'Not Without Your Permission'

So apparently I find these four words very attractive when said from the mouths of cute boys. Seriously.

A week ago, Cool Ass Dude from Work, said he was getting a new desk and was going to have to put his old one in storage unless he could find someone to take it off his hands. Despite my initial fears of collecting a lot of things, when he said this, I immediately said "I'll take it, I've been wanting a desk in my room for a while now'. I am pretty comfortable with my living situation and until I get a job in the city (where living closer will be both cheaper and lighter on the travel thing) I have every intention of remaining at my current place for at least another year.

And because my brain and heart knows this, I want to decorate and personalize my room as much as possible. I want to bring a sense of calm and comfort to my home away from home and a desk is just the touch I need in my space. Because I really miss having a desk; having one has always made me feel more productive, cause lets be honest when I use my computer in bed i get little to no work done. I play the sims, watch videos on youtube and surf the net for things like 'scottish slang', no lie.

So we agreed that as long as I could find a way to get it to my place the desk was mine. And luckily I know a lot of people with cars and convincing them ( 'I'll buy you pizza) was easy. Cool Ass Dude dismantled the desk on Wednesday and McAbs (who he is pretty good friends with) brought it in his car today during the mandatory 8 o'clock store meeting we seem to have every year (it was BS, we all looked so rough the rest of the day). Of course when McAbs told me he had my new desk in his car to take back to my house I was a) excited ya'll and b) anxious.

McAbs, in my house, in my bedroom, near my personal items. Oh, hell no.

My relationship with McAbs has evolved into a decent friendship since Summer. He still has a girlfriend and I'm still not a scandalous whore so we remain friends, with the sexual tension of Mulder and Scully (Bones and Booth pre this season) looming overhead, who joke around, flirt and bicker. No one seems to get why we get along. Kat shakes her head at us two a lot, as if she is exasperated with the amount of back and forth banter we have. But generally I like McAbs. So he can be a totaly douche sometimes, so he talks about SEX a lot but...we get along, and we have each others back and he buys me lunch sometimes. It's fun having him around. I treat him like my platonic work boyfriend who I can come to when customers and driving me crazy and I just need someone to talk to.

But this is not to say that being platonic friends with him is easy. Because it isn't all the time. There are some days when the boundaries seem to blur and we have to pull away to remember that he has a girlfriend and I am not a boyfriend stealer. We have never (ever) gone beyond hugging and an occasional kiss on the check but even that seems wrong and we both regret it afterwards.

So when he said that he would drive me home after the two hour meeting to drop the desk off, I sort of freaked internally. My room is my sanctuary. It is my solace away from the world, I rarely invite people over because I feel like my space my divine space that cannot be corrupted by another person (outside of family; including the people i live with, they are simply amazing). And inviting McAbs into my space, seemed almost too personal. Having him close to my bed, and my books, and my dumb writings seemed...invasive. Because He is so masculine and often brutish and crude and I imagine things crumbling around him if he were to enter my room (wow this all sounds very sexual, i apologize).

But I really wanted that damn desk. Cool Ass Dude sent me a picture when he first mentioned he wanted to give it away, and I already picked out a spot in my room to place it. And McAbs schedule rarely coincides with mine, so I wasn't sure he would be able to bring it any other day. I was actually shocked when he said he'd brought it all because he made such a stink about the desk possibly messing up his car. So with a willing McAbs available to do all the grunt work, I put my fears aside and said 'yeah, sure we'll totally bring it to my house". With a few rules:

Because my landlady and daughter and older son (who doesn't live here) usually have Saturday breakfast together, McAbs would have to bring the desk upstairs and then, using my exact words, 'get the fuck out my house'. My landlady is sorta religious and her daughter is only ten, so i didn't want to give them the impression that I was bringing a boy over to do....adult things. And McAbs was cool with this, cause he was being lazy and didn't want to put the desk together anyway.

When we get to my house we've already established a game plan. I'll grab the detached desk legs and he'll grab the desk top and back. We'll make our way, quickly, upstairs as to avoid weirdness and then he'll 'drop that shit and go". Right.

Of course the moment we open the door those plans are all but shot to hell. Nicole, landladys 10 year old daughter, hearing my voice from inside the foyer is waiting at the door with the cats, our new puppy, and a shocked expression on her face at the sight of me....with a boy. I introduce McAbs to a now smiling Nicole (who is giving me the 'who is this' face) and am a little shocked by how comfortable, sweet and charming he is to her. The dog, who is now loose, runs into the foyer to smell McAbs who is struggling to hold up the desk but manages to pet the dog until he runs back to Nicole.

Nicole is talking to McAbs a mile a minute, introducing the dog, and herself again, and giving me a 'seriously who is this' face. But he remains, very friendly, and approachable and I am taken aback by this side of McAbs. After a few more exchanges between Nicole, I begin to make my way upstairs, once I realize our plan is getting all screwy, but McAbs does not follow. He is still in the foyer, nodding at something Nicole is saying and nudging the dog with his shoes (which the dog loves)

Me: "Hey why aren't you following"
McAbs: You haven't asked me in yet?
Me: [longest. pause. ever] When did you become a vampire.
McAbs: Who do you think I am, walking into a house without being asked. I need your permission first. I can't come in without your permission.

I am a little stunned by this. This is a dude who has openly talked to me about everything under the sun. This is a guy who I often have to say 'I think that's enough information'. This is a dude who expresses little to no interest in boundaries. And yet, there he was in my foyer, unflinching, unmoving, until I invited him in. I couldn't believe it, so much that, I walked back down the stair and gave him a 'are you kidding look' but he wasn't, and the desk was visibly heavy and he wouldn't budge. not until i permitted him.

Me [heart. slowing. beating]: Fine. You have my permission.

And it was like the veil that was preventing him from entering had been lifted and he crossed the doorway into my house, taking care to wipe his feet.

Oh. My. Word. I think I literally may have, briefly, falling stupidly in love with his comment. Who, asks permission to enter someones house. And yeah, he may have just done so because Nicole was there and he didn't want to barge in, but it was terribly sweet. Terribly.

When I was in therapy, I describe anxiety as a house. A big beautiful house that, of course, I didn't allow any visitors inside. It was a guarded, fenced off, escape for me that fed into my own fears about myself and my placement in the world. And while I feel less anxious and depressed than I did in college, those aspects of my being will never go away. I remember telling my therapist that only few people were allowed into the house of anxiety, that I rarely invited visitors in. And it had/has much to do with a fear that they would trample on all the delicate possessions that I stored within the walls.

So when McAbs asked for my permission to enter my safe, guarded, house (without any previous knowledge of my anxiety)....my escape from the world...it was like a promise that he would leave it just as he entered it. That he'd just stay for as long as I allowed and then go when it was time.

