I feel like for someone 19 i have so many regrets under my belt.
I'm in this state of being Ok. And i don't think it's a good one.
I constantly think of the past. And i wonder who i would have been if we had never moved. It's an irk that stays with me daily. It comes to me, when i feel misplaced, alone...all the time really.
I think it's because everything was so perfect before, and because i feel like nothing will live up to it, but because of that i refuse in some ways to experience happiness. Like unless all the pieces to this puzzle called Beckett, is put together perfectly then i don't deserve anything else.
I'm afraid of being happy here, line in a way it diminish the memories of my past. Like a slap in the face for being a traitor. I have never given myself the want to be happy here, and that has manifeasted itself, into this persistant state of being ok. Of being borderline to sanity and happiness.
I just wonder all the time who i would have been. And sitting in class today i realize that i don't even know who i am now. All i have are these expectations and generalizations of the person i assume of could have been in New York. And because of have totally invested many years wondering how i could have been at home, i have no idea who i am here.
Would I have continued playing the violin professionally?
Would me and my friends even been friends now?
Would I have been accepted ivy league school?
Would me and "N" even be together?
Would my grandma have died?
And i'm so sick of thinking of the would have's but to afraid to let them go. Because then what will be left of me. If all i have ever thought of is who i would have been, instead who i am now.
I don't know. My head hurts
4 comments:
You should give your new place a chance and not be afraid of what comes every day. If you keep like that, do you think you¡ll ever be happy ? just give it a chance, and it's not bad to remember the past, but pay attention to the present. I'm sure you can be happy there if you really want it. Nothing new you do it's going to replace the life you had before, and that's what life's about, to try new things all the time =)
You eeirily decribed in the first section of your post a feeling that I have with a different problem. I was actually just talking about it with a good friend yesterday in the same manner. Odd. I don't have an answer either. All I know is that I am tired of the status quo and I want to move on. I am done with living half alive.
With not knowing who you are, I think that is just something with age. I ahd no idea until very recently but I remember thinking the same things while younger. My theory is is that you know who you are, you just don't have the evidence - if that makes sense.
I hope things start to get better for you and I hope you get some resolution for those questions.
There are two kinds of people when faced with adversity. The first are the people who look back on their life and brood over the could haves and would haves trying to beat issues to death and figure them out. Issues that even if you are lucky enough to "figure out," wont make a difference in the life circumstances you have today. Allowing the mind to spend all the time it does on the past is a security blanket to having to deal with the reality of life today because it's riskier. Group two are the people who see life as a series of situations, most of which are uncontrollable and when adversity strikes they don't cry over spilt milk. Instead, they value the life they are blessed to live and value the moment they are living right now, so instead of wasting time feeling bad, they just place the situation and pick up the pieces to living their life now and making new memories and new realities to take advantage of opportunity. Group two is the place that we should all be before we wake up one day and realize that the beauty of life has passed us by worrying about "who we would have been" when it doesn't matter and in the meantime wasted away the greatness of who we are now ... even if we are riddled with problems. In my opinion the difference between people in group one and two is almost as different as people who have high and low self-esteem. We all know this in our heads,,,I know making it happen is more difficult...but essential.
answers to your questions: probably not. all those great things you imagine happening had you stayed - probably wouldn't have happened. or would have, but not with the right kind of results.
there's no way of knowing what would have happened. and thinking about it too much will only make you feel sick and sad.
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