I've Got an Itch.

Damn. Damn.Damn.

I've got an itch.

And all day the Fiona Apple line "I miss that stupid ache" has been playing on repeat in my head.

I thought at 19 I was too young to have gotten the seven year itch.

But sitting in Spanish today, working in groups. I felt it. The unnerving, unreachable, irritating itch.

You know the itch I am talking about. The feeling like there is something else out there. That you have grown to big for the fish bowl, and am hoping there is a pond next door.

When I was younger, after moving around so much, I would say to everyone that I would always stay in one place when I got older. Maybe it was because I had felt the effects of moving and never being able to say "yeah we were in kindergarten together, and are still best friends" that I soon developed this notion, that where I stacked my claim would be where I would stay. FOREVER.

I knew ever since we moved from Westchester that I would ultimately move back to Westchester county or to The Penn area. After leaving Philly and hearing from EVERYBODY that it would just be better to finish my undergraduate studies here, and then go to med school in Philly, NJ, Boston, etc, I figured that it would possibly be the best idea...

And I thought they were right. College is different, it's not like my school high school, and it is bearable for the most part. The semester has been way better than the two previous semesters (kind of). I am making friends, I actually get "Hi, how are you" down the street from people in my class. Life here, has become Bearable. Which is probably why the itch bothers me so much.

I don't want my wants and desires to be on the cusp of just Bearable. Bearable is like okay, blah. And the itch is tearing a whole through bearable.

Maybe it is because I am going home in less 2 weeks. Maybe it's because I am tired of going to class everyday and am ready for Spring Break. Or maybe it's because something deep down in me tells me that I don't settle for blah, that I've never been one to settle, and that I shouldn't start now.

I am slowly realizing that I am A...Wanderer. Yes, I was the child who wore the "kid leash" because I have naturally always wandered off. I wandered so much, I knew my mom's name, address, and phone number by heart when I was three, because it was almost a fact that I would look around and get lost.

I have always been one to test the waters, I am like Goldilocks, it can't be too hot, or too cold, it has to be just right. So I go in search for it.

I have denied my existence as a wanderer instead for a point in my life where things have just become bearable. But man this itch feeling today, I just can't seem to shake. I mean sure I am apart of things now, but I don't feel like I am apart of it all. I feel like I am watching, from the outside looking in. I feel like apart of the team, but not apart of the game.

Contemplation.

I feel like running away. Oh don't worry not in the literal sense of packing up my stuff and leaving. But I feel like running forward, of taking the leap into something greater. I feel like changing schools, moving to Philadelphia, and hoping that the shake will go away. Those few days I was in Philadelphia, I felt at home, which I haven't felt in a long time. I felt at peace, I felt like I belong, and that the city was inviting me to stay. As we drove away, I couldn't help but look back. And now all I can do is look forward.

Because that's what wanderers do....Until the find what is just right.

Cause itches don't do away. You have to scratch sooner or later.

I had to sign up for housing next semester. And of course there are NO SINGLE DORMS. I wasn't surprised though, seeing that five dorms are being torn down, and there would be no way to have single dorms. So I choose to live in a suite. I get my own room. That's good enough for me. Well for now it is, I am still going apartment hunting.

I'm a wanderer who likes her space.

Time to lounge around, and try to sort through the itch. Transferring would be so awesome. It won't leave my mind. I have to also prepare for tomorrows 5 am departure to la la land. I have no idea where I am going. And have to remind myself not to say anything stupid around the British Boy.

He should buy us all coffee. My 7am disposition is okay. But I haven't seen 5am in like 3 years.
If he wasn't so cute.

I hope I'll get to write tomorrow. Which will probably be Sunday at 2am.

The things I sign up to do.

"This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I can't stop falling out I miss that stupid ache"

*Postscript* British Boy has a name. A kind of stupid name. fill in the blank "Great ______"
I think i'll just call him British boy for now on. Don't parents think of good strong names. What the hell am i talking about my name is Beckett for christ sakes...hey it was going to be Raven. I think i got spared.