And he did exactly that. We brought the desk pieces to my door, where he laid them gently in front of my locked door and then asked if there was anything else I needed him to do. Of course, I said no, (nicole was still waiting on the stairs, peeking up at us two) and I walked him to his car, after he said goodbye to everyone (including the damn dog).

And I know, I know, I know that it's wrong to think of McAbs this way...but goddamn he was such a sweet, sweet boy today. And I felt so safe having him in my house, with my things, that he tenderly made sure not to destroy.

I'm such a sucker for dumb, nice things, boys do for me. And despite what anyone says about the nature of our relationship, and how odd the two of us are together, I can't help but respect that he respect my personal space. That literally, he took the time to explore swiftly yet delicately my guarded surroundings only after being permitted to do so.

Private Icon:

Kat and I are obsessed with this magazine called Nylon. It's sort of a fashion, music, design/art nylon heavy on crazy layouts and all things interesting and independent.

I am not a fan of woman magazines. From Cosmo to InStyle, Vogue to Lucky the articles in women magazine cannot compete with some of the gems I have read in say, GQ and details. While men magazines (that do not fall into the skin category) are filled with not only well dressed men but articles about pop culture and current events that i want to read over and over again. I mean how many 'how to please your man' articles can you read in Cosmo before you realize that they are recycling the same articles every few months.

I picked up Nylon, unfortunately located near Seventeen magazine, because they were doing a Horror issue (scream 4 had just come up and they were featuring the new cast) and ever since then I have eagerly awaited my new issue every month.

Nylon does this interesting piece called Private Icon, which features characters from books, TV and/ or movies/movies whose style has influenced or could influenced the fashionata in all of us. And they haven't gone the cliche route. They profiled Judy Funnie from Doug, Lux Lisbon from the Virgin Suicides and recently Winona Ryder from Heathers, Beetlejuice and Reality Bites. Using clothes that defined their characters, cosmetic accessories or other key items there character would most likely wear in the 'real world' the layout has come to be my favorite piece from Nylon.

Recently after coming across their Private Icon page featuring Charlize Theron from Cider House Rules, Kat and I thought it'd be fun to do make our own layouts...based on our own individual style. Immediately I jumped at the mini art project. I've been slacking the creativity these last few weeks despite 'James Franco' and I's countless conversations about art and inspiration (why can't he be 25) and this served as a quick creative thing i could do to remind myself that I am...well creative.And this project was simple enough. I didn't need much outside of my personal items and a camera to take the pic. And while my simple attempt looks nothing like the professionalism of the Nylon spread I am quite smitten with the results. It's me in a nutshell. Nerdy and Sweet.

Lately I've been enjoying my New York life more than usual. I continue to feel overwhelmed and stressed about things but my friends are making everything more bearable and I am convinced that the life I want here can exist. I recently found out that a boy i had a crush on in college (i think I referred to him as Music guy) is living in Brooklyn, dating boys (not all that shocking to be honest) and attendingNYU. NYU people!!! And instead of being jealous and all 'wtf" I couldn't help but realize I too can have the experience and success here if I just put myself out there a little more.

I'm going to have to sit down soon and compile a list, draft a layout perhaps for my future plans. I have put the job search on hold until after the holidays because I'd really like to go home for Thanksgiving and couldn't imagine starting a new job right before then. But this means that I have at least two weeks to come up with a game plan to shake things up a bit in my life. I feel like I can do this.

And and in totally unrelated news, I'm finally getting a damn desk in my room. After mulling over the idea of having any more furniture in my room, John (cool ass dude from work) said he had a small computer desk he was getting rid of this week and I could have it if I wanted (for free!). After discussing how and when we would get it to my house, because we both don't have cars, I was pleasantly surprised by the number of people who offered their car services as long as a) pizza was provided and b) I promised no scratches would be made to their shit cars.

Hooray for new furniture!

A Brief Interlude.

Even with this extra hour, there clearly are not enough hours in the day for me to get anything done.

Unfortunately the snow did little in the 'pick me up department' to well, lift me spirits. While I spent the better part of the snowstorm under the covers with my remote controller near by (a perfect day in my book), I am still lethargic and dragging by these days.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I am depressed. Emotionally drained, yes. Mentally spent, probably. Tired, overworked, and a little stressed and ready for a small break from it all, definitely.

The last few weeks have been so weird. I feel completely run downed and a little outside of myself. Suddenly things that had little concrete interest to me; relationships with boys, money (and how I can make more of it), building solid friendships with people and a desire to wear dresses and nail polish, are pushing their way to the forefront of my mind. And I am completely ambivalent about all of this.

I love the word ambivalence, because up until I saw Girl Interrupted I'd misused the word to describe my nonchalance about things. But Ambivalence, as Susanna Kaysen doctor points out, is about conflict, opposing feelings towards something or one, some event or situation. And I must say I am feeling a lot of ambivalence lately about everything.

While I am madly, deeply attracted to 'James Franco' it is sometimes hard talking to him because at 20, he has not yet been jaded by experience. He has several tattoos; one on his arm, one near his heart, an idea to get one on his side about optimism and living life to the fullest. Which I totally get and appreciate. But there is something about being 20 that makes you feel like you conquer the world. Hell at 20, even with all the anxiety and depression, I was convinced that I too would one day take the world by storm.

But our age gap is making me realize a lot more about myself than I would like to admit. Of course, like 'James Franco" I still maintain that I will conquer the world with my sheer awesomeness, i'm a little more practical about how I want to go about doing this. I realize now at 25 that I have to work to be the person I want to be. And that even applies to creating my own version of happiness. And who knew that my wants and aspirations would look so different from what I want now. And I am sort of conflicted about it all. Like how do I handle all these new things that I suddenly want as a person in her mid 20's.

I no longer want to do some of the things I thought I wanted at 20. I am not so much looking to run away from my problems. Hell, I still want to move to England. I still want to travel and write extensively, but I know now that that takes a lot more than looking through travel books and mentally booking tickets at night. I know that everything, is more of an orchestrated ordeal rather than a 'spantaneous happenstance'.

Moreso, I crave stability on a both an internal and external level now that I actually enjoy planning things about with concrete goals. I want to be comfortable in my own skin along with being able to support myself as a something 20. And that includes having a stable, non retail related job. That includes figuring out what I want to do with myself and who I want to be. And sure I don't have it all figured out, but everyday I am learning what I like and what I don't like in order to concentrate my energy.

And oh, and I'd also like to date and have a boy that is mine and mine alone. I'd like to create and write things I am proud of, I'd like weekends off to shop for groceries and check out library books. I'd like to have friends and not worry so much about getting to close.

And more and more these wants are reminders of where my life is going and what I am, in a way, leaving behind to make room for all the new things. And I am not sure if I am completely okay with this. I am fearful and worried and wanting to fall back on the my damaged safety net in order to escape having to deal with my opposing feelings about where I came from (shy, introverted, anxious gal) to where I want to be (introspective, confidant, funny gal).

