My aching Bleeding Heart

Mike keeps talking about Emo, thus the very depressing title that has nothing to do with this entry.

Emo, for those who don't know, is a sappy, depressing, overdramatic genre of music about how much one's life sucks. Even for me, it's complete garbage, but he's taken on the scene with full force. I think i stated in an early entry i stated that Mike is always talking about his other friends, as if i'm just his pretend friend until they graduate highschool. Which is weird that a college boy still hangs out with 11th graders, but regardless they are Emo kids also. I think it's stupid to have a label for yourself, like you are so devoid of any individuality that you must attach yourself to be a part of the clan, but i'm starting to think that is the way of the world and some of us are just meant to be clanless.

Along with this whole Emo obsession and stating that the All American Rejects are the best band in 20 years, which i completely disagree with, he wrote a poem that was four pages long, and wanted me to take a look at it. In my mind i grimace, i hate poetry and i don'y want to tell him that i would rather not read his long poem about i don't know, but trying to be a good pretend friend i read it.

It went something like: He has a crush on a friend who doesn't know that he has a crush on her and simply doesn't see the signs that he is totally devoted to being her everything. He pillow for her to rest her head, a shoulder for her to cry on, and something totally referring to intimate realtions and such.

Now the first thing that popped in mind was "damn this poem is really long, maybe i can just skim the poem and pretend like i liked it" The next thing was "God, i hope this isn't about me", which i don't think it was but still, that isn't happening, he is not on my agenda, and we are friends. Not that there's anything wrong with liking me, but not going to go in uncharted territories with him.

I always seem to attract the boys i don't want. Tuesday, French boy came in again, i'm starting to think he's complete niceness is b/c he has manners and not b/c he is madly deeply in love with me. He came in with a couple of his friends, and periodically i couldn't help but stare over at the table and wish i was among them. LIke why can't i get the smart, nice, cute in a quirky way boy to pawn over me. Instead of the stalkerish, boys who i do not like.

The other day i was walking back to my door, and this random jockish dude was like

"Hey, how you doing?"

Scanning me up and down

"i'm doing good"

"where you going?"

"i gotta study"

"Hope i see you around"

Red flags flew up everywhere. I instantly pressed my notebook to my body, as if it would guard me against his animalistic scan of me, and headed back to my dorm. I don't think Mike likes me, but i am use to having friends begin to like, and then i start becoming fearful of impending relationships so i shut them off, and retreat.

I was friends with a boy named Peter who i kind of liked. He was smart, and played the cello, and the guitar and like the Goonies. The moment i thought he liked me back, i wouldn't talk to him. Clearly i have problems with getting to close to people. I know that if i had a boyfriend i would be dependent on him for emotional support. I feel like telling them "you don't want me, sure i look pleasant, shy, nice...but i'm a complete headcase, who gets sad sometimes, who needs you to be their without always being there, i'm trying to save you now, before you are searching for a way out later on in the relationship"

It's self destructive i know, but in a way it's of protecting myself of potential heart ache, blame that on "N". But then there are some days when you want to completely have someone pawn over you. Stupid stuff, like brush the hair out of your face, kissing on the cheek at odd intervals, and reading the news together in the paper, discussing the interesting one's that pass you by.

I do hate love, but sometimes you just are taken by it's beauty. I'm so afraid of it being spoiled by the world, that i deny myself the ability to recieve love from a boy. I think it would hurt to much.

Enough of that

I called my friend the other day, my weird friend who only calls me when she is bored. Like i am her puppet to amuse her when deemed fit . I don't usually call her, not because i'm a horrible person, just that i'm not much of a talker on the phone. So she calls me about 95% of the time. So yesterday i decided that i would be the one to call for a change. That i would make an attempt to keep the always hard "high school" friend relationship. When i called her though she totally blew me off. Like i was annoying her. She wasn't in class, she was just having lunch and her words were short and crisp. I realized then that all my friends are strangers. I mean
A) in the literal sense
B) in the few friends that i have sense.

Focusing on B, there is this horrible thing called Myspace. You may have an account, you may not. I had one a long time ago, but it seems a little pretentious to go on a site like a personal add almost. I think you just want to have the most friends on your friends list. Some say they do it to keep in touch with old friends, i say use a phone, letter, etc...but we are in a new age. A age of the internet.

I have some highschool friends on my IM, we were in AP English together, and because of our dislike of some of the people in our class (Us vs. Them) we exchanged IM information. Yesterday as i was on his screennamed popped up. I didn't even know who it was, reading his away message which had links to his myspace account, i was shocked at this new person i had seen. He looked totally different, he was changed. Among his friend list were many other people who i had gone to high school with. And you recognize that all these people are strangers to you now. They are leading entirely different and separate lives.

Once again i had the feeling of being trapped in my ever present living in the past state, and my refusal to move forward. They are all strangers, even my friend who i called yesterday, different in a way. I'm different too. Just a little realization that i had yesterday.