You're Not Freud.

OMG!!!! Therapy was today!!!

I was f*cking freaked out before heading into the building. All I could think of at work was what I was going to say to her(assuming it would be a woman). Lets be honest, I rarely ask for help. It's one of my biggest problem, even if have no idea where I am going, doing, I will not ask for help.

But I needed to go and do this. I needed to try to figure out what my issues are and try to sort them out before I go off to bigger and perhaps better things. But my nerves were still affecting me like no other.

What happened if she said I was a crazy person
Or that nothing was wrong with me and I was wasting her time and mine.
Okay she wouldn't say that, but I was only thinking the worst.

So I headed to the office, for the second this month, go up the 7 stories, fill out some form about my life and wait. I wasn't the only one waiting in this office. There was about 7 people sitting in this tiny lounge area, all looking very nervous. All very different from one another. I was of course guessing what each one was there for.

Kid next to me with glasses clearly stressed about about academics. Book smart type who seems like he would stress over every little thing.

Girl next to me. Knew a lot of people, kept saying hi. Probably fairly liked but at a crossroad of what is expected from her.

Girl sitting on the far left, clearly an eating disorder. She looked frail and pale and I wanted to give her some of my Cheez-its

Older lady, hypochondriac, but I know that from listening to her conversation while I was coming in the building.

One by one they came in, took there seat, waited, and then was greeted by an overly cheerful psychologist. Though I was the first one to come in, I was the last one standing(sitting). I grew a little worried that maybe I had shown up a week early again. And every person who walked by I thought was my potential psychologist.

15 minutes later, a cheerful face greets me. A lady in her late 20's with a friendly disposition.

"My name is Casey"

And with that quick introduction begins my start to recovery.

She took me to a little office which was red and decorated pretty well. I was expecting a couch or something but instead there were two chairs placed in front of one another, and a table with a box of tissues(for the crier) . I dropped my stuff on the floor, and so began our conversation about me...

And I opened up like a DAM. I mean I first started off saying that I had problems expressing what I feel, and the next thing you know I am talking a mile a minute about my issues. As if they are clearly presented before me. Bizarre. I briefly touch on what is bothering me; my anxiety, avoidant personality, general loneliness, and disconnections. She listens intently, writing on a note pad, and interjecting from time to time.

Midway she says "for someone who has difficulties expressing herself you are doing quite a good job" I hadn't realized that. In my mind I feel like the words aren't coming out as I want them, I feel like I am not making sense, but to her it is coming out well. To her I am introspective and quirky, and conceptualizing my feelings well.

I talk about Katherine, about my dad, about my bouts with "sadness". She nods her head, sympathizes with me. My voice is trembling the whole time, I don't even think it's because of nerves, but because they have been held in for so long, it is difficult for me to spit it out. But I continue on; explaining how my anxiety creates tension,especially in mouth, how I withdraw. She says that I make escapes(withdrawal) to avoid my anxiety, I realize that I fueling the fire of the very thing that consumes my life.

She thinks I am interesting, and smart, and that I am a creative writing major(well all but one was right). But what I learned the most is that, as she puts it, "I see myself differently then how other people see me". I have this inner critic making a home in my head. This inner critic that tells me that I don't deserve the things I so desperately want. Friends/love/happiness. I am consumed by how I think people see me that I withdraw from them. I don't take criticism well, even helpful criticism, and I am always looking for something greater than what I have now.

But the most beautiful part of it all, is that I learned I am not this ugly human being I have perceived myself to be. I am not the ugly duckling, and I deserve more. As long as I learn how to appreciate myself, to give myself more credit, to see myself in the light that other people see me in. She says we are going to work on making me concurrent with who I am internally and how I express myself externally. How to connect. How to find out what I want from people and from life, and build on that.

She said she was excited about the journey we are embarking on, and that I was the most exciting session she has had in a while. Though I am suffering from anxiety I am moving forward to dealing with it, and maybe overcoming it. I am the little engine that could and as long as I yell my mantra song over and over again "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" I can accomplish anything.

CHOO CHOO.

Because she is a psychologist in training she has to ask the people she is giving therapy too if they wouldn't mind being videotape so she can get evaluated by her boss. After staring at the camera for 5 minutes wondering if it was on(she assure me it wasn't) I told her I would think about.

Videotape? I don't know if in 20 years when me and Sufjan have been married for a considerable amount of time and our kids are in middle-school, and he is on his 35th album and I am a famous doctor/writer if I will want a videotape of younger insecure me, talking about my feelings.

But I also think it would be a little interesting. I haven't decided yet.

CHOO CHOO!!