Case in point: Relationships. All of a sudden, i am all 'I'd really like a boyfriend', 'I'd really like someone to have around'. And unlike college, where no boys, ever showed an interest in me ever, I am suddenly surrounded by single guys, some of whom I wouldn't actually mind dating. And I have no idea how to go about doing this.

"James Franco" aside, because he is truly truly to young and literally said "I'd like to hang out with John (a cool ass employee) but I'd don't think he'd take kindly to my self-indulgence and all about me conversation', there are some actual contenders in the boy department. Some interesting, silly and dumb, dateable guys who'd I'd like to hang out with and get to know. And it is weird suddenly wanting this form of intimacy ( a closeness with someone on an emotional level ) that use to scare the crap out of me. That use to cause me to freak the hell out.

In fact, everything current life change feels strange and new to me. Like who the hell is this girl with my face and voice and plaid t-shirt, wanting everything I use to want (to travel, to write, to be understood) suddenly also wanting a place of her own (while I love, love, love my current living situation, I know in a year or two I would like to be able to afford my own studio apartment), a boy to cuddle with and friends to hang out with on the weekends. Who is this girl, who bears my resemblance yet whose desires are strange and new.

And the answer is it's me of course. It's always been me but like an awakening the image that I have for my life is just coming into view and I'd like it to to be a tangible thing to have, if I can just push past the fear and trepidation of really, deep down inside, of wanting to belong to something finally. Of wanting to have a life for myself that is completely, independently my own.

Snow Day!!!

In October, of all months. I'll take it.

I was expecting only a few flurries today, not the few inches of snow that has ended up on the ground.

It's been snowing on and off since 11am this morning and I must say I am very content with lounging in bed today (Le Sad Store actually closed early today. 5pm to be exact!), drinking hot chocolate and watching a very dumb movie on Liftetime.

I've not been in the mood to do much of anything lately (including writing) and the storm may be the pick me up I need to get me in better spirits. Do you ever feel immobilized by your own....indecisiveness. I feel like I am in a stalemate of sorts and it's not that I am stuck just simply taking at break at the crossroads because doing anything but remaining still hurts.

I haven't heard anything back about the job I applied for two weeks ago. And while I know the smart thing to do would be to send someone an email this Monday to inquire about the position, I don't feel up to it. I am simply wiped out from the job hunting process and I need a small break from trying to sell myself. Just until Thanksgiving has passed.

And for some reason, despite my utterly crappy week, with crappy news (the only sane manager left at Le Sad Store is leaving in a week) and crappy insane feelings for a soon to be 20 year old James Franco look-a-like (we talked about story writing this Tuesday, not because he is interested in writing, but because he is interested in me as a writer. Where did this kid come from? My inner, most, deepest dreams); the snow, which has a way of demanding that you pay it full attention, has been a nice distraction.

It has forced me to remain inside, clear my head, and watch the ground disappear underneath a cloth of fluffy snow.

And for some reason, even if it's just for a minute, the sight has made a world of difference.

Jan Brady Complex

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster and I don't think I have cried this much in a very long time.

Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the current job situation. I am still waiting to hear back from the publishing company and due to my travel plans for Thanksgiving, I would prefer to start a job or continue my job search after November (especially because this year the managers made a real stink about me requesting turkey day off, and I don't think starting a new job will allow me time to go home).

Instead I am stressed about about people and life and wants and desires and general anxieties about myself. I feel as if I am being pulling in a million and one directions from the people around me and I don't know how to reconcile any of this. I recently got into an argument with Kat because she sent me a text Blue Matt sent her a week ago. With his new job, Blue is only able to hang out with anyone after 6pm on the weekday and on the weekends. He has been trying to get us all to go on a group trip to the city; to check out some museums, grab some grub and take pictures.

We were all suppose to (Kat, Blue and I) go to the city next Sunday and possibly ride bikes in central park and then grab hamburger but Blue was starting to get concerned that Kat, who he has a huge crush on, would bail like she has done so many times before. So he sent her a text (or two or five) begging her not to bail because "I like Beckett and all but this is suppose to be a group thing, and it would be really weird just going with her' or something like this.

For the life of me I cannot understand why Kat would send me this text; a text, that I of course took to mean that Matt doesn't want to hang out with me alone (like he does with Kat). While, I know the text between him and Kat was private and he wasn't trying to put me down in some way (by saying he didn't want to hang out with me alone), it was sort of devastating.

When I look at the relationship Blue has with Kat, I can't help but feel envious. Not because I LIKE Blue in any way, shape or form, but because he treats her like a friend he wants to be seen with (or eventually date, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend). On Thursday they always go to the movies, or to grab burgers, or to wander the mall to look at the decorations in Sears. He makes an effort, possibly because he wants to sleep with her, to connect with her even if just for an hour or two a week.

But, I on the other hand, am never invited to do any of these things. By Blue or any of the boys at work. Kat has the way about her that the boys gravitate too. She is an attractive girl, with fiery red hair and yet a vulnerability to her. When she comes around, the boy I could be talking to, will admittedly stop talking to me and go off with Kat. And it doesn't help that Kat loves the attention. She has said before that she wants the attention to be on her, to make other girls (namely the ones she doesn't like) jealous. To put them in their place.

And this is all fine and dandy, except when I inadvertently am that girl. I don't consider myself a homely, ugly, plain, unexciting chick. I think I'm pretty and interesting but I'm not really comfortable in my feminine skin yet (like Kat). I still rock baggy clothes and old school t-shirts. I still say yuck when someone asks why I don't wear makeup and you couldn't get me to wear a skirt if you paid me. And because boys are visuals creatures, I sometimes feel like the ugly duckling around Kat. Especially when the ratio of boys who pay her attention trumps the one or two who look my way.

And i KNOW i am being a stupid, dumb, sensitive girl but some days I want people to be interested in having me around. I want to be the girl who people seek to hang out with. And I hate feeling like the 2nd runner up. So when she me a text of what Blue said I was livid. WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T HE WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME ALONE? Am I not cool enough/pretty enough/interesting enough to be seen in public with him? Maybe he just invited me along so that Kat would feel more inclined to come? Why is it that Kat is sooooo damn special? Marcia! Marcia! Marcia

I immediately sent Blue a text saying that I didn't want to ruin his trip to the city and was not going to go. I ignored Kat's text asking why I didn't respond back to her text about what Blue said. I shut down. I internalized. I felt hollow.

I am not so much insecure about myself as i am trying to understand my wants and desires from myself and the people around me. And on the top of the list is being needed by the people I invite into my life. In a way, I feel sometimes like Kat likes to have me around because I am no competition to her. And Blue likes to have me around because it draws Kat in and because I am the funny comic relief that is never the star of the movie but the memorable, fleeting character.

And for the last few days, I have let this whole conversation (and apologizes from both end) eat me up. I cried and cried some more and then sulked because I felt invalidated by both Kat and Blue. And then I felt angry at Kat for sending me Blue's text and at Blue for using me. And then I just felt sad and angry and depressed about everything.

