It's not You, It's Me.

I've been dumped.

Okay I have not in the last two days acquired a boyfriend, and then just been dumped(that would just be tragic).

I have been dumped by a "friend" who really wasn't a friend, but still, it stings a little.

As you know, I have ranting about Kay since last Saturday, and my concerns about the nature of our friendship or lack of for that matter.

Last Monday she couldn't make it to the film club with me, we didn't go shopping like she said we would on Friday, and we didn't go the movies Yesterday as she promised.

This was all after she called me on Tuesday to have lunch with her, called on Thursday to rant about her problems, and then for no reason on Saturday text messaged me this, after inquiring what I was doing on a Saturday Night(studying): "I'm actually at the House(nickname for the place where everything is on Campus) seeing a movie with Kristen and Amy". The two girls we met last week while going to the Amnesty Conference.

HMMM.

Yesterday I had a new fond sense of confidence. After she text messaged me to tell me she was doing the exact thing we were suppose to do with two other people, I had decided that this wasn't the friend for me. And I was going to tell her no when I thought she would call and ask me to the movies.

I have a hard problem with the word 'No". Before I know it, I'm doing something I don't want to do. Which makes it easy for people to take advantage of me and use me. Which may have been the case.

But yesterday, feeling like "I'm going to be 20, I want to be happy, I don't want to keep getting asked out by bums(literal bums)" I was empowered to put my foot down, and tell her that I didn't want to go the movies with her. That I was done being let down by this friendship. But she never called, and my confidence was deflated in realizing that she just doesn't care.

Of course I would have liked to get the last word in. To have finally stuck up for myself and explain that this friendship felt one sided. I was actually prepared for it, to stop doing the "I'll ignore the person until they realize something is wrong" routine, but take the situation in my own hands. But I felt like she was preparing me for my replacement, bailing out at the last moment, her lack of interest, which led to upgrading to new girls who probably have their shit more together.

I once dropped a hand held mirror on the floor, do you think has to do with my seven years of bad luck? Maybe Karma is biting me in the ass. I don't think I've done anything deemed worthy of someone saying "karma is a bitch" to me. But lady luck clearly does not like me.

I refuse to say that I am just an uninteresting person and that is why I do not have any real friends. I refuse to say that maybe I am just not capable of making connections with people. I even refuse to say that I only attract sketchy guys who hang out at Subway. I refuse to give up this fight to make good friends and connections.

I deserve to have a friend who cares about my feelings, who invites me out to the movies when they are 5 minutes away from my dorm, to have a cute interesting boyfriend preferably with an accent(and that includes hot Boston accents), to shed the feeling of being thrown away. To shed the feeling of being the last person chosen on the team.

I feel okay(minus putting up he Gavin picture to make me smile). I feel like I am ready to get out of this rut. I fell like proving everyone wrong. I feel like I have a task at hand, I feel like sticking up a big F you to the hand of fate. And lady luck for that matter. I feel a little scared because I am waving goodbye to my safety zone and welcoming walking beyond the lines that surround my box.

My aunt Karen, has ordered a full fledge "What not to Wear" clothes revamp when I come over her house. I guess baggy pants, and loose fitting rock tees will not make it with me to this transformation. I was reading post secret yesterday and one post mentioned the character Gregor Samsa. About the guy who woke up one day and he was a bug. And I just realized I don't want to wake up everyday and be dissatisfied with my life. I sure as hell don't want to wake up as a Bug.

Maybe if I make this emotional metamorphosis, my skin will be a little tougher for life's brutal TKO's,my life would be a hell of a lot happier, and I would never get myself in a situation where I am replaced. Or chosen. Maybe I can do the choosing for now on.

Maybe.

First step: choosing whether to get a Winona Ryder Girl Interrupted inspired hair cut or a Selma Blair "I really do eat,i'm just naturally skinny" haircut.