I wonder if my dad regrets not having a greater impact on us?
If he knows that somewhere along the line he could have helped our development in becoming more stable adults.
Especially with my brother.
Who knows what insane path my brother is taking, but it isn't a good one. And once again i have to pick up the slack for his incompotence.
I notice that is all my mother and i talk on the phone about. A note of sadness creeps up in her voice, as she discusses him. Wondering what will become of his life.
Because of his extovertiness, my brother has someone charmed people. When they came down that weekend i was suppose to move into my "new" room, he got more hi's and small chatter, than i have in my year of being here.
I believe everyone expects me to live the right way. I'm suppose to get the good job, good education...but they don't expect anything extrodinary out of me.
Like some people have that older brother who out shines everyone. The younger sibling is just trying to live up to his standard. Not the case. I feel like i am taking over double duty, of hoping my mom doesn't think we are total failures but then trying to be this individual outside of what is expected of me.
His dissent into this unknown place is somehow bringing me in with him. I feel like i have to be the older one.
She just sounded so disappointed on the phone, by the stagnate state he is in.
and i don't think there is anything worse for a parent, then being disappointed in a child.
i wonder if my dad sees that it is a direct relation to him.
You don't notice these things until you get older, and you look at yourself in the mirror and you wonder "what the hell happen".
You see how important a parent's guidance or misguidance can be. When you can see in yourself and your brother this child, searching for someone to tell them that it will okay.
When you look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back at you.
I have an exam tomorrow i shouldn't be thinking about these things. I should be thinking about organic compounds and phospholipids.
1 comment:
That is quite heavy.
It's nice to see that you are so serious about your responsiblities and obligations, but what do you want? That's equally as important.
Good luck on the test!
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