On Thursday Kat and I didn't say one word to each other. She was so gloomy and sullen to the point where everyone kept asking her what was wrong, which only made me feel worse because I was the injured one. And then "James Franco" came in to visit her on his day off (because while i have connected to him on some level, he too has been lured by Kat's delicate, dangerous beauty) and I got all frustrated. So frustrated to the point where I even ignored him.

I like 'James Franco' more than I like to admit. And when Kat asked if it was okay that she begin flirting with him at work, I said 'okay' because outside of the marvelous day in the city we spent together, 'James Franco' and I remain in the platonic friend zone. Which is okay, i guess, because he is soooo young. At 20, our five year age difference seems colossal. I once referenced 'Blossom' in a conversation and he had no idea what I was talking about. It was brutal.

But he is really mature for his age, and sometimes in my dumb girl brain, I wish I was more his type. I wish he would give me the amount of attention he's given Kat recently (he made her a mixcd, I was very jealous). But he doesn't, so I watch occasionally from the sidelines (like the damn runner up) wishing I were in her place as he gushes over her, and touches her hand in a delicate way. And I pine, perhaps, to be wanted.

And after the whole Blue statement, and Kats lack of tact/discretion, and 'James Franco' slight interest towards her I couldn't help but feel like a dumpy, frumpy, uninteresting girl (the whole dreadful week) who no one will ever want (in a friend way. in a romantic way. in any sort of way).

So I ignored him, for reasons that were purely out of jealousy. I ignored him because....of Kat. Because of my issues with Blue. Because of my issues with myself.

But 'James Franco' was not having any of this. While most people (mcabs) allow me to be distant and rude and moody, 'James Franco' was not okay with the silent treatment I was giving him. After three days of complete silence, he interrupted my break today to ask what 'was up with me' and my 'mood' and my 'attitude towards him' (kids got some balls). Just like that, as if the answer was that easy. Luckily we were the only two in the break room, so the way I decided to answer could not get me in trouble or cause anyone to worry

"I'm not dealing with things well right now, and I'd like to feel like shit so I can figure out what to do next. I'm sorry "

"You don't have to be sorry. But I'd like you to talk to me about it, especially if it's something i did, and if it has nothing to do with me, I'd like you to come to me anyway, just because" (paraphrasing, he is only 20 after all)

For some reason, 'James Franco' makes me want to be honest about things, and rarely do people tell me I can come to them to vent. so I say

"Up until three years ago, I didn't know how to go to people and tell them my problems. I don't mean to come off rude or bitchy or distant but I feel like people want me to be someone that I can't, and I want them to be someone they can't and I don't know how to come to terms with our inability to do that".

And he looked at me, wearing his stupid hipster glasses and said the he understood. That I can't worry about trying to be anyone except myself because just being me is worth more than trying to be someone else. And that it's okay to sulk and be in a funk and disappear into thoughts for awhile but coming up for air is helpful to. Talking is too.

"You have my number you know. Outside of this shit hole, you can always call me. I hope you know that"

"Yep"

And with that, he walked out.

How am I not suppose to be attracted to this. How? If James Franco were to barge in on you while you were picking at your food and writing bad poetry, only to tell you to 'perk up, or discuss whats wrong', what would you do? You'd gush and spend the last two hours replaying the scene in your head.

When did my life become a Degrassi High episode. I don't think I can take much more of this.

Dear Customer (Round 2),

If you are standing in the checkout line, with books in your hand, and I ask 'may I help the next person' because I am the cashier at the time, you have NO Right (as a common decent human being) to tell me to 'hold on, I'll be ready in a minute' while you try to make up your mind about purchasing the language book.


Standing in a line at the cashwrap means (in retail world) that you have now completed your shopping trip and are ready to 'check out'. And once your turn has come (after waiting a few minutes), you are to make your way to the counter, hang me over your items, and me complete the transaction as soon as possible (i am not one for chit chat at cashwrap).

It does not mean that you, and your dumb friends, can linger in front of my register, chatting it up about the book you aren't sure you want to buy, only to tell me to "wait, until I'm ready' when I inquire about how I can help you. You sir, and your douche friends are IN LINE, which means only one of two things: you are about to ask me to help you find a book;to which I will tell you to go to customer service OR you are ready to check out.

That's It. It does not mean that I am your personal cashier, ready to assist you whenever you are ready.

It does, however,mean that I get to talk about you, loudly, (because hey you are there) to the "E-Reader" Guy who has just heard you tell me to 'wait a minute'. It does mean that I get to complain about dumb rude customers and the pains it takes to come to work and deal with them every day. It also means that when you do decide to buy that book, I have every right to tell YOU to wait a minute, while I slowly finishing 'cleaning' up at my register which has all of a sudden gotten soooo dirty.

And while you are entitled to huff and puff all you want as I stall for time, I am once again allowed to tell you to 'hold on just one more minute' while I then call someone else over to ring you up and then proceed to go on my 15 minute break which lasted 25. I'm allowed to do that: as a patient and loving employee of Le Sad Store.

Have A Great Day,

Your Local Sales Associate.

Bad News. Good News.

So about that interview I went on last week...

I can't believe, I've been so mum about how it went or if I got to the next phase of the interview process. Excuse me and my forgetful news. Good News or Bad News first?

Bad News: I didn't move on to Round 2.

While the interview went really well (on many levels) I was passed up, once again, due to my 'inexperience'. I was spunky, upbeat, enthusiastic and knowledge about publishing. But most of my experience is not job specific and the position they were hiring for (editorial assistant) in the business heavy division (urban planning) needed a candidate able to easily transition in the role. So while I sparkled and dazzled the pants off my interviewer, I received another rejection letter a few days later wishing me luck.

Good News: I have another interview with the same company tomorrow!

Say What? While I did receive one of the most polite rejection letters ever, it was not a full on 'we don't want you' notice. Instead, the Editor I interviewed with said she liked my enthusiasm and personality so much that she passed my resume to the Editor of the Music department whose editorial assistant recently put in his/her two weeks notice.

While nothing was set in stone she did mention that I may hear back from someone in a few days about an interview with said Music Editor. So, I was excited to receive a call on Friday from the publishing company asking me to come in for another interview (for a different job of course).

Round 1.5, I've been calling it.

The interview is tomorrow afternoon and I am pumped and a little nervous. Hunting for a job is taxing on the soul. Every rejection is like a kick to your ego. When I graduated from college a couple of years ago, I thought I'd have a job immediately. I mean, I'm smart. I'm educated. I am capable. I'm a generally well rounded, even tempered gal. Three years later, after being told 'i don't have enough work experience' 'i should take more internships' 'i need a better background in xyz' you can kind of feel like four years of college was a waste.

I can't get a job because i don't have work experience. But I can't get real life work experience if no one will hire me. Job hunting sucks and until I get one I will have to work my way around rejection.

