Emerging from the Haze

I just woke up from the best nap in my whole entire life. I am like in mid "go back to sleep Beckett" and "You slept long enough, there is work to be done" Damn my self control, because otherwise i would be right back in bed now. My hair is all over the place now, and i think i shall venture outside with this crazy crop of hair.

I talked to my friend yesterday. The one who i value because she is my only true friend but get annoyed by because she isn't a great friend. We aren't the girls who went to the mall, or had sleepovers and pawned about the boys we were in like with. We argued about issues, and talked about the people we disliked, and i think it was a relationship built on surviving high school together, rather than a relationship built on this appreciation of each other. Our English said we were a perfect fit, because i taught her how to approach things more softly and she taught how to grow a backbone. Needless to say we still talk to each other, not as much, but we appreciate the friendship we had in highschool and are tyring not to fade away as most of these relationships do.

So she mentioned that her sister who is 16, has about three boyfriends, and does more than She does on a Saturday night. I guess it was a bog shock to herself, that her younger sister is having more fun than she is. So now she is trying to do things on the weekend because she doesn't want to do nothing. I guess that made me think also. I mean i'm not a girl who likes to go out all the time,but i do have this ever increasing want to have meaningful relationships with people. And in a way i deny myself that, cause i always think "well there is going to be an end to this, I'll move, we'll grow disdant, and then i will be left feeling sad because this didn't work out."

It stems from the move, because i had amazing friends in Westchester, and until about the end of 12th grade i had sustained relationships with 1 of them who was also my best friend. My best friend "Rochelle" and i had wrote lettters, talked on the phone and such for about the last 6 years that i have been here. Somewhere between the summer of what was suppose to be my start of freshman year in college, we stopped calling. It wasn't really on my part, cause i can completely devoted to friends that i have. I think so much that when we stopped talking it was like a slap in the face. Over the summer i tried to call her, that didn't work, so i wrote her a note. This was about in September and i was telling her about me not being in school, and how i was completely devasted. No letter came back. In October while i was on line her screenname popped up. I instantly started talking to her. I know that you can't tell the mood someone is in on IM, but her answer were written in a way that she just seem disinterested. After a while of typing my heart out and recieving "yeah." "thats sad" "yes" "no". I mean you think after not talking to each other for a long time, her answers would be long. So i signed off in mid sentence and haven't talked to her sense.

So i have thinking in that disatorus way, when approaching to make new friends. I don't allow myself to open up because it's easier to not put so much into to getting to know someone and it falling flat eventually. It was weird cause in English we are reading all these love poems, and we got out essay back today, and she was telling us a list of things she never wants to see in a essay. One of them is to never say "in today's society" which i always say. She says don't say that because everyone looks back on the childhood, as the good old times, or the 80's as the good times....but to the people in the 80's it wasn't the good old time, and even with my childhood i was pretty ready to grow up and didn't think of the time at all as the good old times. That generally people are always going to want to associate their childhood as the best times of their life. And i was like "whoa, greatest statement of the day" You can literally spend a lifetime living in the past, and that is wasteful and denies the experiences that life offers. So sorry it took 6 years to figure that out, i may have spent my time more wisely.

So going back to the talk with Marie and her sister with the three boyfriends. People have made fun of me and Heaher, and i guess we have made fun of each other also because of this, because we are very particular about our crushes. Her standards are way unrealistic but i think it's a way of avoiding being in a relationship because of her standards. I on the hand, do have standards but rarely do i have full on crushes. I mean thinking someone is cute, and thinking you want a relationship with this boy are two different things. So i've been crushing on art boy for the last couple of months(cause well he was in art class with me), and i've had every opprotunity to approach and strike a conversation, i mean he wrote me for goodness sake, but my uncomfortableness with relationships prevents me from talking to him. I mean he is so lovely. And i lovely is a girly word but thats all that i can think of when i think of him. Is that he is lovely. I mean he held the door open for me, and in a way deep voice said "your welcome". God i'm a sucker for "your welcome's" . And if i wasn't such an awkward, girl who hides in corners during meetings she should attend, i know that i would totally want him to my boyfriend. There i said though it took me 5 miuntes to type that word. and yet i avoid starting anything with him out of fear. Maybe i'm a big relationship phob.

And maybe that's why i keep having all these dreams. It think they are about me not trusting myself fully in relationships. That at the drop of a dime when i notice something is going wrong, i will try to run from it. Even when the other person is fulyl invested in making it work. That i could mess up a good thing because of my fear of it ending. Or maybe my hot doctor boyfriend in the future is just going to cheat on me. I don't know.

Not that i think i would be a horrible girlfriend. Just that i know my head is in the clouds. I'm a wreck. A funny, sometimes charming, shamelss wreck. I'm still dealing with the fact that my grandma isn't here anymore, and my dad, and dealing with all this anxiety that i have, and i couldn't ask for someone to completely deal with that. Not that it's baggage, just that i have deal with these issues first, cause i take a lot from the one's that i love. Not saying that i love him. But i know that sooner or later i would have my many off days, and shut him or anyone else in the prediciment off and reject the help or comfort that i needed, and that wouldn't be fair. Though his shoulder looks very lovely to cry on.

Or.

Maybe i just so do opposite Beckett. I should do as George did on Seinfield, do everything completely opposite and see how it pans out. Maybe i should relay, well once i get to know him, my complete want of his loveliness and company. And not worry so much about the inbetweens. Worry about them when the come about But until then go and get him, before he completely is out of reach.But he has invaded my ming to many times, lately. And i don't want him to just become some boy i had a crush on, but let fall out of my reach because of fear.

I don't know. I hope to be able to attend his meeting on Thursday. I have to talk to the director of the movie on Thursday about what me and the Art Directors idea sof the set will be. She was very nice and we had the same basic idea. Working with no budget leaves us limited. But the meeting is at 5:30 his club starts at 6:00, i will try not to look at my watch while talking to them
but will mention that i have to be somewhere.

Last but not least. I got a B on my english essay that i thought i bombed. She is a tough grader and kept mentioning that she doesn't give out many good grades on the first writing. So when i got my paper back, i totally did not look at it. I did the whole fold and tuck thing. So as soon as we got outside Mike said that he did really bad. i ask him what he got and he told me it was a D. That made me a little nervous and i peaked at mine and it was a B. I couldn't suppress my joy, and i jumped up and down. Admitedly he said that the teacher has something out for him, and just likes me because i show up to class every Tues and Thurs. Who knows but the next essay is reader response, and i get to pick a poem or song that i want to write about. Reader Response is so personal and seems a little harder that straight New Criticism.

Well now i'm totally awake now, and have to do something to burn off all this energy. Today must be music day cause there was a man playing the saxophone outside today, i was in love, well musically.