger while I am on my short retreat. =)

Until I "see" you again. Thursday.

-Beckett-