So tomorrow is huge. The editor did not have to pass my information along to anyone. But she saw something in me outside of my 'inexperience' to help me in my job hunt.

I've done enough research for tomorrow to be prepared (and ask interesting questions) but i'm trying to remain calm in order to let my enthusiasm and passion come through. All I need is for ONE person to believe I can do the job and I am a shoe in for a nice entry level position. Fingers crossed that that one person is sitting across from me tomorrow. I'm ready to begin a new phase in my life and put the hassle of job hunting and bookstore slaving behind me.

The Simple Life:

Things I'd like to do today (but can't because i have to be at work in an hour):

• Call out from work


• watch daytime television and dumb talk shows


• take a very long cat nap


• make lunch: pasta, Alfredo and a lot of Parmesan


• dance to 90's alternative music


• take another very long cat nap


• watch something campy on netflix: a horror classic or an unfunny comedy


• continue the collage I've started


• eat cheesecake


• thumb through the book i can't seem to finish (the grief of of others)


• watch x-factor


• take more pictures of the moon


• watch nickelodeon: 90's edition


• fall asleep


• dream sweet dreams


• wake up


• repeat.

Booksellers Lament

Dear Crazy Customer,

I couldn't care less that we don't have the magazine you read religiously, every month, on our shelf. It is not my problem, or honestly my issue, that you think our store has some secret agenda to make you shop elsewhere. I understand that you shop here EVERY day( i know because I see you. every. fucking day), and can NEVER find the items that you want. If we carried every magazine in the whole entire world, well we'd be a warehouse or Amazon.

The moment I sign out for the day, and put on my jacket and scarf, I am not a property of the store. Which means that while you can (but shouldn't) stop me on my way out the door, after a grueling eight hour shift, to bitch and complain and raise your voice to the point that everyone thinks you are yelling at me, to inform me that we, once again, don't have a particular item you wanted in the store..... I have every right to tell you to Go Fuck Yourself and shop somewhere else.

Well, that's what I'm allowed to say because I'm not on the clock anymore. Evident by the lack of name tag, interest in talking to you, and cell phone in my hand. But because I was too polite to say GO FUCK YOURSELF aloud , suggesting you shop somewhere else was totally in my means. Even if it was to get you the hell out of my face. Also suggesting that you find a store that meets your shopping needs was the bitchy way of telling you your mental and emotional needs need tending to before anything else.

Because why else would you stop me as I am mere inches from the exit, and freedom, to trouble me with an issue that doesn't concern me anymore? Did it look like I cared that we didn't have your magazine in stock? Hell, did the fact that i put on my headphones, not give you a hint that i was no longer interested in talking to you?

Of course not. Because not only are you crazy but you're an idiot that's why. And because you think those of us who work at Le Sad Store have a cot in the back where we sleep (because naturally we don't have lives outside of the store) you continued to 'talk loudly' as I nodded my head in disbelief.


You better be glad, the manager (who saw i was in some what of a pickle), came over to ask if you needed any help. You better be glad that my interview on Friday went sorta really well. And that I get this second interview you can bet my ass I am going to ace the hell out of it to get the hell away from customers like you. Because my patience of steel was beginning to give way after listening to you for 5 minutes.

I was, in all honesty, about to unleash a very unladylike verbal assault on your ears that would begin and end with me telling you, in not so pleasant words, that the next time you stop me for help and I am not clocked in, I will unleash the last three years of pent of frustration from dumb ass customer much like yourself from my little but expletive filled mouth . AND that if you EVER raise your voice to me, I will personalize find the magazine you want, make you buy it, and tell you to shove it up your ass.

Now, Have A Nice Day.

From,

Your local Sales Associate at Le Sad Store.

Here We Go Again

I have an interview this Friday with a publishing company looking for an editorial assistant and while I am very excited about this new opportunity all i have been saying since I found out is.... 'here we go again'.

Don't me wrong, I am totally excited that a month after one of the worst interview experiences EVER, i have another job prospect on the horizon. It a nice editorial job that pays well over my asking price with a reputable company that deals with academic, nerdy, scholarly text (which I find interesting). But the part of me that is excited is only meet with the other side of me that knows this will be another 'i really need this job, I hope they offer me the position, please don't let this be another disappointment' couple of weeks.

I feel like i have enough publishing knowledge to talk about books and the market and my interest in their publishing house with out a problem...but I am seriously so burnt out from this job hunting experience (and interviewing process) that I feel a little off my game this week. Hell a lot off my game. And I am seriously considering taking a small, two week, break from applying to jobs just so I can regroup and gain the energy again to put myself out there.

On Monday I woke up with another huge ass spider bite on my arm, that was red and swollen and an eye sore to everyone at work. Because I spent last week in physical pain (felt like i had the flu) and Monday with an itchy arm, I've been on meds to restore my body to a functioning being again. Instead the effect has not been great; I feel sleepy, cranky, lethargic and besides myself with how drained I am. I wish I could take a week off from things for a while and just lounge in my room all day and sleep.

But life seems to be in motion suddenly. I am no longer at the starting line waiting for the whistle or shot to fire. Things are happening and actions need to be made from all angles and I have no other choice but to get out of this weird funk and be a part of the changes happening around me. Recently everything has felt so exciting and scary at the same time, and I wish i was in a better mood to handle it all.

I simply need to be able to handle it all.

I've already picked my interview outfit(because in the last three years I have acquired enough pieces where I don't have to buy anymore business clothes) and printed out all the necessary documents. I'm preparing enough to ask relevant questions about their company and the position being offered. And if all else fails and things don't go as well as I wanted (because that too is a possibility), I have mapped out a route to the nearest bakery in walking distance to their building.... that sells tasty cupcakes for me to buy.

Oh yeah, I'm a girl who knows how to prioritize.

Weekender

By the hammer of Thor I got Saturday off and don't have to be at work today until six o'clock today:which in all honesty is sort of like having all of Saturday and Sunday off. Thank gawd.




With all the hanging out, texting friends(why doesn't anyone actually talk on the phone anymore?), trips to the city and spending, what seems to be, all my money around town, having the weekend completely and utterly to myself is....refreshing.





I am struggling to find the balance between the part of me that likes being around people and having a great time and the other part of me that cannot survive without 'alone' time. The part of me that would some days rather stay home, alone ,with my music and books than out and about with people.





It's so weird how all of a sudden the social life has begun to fall into play. I have people who generally want to hang out with me and instead of shrugging them away 'um, no, i have other things to do' I've been trying really hard to put aside my primitive fears of socialization and engage in production and fun interactions with people. I realize that this has a lot to do with feelings of abandonment from Marie. I now completely understand why people rebound so quickly after a long relationship. You want to prove, to yourself/that person, that you were worth the relationship, i.e 'look at all the people lining up to be with me now that you're out of the way'.






