Mean Girls

I got Heckled....

I was walking down the street and i notice these three girls walking very slowly in front of me. You kind of notice when you are being talked about because all of a sudden voices get hushed, and they do the not so obvious that it actually is obvious glance back.

I should have just stayed behind them, but i was in a rush, so i moved quickly to get in front of them, and then Laughter from the three wenches insued. I mean loud laughter, so i could hear it. I kept looking at myself to see if anything was hanging or falling out. I hadn't gone to the bathroom recently so there couldn't have been paper trailing behind me. The heckling contiued until it there voices fade out.

I was never made fun of as a child. I was generally liked by most of my peers, probably because i didn't say much, and i try to be nice to everyone. I think when you get older people/ girls see your shyness as snobbish. Growing up i have had the most problems with girls my age. Which is why my mom always wonders why i have my boys as friends than girls.

I grew up with mostly boys, not saying that i am a totally tom boy. But just that i seem to take a more lax approach to problems. Boys get into arguments and as soon as it started, it's over. Girls get into arguments that can last a lifetime, and even when it is resolved, still will be brought in future arguments. I avoid fights, i hate when they happen, and try to squash them as soon as they occur.

Generally i think girls are just meaner. I think boys are more competive in a physical way. Can i run faster than him, can i lift more than him,etc.... Girls are more competive in a psychological way. It's all about deeming someone. "I'm way prettier than her" "her clothes are so out of style". And i think that type of competition is a senseless act.

I guess now i'm in a age where girls size each other up. Like a predator testing out the fight of it's prey. Of course it's not going to attack someone who will obsviously attack back. You kind of think at this age though, that this need to make yourself feel better by making someone else feel like crap would have been left in Middle. Apparently not.

Surprisingly i wasn't as upset as i figured i may have been. I know i don't fit in, i know that i'm a little weird sometimes, but i also know that i'm going to do something worth while with my life, and that stuff will soon not matter. Plus i was hoping they would have a booger in there noise when talking to some really hott dude, but i dealt with it pretty well.

I have been having insane dreams lately. I don't really talk about my dreams cause dreams is this really personal thing that we all have. I have had like 4 dreams in a row where my boyfriend/husband cheats on me. What's weird is that they are like a weekly show. And they seem to pick up after the next one. Having a little avoidnat personality my dream went something like this:

(in every dream i am a doctor so bear with me): So friends and i are gathered in an apartment having a generally good time. The guy i guess i have been seeing works at the hospital with me and we have the same circle of friends. Recently he has cheated on me, he lives in the same building as my friend and know that he will coming home soon. I jet out of the apartment, just as my friend yells to not take the elevator because i will most likely bump into him. Of course i take the elevator, there is an older man in their with me. I breath a sigh of relief that i am almost out of the building, but just as the elevator opens, in come "boyfriend" We lock eyes, and i try to squezze out before the older man. "Beckett, wait", before i can even run for the door he grabs me lightly putting me back in the elevator. Old men gets trapped in their with us. The doors close and as i reach for the open button he like places his body in a way that prevents me from doing so. "Will you just talk to me" I push him off "NO". Old man pushes the open button, Boyfriend pushes the close button. (the image of that old man caught in this weird prediciment is funny to me). "why won't you just let me explain" "becuase there is nothing to explain, LET ME GO!" the door finally opens, andwe are staring intensly at each other, until he moves his body and relunctantly lets me leave. "You can't keep walking away from this", and then i'm like running down a street.

It was real. I mean my dreams are so intense not because they are dreams in which i am flying, or doing something unusual. But because they are so real. The emotions from then lead me either pissed or happy in my waking state because i can't differentiate between wether it just happened or will happen.

I take my dreams for all as they are. This summer i had a dream my dad died. I called him up on Father's day to see if he was okay, he wasn't at my grandma's so i talked to her. 4 days later she died, and maybe in a sense a little piece of my dad died with her. So when i have dreams i take them as a sign of something.

I notice that i totally avoid situations and things like that, as with the whole dream thing. Because when i get upset with someone i totally shut myself off, leaving them wondering what is wrong with me, but i don't express what i am feeling. But that would really suck if my cute doctor boyfriend kept cheating on me. I mean i had this dream with him since about june and in everyone of them he's cheating and i'm running. I'm mad at him i don't even know him.