International Language of Confusion.

I love international students. Something about accents and living in a place outside of the US is very cool in my book.

At the library there are a lot of international students working there which makes it very interesting to hear were they are from. It does make it a little difficult to talk to them though. You don't want to sound like an idiot trying to decipher what they are saying but you don't want to say something they have no idea what you are talking about. So I stick to the simple things, jokes about working hard and needing to sleep. They think it's funny, I laugh, they laugh, then I go off and wonder what the hell I was just laughing about, but what the hell.

Today was a little difficult though as I was explaining the upcoming break to South African(not to be confused with last years SA guy) dude. Everyday we exchange a "hey what's up/how are you doing/fine, what about you/..." thing. He's nice, though I suspect a watcher of my dancing, but doesn't creep me out like Sir-smells-a lot.

But today I was very tired, almost falling asleep on a stool I was sitting on when South African guy comes smiling my way. He asks "how am I doing", I should have just said Hey

Me: Very tired, I need a break
SA:[looks at watch] You come in early to take break
Me: What?
SA: For your break that you can take in a couple of hours.
Me: No I mean I am ready for fall break, we have like three days off next week. I get to go home.
SA: You can get coffee during break to energize
Me: No I mean we literally have 3 days off of work, BIG BREAK
SA: We can take longer breaks
Me: NO, school break...you know what never mind, I just need to take a nap
SA:[laughs/ walks away]
ME: ???????

Must remember to keep it simple next time, or trade in the word break for vacation.

Today has been a day of confusions.

I thought I was suppose to start therapy today. So while I worked I made up every excuse why I shouldn't go. My head hurts, I'm getting sick, I have test tomorrow, maybe there is nothing wrong with me, what happens if they want to medicate me, what happens if they say I'm a big sicko and diagnosis me with something, what happens if it changes me so much I have no idea who I am anymore, what happens if nothing changes and this is who I am, who I will be, and who I must learn to get use to...

But in the end of all those excuses, I always ended up right back to the reason I needed to go.

I have the potential to be so much more than I am now. I'm completely happy with myself most days...I think I'm funny, for the most part I love my family and they are very supportive, I'm optimistic, and creative, and I think I have something to offer. But it is wanting to outwardly present those positive traits that I need to work on, and I need help doing it. No doubt about it.

So though I was hella nervous I was excited about maybe learning something. So I headed to the building, wanting to turn back, hoping no one saw me walk in and wonder what I was doing in the building. In the elevator I went, knees buckling, heart racing, and tempting to go back down. But I headed all the way up to the 7th floor, and walked into a very relaxing lobby. Almost movie like. I was expecting a set dresser to come and move a chair or a painting so that the room would have just the right feel.

Unfortunately I was about 2 weeks early for my appointment. The lady must have mistook my "Wednesday would be great" as a "how about 2 week from now Wednesday". I was a little disappointed, I was looking forward to having someone to talk to.

I wanting to possible talk why i thought these past couple of years and my anxiety were not at all related to the way I saw myself, which i what i have been assuming these past couple of years.In fact I think it's about the way I have seen the world . In a sense I have been angry, I have rebelled against falling into a group. I wanted to be...different. I mean not unique, but I didn't want to follow a group. In highschool I was a loner because I didn't want to get so comfortable that I wouldn't want to leave. So I was always on the fence, distancing myself so I wouldn't get to a place where it would be hard t leave something I was use to.

that's why every time I see those gothic kids/skateboarder kids/emo(I still hate them) kids...I always want to say "one day you will stop being angry at the world cause you will realize it gets better". I feel like since highschool I have reformed from being angry at the world, and I now want desperately to join what I shunned. I'm asking for it's(the world/life) forgiveness, and it's been quite a bumpy road proving that I want to belong in it.

The truth is is that am trying to find my way back into a place where I belong.I am no longer trying to fit into a place too small that I am busting out to escape. Or a place too big that I get lost in the folds. Like Goldilocks, with dark hair, I am trying to find something that is just right(as long as a bear isn't occupying that space). I no longer what to stand alone by myself and take on the world head on. That's a risky and tiring job, and one I don't qualify for.

I must study for an exam now. I have procrastinated way to long this week. But I did manage to get 17 points added to a math exam and 10 added to a quiz. It's this cuteness factor I have no idea what to do with this face some days. It's blessing and a curse.