The dissolution of Marie friendship has been a lot harder on me than I expected. For the last two months there has been complete silence from her, which is not completely unusual to be honest. We use to go three months without talking to one another in college. I'd get a phone call or text message out of the blue and we'd pick up right where we ended our last conversation. I quickly adjusted to my new role in our friendship post high school; while she flourished in college with her friends, and boyfriend and academic life I settled into my role as the one with not too much going on. The painful shy, anxious friend who would always be there when she decided to resurface and talk.




But after college, our roles sort of leveled out. We are both in our mid 20's, struggling to figure out what we want to do with our lives. She doesn't really speak to anyone from her college years and because I never had a lot of friends in college, we bonded over our shared sense of isolation and yearning to make connections with people. Our friendship, save a few rough patches, has been stronger than ever these last three years. She was the only person, outside of my mother, who I relied on for support and comfort.




But of course, when Marie started hanging out with this new guy from work, I knew that our friendship would suffer because past experience have proven that Marie will ditch me when a boy comes around. I don't even want to bring up the fact that when she started dating in college, she pretty much bailed on our friendship. Her phone conversations were always about him to the point where I had to tell her that she had a tendency of bringing him until all our conversations. What made it worse was that she was convinced her boyfriend and I needed to be friends. When I did go home and visit her on campus, it was never just to hang out with her. There was always this attempt, from her end, to have me hang out with her and her boyfriend which always ended with me feeling sad and isolated.

So while I didn't agree with her hanging out with new married man with two children, and spending all of her weekends with him out and about without his wife around, I was most anxious about this marking the end of our three year post grad friendship. That with this new dude around, my phone buddy and confidant would get all so caught up in the attention of a man to be a friend to me. Because all the signs were pointing to it. We couldn't get through a conversation without her mention his name. "I like him" "but not in that way you know" "he's married, I'm establishing boundaries" "I think I'm just crushing on him out of loneliness and because he's showing me attention"



And two months later my fears have been confirmed. Whether they are now having some torrid affair at work or just hanging out, Marie has disappeared. I've called her phone, sent her texts, tried to reach her via email....and I've gotten no response back. And in doing all of this I have felt like the hapless, pitiful girl pinning for attention from someone who doesn't want her anymore. I mean i have been friends with Marie since I was 12 years old. She is, really, the only link to my middle school and high school past. And as a person who hangs on so tightly to the past, not being her friend anymore feels like a death.




My last attempt to reach her was two weeks ago when me and 'cute boy from work' went to the city. I was anxious and nervous and on the verge of a panic attack and I needed someone to talk to. Boys make me nervous, even friendly ones from work. My first instinct was to call Marie(so she could calm me down or talk me out of it), but as I went to press her number, I realized that she was no longer the person I could reach out to. So I sent her a text, a short one, saying that this would be my last attempt to reach her. That i hoped she was okay and having a fun time wherever she was and that if we never spoke again I wanted to wish her well.

I'm done reaching out to someone who obviously doesn't want to be contacted. And I don't want to be that girl who is letting all these connections with people pass me by due, in part, to loyalty to Marie. I am not saying that she has in any way stopped me from fully becoming friends with people here. But for a while her long distance friendship was enough for me. Sure I still hung with a few people from work, but I was okay turning down invitations because Marie was there, always on the other end, to feed into my fears that the people I was around weren't necessarily the friends I'd envisioned.


But with Marie's absence I realized I may have been wrong. I've had a blast these last few weeks going to museum and having lunch with people. I mean "james franco' and I went to the city and geeked out to camera gear.And Kat and I went to Brooklyn and shopped for brownstones we could never afford on streets with pretty name. And maybe I am reaching out to people but I feel left in the dust and without a friend nearby to talk too but in a way it has helped me put myself out there and interact with people I would have normally shrugged away.


But it still remains difficult for me to not be quiet girl. Because even though people are lovely they are all so exhausting at the same time. I love being around my new found friends and having a good time and making the connections I was unable to do in school but my need for solitude is as important as my need for interactions. And while the last few weeks have been simply amazing (there is something about sitting next to a very cute introspective boy in a pizza shop that I am not able to explain) I feel as if I have had little time to myself. And it is making me anxious.

The activities that keep me sane have fallen to the wayside (reading, writing (especially on this journal and grilled cheese), library trips and tending to my room) and it makes me feel overwhelmed and like I am losing a pivotal part of myself necessary for survival. And after a fun day in Brooklyn I got really (really) sick to the point where I had to call out from work Wednesday. When I am sick I am overly emotional and inconsolable. My thoughts run rampant because mentally I am too tired to keep my irrational thoughts at bay. I was suppose to go to the city with Blue and friends this weekend but plans went downhill fast and I, and pretty much every one excluding Blue, ended up bailing.

I felt bad for not wanting to go. A part of me bailed because I didn't feel well and the other because I wanted to have Saturday to myself. Having to tell Matt this was more complicated than I wanted it to be and it ended with him saying 'well, disappointed doesn't explain how I feel right now'. I felt like I'd let him down because while I want to be the person who can just do things without a second though. And honestly, that is what I have felt the past few weeks, unable to handle what everyone expects from me as a now present Beckett.




And trying to find the balance who I am internally (and introverted, delicate, simple girl) and a the socially present me is more difficult than I thought. I have days where I'd just like to crawl back into the shell where I was the only residence and stay there for a very long time. But then I think about college and how lonely it was in my shell. I remember the nights I spent crying because I wanted to make connections with people and was not strong enough to do so.

On Thursday, I felt very weepy and overwhelmed by the direction my life is taking, which ended with me curled up in a ball in my bed listening to Sufjan Stevens. I'm beginning to think the root of my anxiety has a lot to do with the fact that I am a people pleaser (which is why i use to limited the amount of connections i made with them). I want to fit into a million and one different roles for the people in my life that I sometimes forget the essentials of breathing.

I'm a conflicted, conflicted girl who must find the balance to create a desire for harmony and happiness and never knew i desired. I didn't think it'd be this hard though.

This week, I've decided to spend tend to my introverted needs. I don't think I've been to the library in weeks and would really like to lounge around at home, with my cat, and read a lot of books. And plus with fall just around the corner, I want to bake apple tarts (and other desserts) and decorate (um, clean) my room. I am going to be a little selfish with my time this week, just so i can rejoin the world and my friends again.

Hopefully the awesomeness that was this weekend is an indication of how the rest of my week will go.

The New Girl.

I've just spent the last hour crying. Good Job, Beckett.

I am sort of overwhelmed with by my life lately. Marie has all but abandoned me, my social life is becoming a complicated web of boys, friends and money spending. And to top it off I am just plain old confused about life in general and what the hell i am supposed to be making of it.

Some days I read through old posts and wonder where the girl, who only three years ago was a basket case of anxiety and isolation, has gone. I can't believe 'she ever existed some days when I read entries about my lack of communication and inability to fit in. I can't get over the fact that there was a time where my nights were spent contemplating my life of solitude and loneliness. Where the small accomplishments of therapy, writing and sleep sustained me.

