I'm not a fighter....

But I have reached my limit with the Pre-med club and Amanda because I was about to punch her in the face today.

I have always been a non confrontational person. Even with the roommate blow up, I left the room before anything could happen. I was a practicing Buddhist in high school, so I'm all peace, and love, and flower power.

Which is surprising seeing that as a toddler on the playground, I fought with the other kids. I even, as my mom remembers, pushed a girl because she was on my swing. I am reformed from my diaper days, and pretty much see no need to fight with people.

But verbal disagreements are another story.

My best friend and I in the 6th grade, were in the orchestra. And the older members of the orchestra were pretty shitty to us. We were younger, kind of green, and a little annoying. There was one boy named Diego. He was the biggest asshole ever. He made fun of all of our instruments, he talked about us in front of faces, and criticized our playing. We despised him. But we never said anything to him until a recital. My friend has recently seen Romie(?) and Michelle's high school reunion. And she was hell bent on telling him how she felt like they had in the movie, but at the last moment she chickened out. So she asked me if I would do it...And I walked up to him, with her close behind, and spoke my feelings. In front of like 7 people, who clapped, after my verbal spat with him. It was the most amazing feeling ever, and a little bizarre seeing that basically my friend was whispering what I should say. But he never messed with us again, and it was probably the first time I had done something so...Brave.

This pre-med club, is comlplete BULL. I forked over 90 dollars to Amanda after she had rudely addressed me, and then today as I met Kay for lunch, so she could complain about crazy husband, we ran into her at the Pre-professional building. As soon as she sees me she is all "you have to sign a paper" bull, and goes on to tell me that I have to pay some 15 dollar members fee. Because Kay only had about 20 minutes until her next class, we were basically heading out the door, I vowing to sign it later, when she was like

Mandy: Actually I need you to do this...NOW!

I almost smacked her.

So I turn back to her with a "don't think your shit don't stink" smile and ask "what's the big deal with me paying it now."

MAndy: Did you pay the membership fee
Me: I don't remember(actually I didn't pay it, because well I could buy a CD for 15 dollars, I could buy 15 songs for 15 dollars, I could buy a book, I had already given 90 dollars just to go on the damn trip and now you want me to give you more money.)
Mandy: What do you mean you don't know
Me; I remember going to a site, just don't remember if I paid or not I have to check my receipts.
Kay: She keeps all her receipts, I'm sure she'll be able to tell you if she paid or not.
Mandy: You should have signed up to be treasurer(she grabs my arm, which has been covered in small sores because of my potential scarlet fever)
Me: I'll pay it today( pulling my arm back)
Mandy: If you don't pay it , you could ruin the whole trip for all of us, and then none of us would be able to go because of you.
Me: F*CK YOU(okay I didn't say it, but I damn near wanted to)

When we walked out Kay says she wasn't sure why Amanda had gotten such a nasty tone with me. I went on to say " Insert your own babble of curse words". What the hell is wrong with that girl, and every other living soul in that club. If it wasn't for this trip I would have a) asked for my 90 dollars back b) then beat her with the 90 dollars.

This club is complete crap and I don't and won't spend the next 2 years being put through hell and being treated like I have just universally become some girls emotional punching bag. I mean if she wasn't like 5'9 and 300 pounds I think I could take her.

Seriously.

Cause apparently me not paying 15 dollars is going to bring the whole organization down. Give me a break.

I don't know why I have just attracted the most "negative" people in my life. Ever since we moved here I have dealt with just crazy insane people. From stalkerish friends, to boys I'd rather not see, to teachers who were just creepy in their own right.

I use to remember how normal my life was. I had good friends, many possible boys who would become crushes, and I didn't have all this unwanted drama(that's not even mine). I feel like I'm being punished, like whoever is running the strings, has something out for me. I have royally pissed him, her or it off, and now I must suffer.

Or kick someone's ass. I don't know.

And then in trying to figure out Kays true intentions as a friend I have just become exhausted with dealing with people am still feeling a little duped by her. With my recent sickness crisis, and hoping that I will get better before Spring Break and my Birthday, I have been sleeping like a cat. I nap wherever I am at. I have like the chills or something, and am in desperate need for someone to take care of me. I would just hire a really hot dude, who could make me chicken soup, and clean my room also, while I lay in bed, and hope this illness passes me by quickly. But instead, I do not have that hot man nurse to take care of me, so I have been pretty much been sleeping, making soup, and trying to finish all my homework before I pass out for 12 hours.

But in being a good friend, I go when I am needed . So I headed to listen to the daily problems of Katherine. Which is why I crawled out of bed, mid nap, put on a sweater and huddled my way down to the building to meet her, only to have to wait 15 minutes while she relayed her problems to the head of the pre-professional office. Of course when I mentioned that I was pretty sick, and not feeling well, and wondering why I had been dragged out of sleep, that was soon discarded and we went about discussing her business.

What the hell

A week from tomorrow I will be 20. And it is almost certain that I will spend it, like I've always spent it. And still all I have in these almost 20 years is nothing to show for. I have no good friends, a shitty school, an unbalanced social life, and possibly Scarlet Fever. And yet...I have not given up. For some reason the words of my father ring through my ears "I just want you to be happy" remain with me, and as I approach this new phase in life. A new age, a new everything...I'm realizing that I have to find what makes me happy, and then fight for it(instead of trying to fight tall girls with a significant weight advantage over me).

I have managed to fight for the external things I want. I fought for this room, I fight for good grades, I fought to get into UPitt, but when it comes to internal aspects of my life, I seem to not fight as hard. I seem to just let things be as they are. I settle. I don't make a splash, I let it pass me by.

But dammit if life is about living for what makes you happy, then why not fight for that. Why not fight for good friends, for a boyfriend who is semi-crazy, for a hot man nurse to serve me chicken soup(okay that's a stretch, but still).Because these shitty filled days, of shitty filled people, is like a sickness, one that doesn't seem to wane with time.

I have to write a dialogue between two characters from Romeo and Juliet or/and The Gospels for English. I decided to write a dialogue between god and Juliet. For some reason Romeo meant a lot to her. And I just always wondered what someone(Juliet) would say if there love was taken away. My dialogue though based on her love for Romeo seems more rooted in why her happiness was taken away, and her not excepting that it was fate.

I guess subconsciously I am trying to tell myself something. But dealing with all these people, I'm starting to get the message. You either choose life or life chooses you. You either choose your friends or people choose you. I don't want to put my life up in fates hand. I could end up like Juliet, or Paris Hilton. Or Mike Tyson.

I just want to be happy, and live a good . I can't wait till the day that happens. I'm kind of ready to start fighting for it.