Swans & The Swimming

Today I am in a very...sour mood.

I don't know where it sprung up from. Well actually I do, my idiot lab partner said something about my height in comparison to the girl I was standing next to.

It was a simple comment, light teasing. But I left pissed regardless and then all of a sudden in a funk...A funk that has put me in a mood.

Damn it all to hell. I must pull myself out of it before it swallows me whole, and I end up ten steps back from where I climbed. Damn it all to hell and my idiot of a lab partner.

How quickly I can go from 10 to 2. How quickly I want to retreat and hide my head under the covers, just for a day.

But...I won't. I'm done hiding in an attempt to not deal with the bad days. I'll have to learn how to take punches to the gut, get up, and go on. I'll have become more secure in who I am so when someone says something stupid I can brush it off of my shoulder, instead of carrying the weight of words. But I can still say Damn it all to hell somedays. That works also.

I am taking abnormal psych this semester and lets be honest it's basically free therapy every Tuesday and Thursday. Surprisingly the class isn't that horrible. The teacher is really into her stuff, there are things I learn that make me go "I'm glad I don't have that shit", and there is even a hottie psych guy(smart too) that I can glance at from my seat.

But some subjects make me uncomfortable because I feel like "damn I may have that", all anxiety related of course. Any way we have a project due in three weeks where we have to write about a topic of our choice and of course I figured "I minus well do it on anxiety learn all I can learn and maybe make an A". So today as I was going through some scientific journals(feeling very smart I must add) I stumbled across Avoidant Personality which can be caused from anxiety related disorders. It's freaky how similar the characteristics are to my everyday life.

The light bulb went off. I feel like since I know what's wrong I can continue to work on fixing it. No matter how frustrating and difficult and damning it all to hell it is. I think my biggest setback will be in avoiding the avoidance...If that makes any sense. I have to not resist against getting better. I have to resist hiding in the dark no matter how comfortable it's shadows are.

The days are getting colder which I love. It gives me an excuse to drink lots of Hot cocoa and write scenes for unfinished books. I have a plethora of unfinished stories that are stored in my computer. Some are adaptations of the stories I love, but most are my own imaginative leap into fantasy. Unfinished characters, dialogues, and even a few love scenes remain trapped in saved files( I suck at the love scenes and usually write *insert love scene* later).I suppose the rest of today will be one of those days. Dressed in my new old navy pajama shorts(which I love love), monkey sweater, holding on tightly to my cocoa, I will retreat into the comfort and warmth of my room. Retreating into safety from a bad day may be avoidant, but for today it will have to do. How can I pass that comfort up.

But first I must finish evil English paper. I am struggling with this close reading mess and have no idea if I am headed in the right direction. Whatever the case she is getting a paper tomorrow where I connect the grammatical structure of a passage from Madame Bovary to sexual innuendo of...well...Manliness. It's warped but I think she will like it, she tried to show me how an italicized word was flirty(yes a word that flirts with the reader) in respect to a certain passage. So I don't think she will mind my paper.