I look at who I am now, and the life I am leading and I am completely and utterly at a loss. I feel different. Stronger some days, more verbal, less scared maybe even a little braver. I mean, I hung out with the boy who looks like James Franco last Monday. Me, of all people. I couldn't even talk to Art Boy in college and there I was, spur of the moment, in the city with the hottest boy at our store.

We talked about art and life and our goals in the near future. We ate pizza in a small shop nearby and told everyone we ran into that we were NYU students. We sat in a park near union square and then took pictures of cool buildings as the sun came down.

And then, I headed to Brooklyn a few days later, and had a blast buying books and being social with Kat from work. I've put my past jealousy aside and found a friendship in her that is new and refreshing. We spent the whole day pretending like we were Brooklyn locals just hanging about on the weekend. I didn't get home til late in the evening and can honestly say I haven't had that much fun in quite some time.

But I don't think I am balancing a social life with the job hunt and other quarter life worries well. Everything feels so much more external. People are wanting more of my time that I feel like I don't have any moment to myself. I almost got in a near screaming match with a girl from work, who thinks we are the best of friends, because she was insulted I didn't hang out with her on the same day I went to Brooklyn. She literally said 'you aren't really prioritizing your time with friends well, are you?' and I was so freaking offended.

She invited me to watch Wrestling at her house with a mutual friend the same day, and an hour after, I told her I was going to a Book Expo this sunday. I told her I would see how the day went and come over if I had the time. Of course, I was having so much fun, I didn't want to leave early to head to some girls house I don't really like to watch wrestling. So I sent her a text, saying I wouldn't be able to make it, and she (and mutual friend) have been giving me grief all week about. Sulking and Huffing and damn near calling me a "Betrayer".

And I got so freaking upset about it last night because I am not even a huge fan of all these social activities. Sure I am having fun, and making friends, and hanging on to the words that come out of cute boys mouths but People are exhausting. And every time I make an effort to hang out with them I feel depleted and craving a more simple and intimate existence.

I feel like I don't have the time (or sometimes) energy to catch my breath in the silence anymore. I am an suddenly, inexplicably, being pulled in so many direction to the point where I am tearing at the seams. It's as if I am on the precipice of a million and one different outcomes and it is terrifying that I don't know who I eventually want to be or how to find the balance between my introversion in a very extroverted world..

More so, the crying spell has so much to do with me feeling like I am losing grip on who I am as a person. How do you maintain your sense of identity when everyone around you expects things from you? Am I moving so far away from who I was only three years ago? Are the changes in me positive? I just don't know. And tonight, of all nights, I just felt overwhelmed. Like I wish I was that girl again who spent her nights contemplating life with sufjan stevens and lessons from my therapy sessions rather than the one who everyone expects time from.

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and it makes me incredibly anxious and sad tonight.

Brooklyn!

Spent the day in Brooklyn for a Book Expo downtown.

And I must say, this Borough has stolen my heart. I didn't think the city could ever be this green.

I have a lot more pictures and of course things to write about but sleep is near and I don't think I can keep my eyes up any longer.

Until Tomorrow

Beckett

Oh, Boy...

....You will be trouble. I can tell already.

~Beckett.

What the Hell Am I Doing?

So if your very cute, though young (almost 20), co-worker asks you to hang out in the city with him for an afternoon of photo taking and window shopping (for camera things) what do you do?

You agree to go right?! I mean it's just hanging out. That's what normal people do. Normal people hang out with other normal people and don't suffer from huge anxiety about it right.

The kid who looks like James Franco asked me to go to the city today. Just for a quick run to some camera shops and maybe street food. Normally I would have said NO. That I have something else to do. But with Maria all but ditching me and our friendship (she hasn't contacted me in six week despite my attempts to call and text her) I am yearning for some friends.

I hate being the girl with nothing to do. While I value and love my solitude I want the option to hang out with people. To be a part of a group some days. And while a part of me would rather lounge around all day in my pj's I know that bailing on 'James Franco' would be wrong.

As a co-worker, I generally like him. Our conversations are easy and we seem to get along. I do have a tendency of feeling a lot older than him though at 25. He is so youthful and full of optimism that I have to shake my head some times at things he says (or the dumb tattoo of 'live life to the fullest' that he has on his arm).

But the introverted part of me needs to experience things more. I need to branch out from my cave every once in a while and say hi to the world. And while I have been repeating 'what am i doing, what am i doing, what the hell am I doing' all day, another part of me is excited for a chance to just hang out with someone for a while.

A very cute someone at that.

Hopefully this goes well.

The Rum Diary.

Jeepers Creepers remind me to never take a shot of rum...ever again.

I don't even know how to explain the last few days or weeks. And the fact that I am a tad bit tipsy is either going to make my feelings about everything sound really profound or dumb when I read this in the morning.

As I expected I did not get the job that I interviewed for two weeks ago. Hell, the fact that I didn't even send a thank you email and letter put a nail in that coffin. But it doesn't mean that i am still not utterly frustrated about my situation.

School for most undergrad and grad students started this week and every time some one comes in asking for a text book we don't have, a little piece of me aches. I still have no idea if I want to ever go to grad school but the more time I spend in the real world the more convinced I am that I don't have any skills outside of being book smart.

I seem to be an un-hirable person. I can't even get an interview for a receptionist job these days. What makes it worse is that Blue and I went on an interview the same week and he actually got the job he applied to. Even though this was his first interview out of college, ever, he managed to get the position with a company specializing in optic lens or something.

And I know that I have no interest in lens or manufacturing or eye wear(?!). I mean he has told me what he is going to be doing there a billion times and I still can't describe his title accurately, but nonetheless Blue is leaving. Come Tuesday he will no longer be an employee at Le Sad Store and that has brought up deep feelings of jealousy and resentment.

One of the first things he said to me when he found out he got the job was 'so, when are you going on your next interview' as if suddenly the struggle of job hunting had completely been eradicated from his mind. I may have shot him a really dirty look after I congratulated him on this new gig.

And while I applied to six or seven jobs last week, I have felt too tired and depleted to do so the last two days. Irene, on my side of town, turned out to be a ball of gusty wind and rain and while I got to stay home on Sunday (we actually closed the store) I have had little energy to do anything but sleep since then. I think I am getting sick. I fear I am becoming depressed. Whatever the case i feel as if i am coming apart at the seams from sheer frustration and angst.

It doesn't help that my main venting partner (marie) has all but ditched me. We got in an argument a few weeks ago because she befriended a married w/children gent at her job and I found the nature of their relationship weird. I don't mind that he's married, I don't mind that he had kids but I found it weird that he would take such an interest in hanging out with a girl 15 years his junior. Not only that but they talk about sex, love and relationships (a lot) as if he is just a single guy.

To make matters worse, they spend a lot of time hanging out without his wife or kids around. And she said that once they had a really inappropriate conversation in the car about coworkers having sex. He also sent me messages via facebook and text in order to better understand the nature of marie and I's friendship. My last correspondence with her had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't appreciate him calling my phone to ask me questions about marie. That I don't like strange married men sending me messages on facebook and that as a father of two children he should have better things to do than text me in the afternoon.

We haven't talked since then (roughly a month) and while she can really get under my skin, it's weird not having some one to express my frustrations with verbally. And now, more than ever, as everything seems to be changing around me I kind of wish I had a voice to talk to on the other end of the phone. I suddenly wish I weren't such a lone ranger.

To compensate for Marie's abandonment, I've been hanging out a lot with people from work in order to fill some of my down time. Applying to jobs and fretting all day can put me in a worse mood than not being able to find steady employment. So i am doing my best to balance a social life with career opportunities.

In an attempt to be social tonight we all went to a bar after checking out Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (kinda crappy but whatever it was six bucks) and Blue tagged along for his sort of celebratory hang out. We all decided to buy shots because the mood seemed right and we were pretty jovial.

I downed my first, and damnit last, rum over the sound of Blind Melon's No Rain. Every time I hear that song I get all kinds of sad. The song conjures up the image of the sad girl in the bumble bee outfit, mulling about around town all sad and depleted. And sure at the end she is all dancing in a field of sunflowers (and other bumble bees) accepting the things that aren't readily changeable in front of her, but she is resigned to happiness eventually.

I have not of course gotten there yet. Instead I feel like sweet bumble bee girl just as she is laughed off staged. Just as she is making her exit from the cruel bright lights of the real world. I am humble and out of sorts and teary eyed and I am simply trying to make sense of where I am suppose to go from here. And maybe this is just the beginning of my extraordinary life that I am making, but it still feels painful from time to time.

This could all be the Rum talking. I apologize. I don't know how Hemingway, Thompson and Kerouac did it. I guess I'm just not that kind of writer.

Can't wait to read this shit in the morning.

Beckett.

Irene is Coming....

...and Le Sad Store will remain open.

Despite the warnings, and the four people who have already called out days in advance for the storm, we will stay open the whole damn weekend.

Because even when the wind and rain come crashing through New York some asshole will still want to head to Le Sad Store for a Venti coffee while he/she glances at a magazine they won't buy.

I hate my life.

Unpaved Road.

Now that I have some time to myself (I don't have to be at work until 7 tonight) it's about time I describe the interview I went to Monday afternoon.


Oh, where to begin.


As you may know I was uber excited about Monday's interview. It seems that every time I get an opportunity to leave Le Sad Store I am filled with so many different emotions. Anxiety, Excitement, Apprehension, Glee and Terror.



It has a lot to do with the fact that come September (unless I find a job in the next two week or so) i will be embarking on my 3rd year at Le Sad Store. Three years of crappy customer service and in store plays, three years of helping people buy books that they don't want to read and giving the stank eye to teenagers.


Time flies and I know this best of all. When I moved to New York I had no intention of being a bookseller for three years. The first couple of months I was adamant that I would be on the fast track to a job, stability and maybe even an apartment (with a cat named Jack). Hell, I spent more time then contemplating my exit strategy than I do now.


The first few months were frustrating because the bulk of my internal dialogue was very self righteous. I can't even recount the countless conversations I had with my mom that began and ended with 'I'm better than this, i can't do this job anymore, what the hell am I doing with my life" complaints. The only difference now is that instead of complaining about my situation I have, for quite some time, been making an effort to get a new job. I feel as productive as ever about my job search but am continually disappointed with the results.

And I know (I know) the economy is bad. No one is hiring. My situation is not unusual. But it doesn't stop me from feeling pangs of jealousy towards the people around me who have landed gigs since I have been at Le Sad Store. Like Jenn (the girl who wanted me to move in with her) who is now working at some immigration law firm. Or the utterly boooooring Pamela, who recently graduated but got a job in mental health counseling and now may have a job in the city (via her facebook announcement). Even dumb funny Ryan, who was fired from the store a year ago for showing up high on a regular basis, is now selling life insurance in the city while he attends Columbia University.


And plenty other people have come and gone too: Evan, Ana, Erin, David, Paul, Kristina, Rachel. And every time someone else leaves it makes me feels as if the effort i'm putting in isn't one at all.


And it doesn't matter that I have NO interest in doing any of the jobs they've all landed. My jealousy stems more from them getting out of Le Sad Store rather than them finding (un)desirable employment. But it still makes me feel very frustrated. As if my attempts aren't really attempts at all because I've seen so little results.


And honestly, I just don't know how many more career books I can buy or interview suggestions I can read online. I already have a pile of job related books taking up space in my room that I am desperate to get rid of. I am completely and utterly over searching for a job but I don't have a choice but to keep trudging. I don't have any other choice but to wake up, go to work, try not to curse someone out and sleep so I can do it all over again.

But If I have to run into any more ex-employees of Le Sad Store who drop by just to see how 'we' are holding up I might just barf. This is literally making the job search unbearable and my time at Le Sad Store more heartbreaking. Ever so often someone who use to work there will stop by and want to chat and discuss old times. Of course they never are there to shop for books, it's always 'oh, i was in the area' thought I'd stop by to see who was left...to see if anything changed'

And of course I am there to remind that nothing has changed at all, not even me.

So when I was contacted for an interview from the Vice President of what I thought was a 'really cool' production/distribution company I was elated. I haven't had an interview since March and that one sort of left me feeling crappy. I spent more time defending myself as a bookseller than explaining why my experience in book publishing (including sales) would be transferable to a literary agency.

He actually told me that the position would be 'a leap' for someone in my situation. That going from book sales to a job within a literary agency was 'a little impractical'.


And while I shot back hard "I wouldn't call it an impractical leap. This isn't a leap, from say, working in medicine and then deciding one day that I want to pursue a career in publishing. I am versed in all areas of publishing from book sales to editorial and production. It's more of a transition to an appropriate area than anything else', he has now being the voice of doubt in my head


Sometimes I still hear his voice telling me that I cannot do this, that I should consider being a bookseller for good. I hear his voice and it beats down my confidence (though I know one day it will give me strength) with his stupid assertions. I still have fears, if you can call them that I am unqualified for things. From receptionist jobs to even sales associate things, I am consumed with unwavering fears that I am only book smart and nothing more.

And yeah, i've gotten some interviews and made some impressions but I am still at Le Sad Store and miserable. And I worry that it is because I am starting to believe what he said may be true.


But thoughts only consume me 5% of the time. I push them away as much as I can. I continue to apply and commit myself to finding better employment. And when I was invited in for an interview I was prepared to rock it. F*ck _____ Literary Agency and their dumb insensitive totally off the mark boss.

I found the opening for this job on a site that I frequent often. They are pretty good resource for me because the jobs are related only on the creative field. 3 out of the 4 interviews I have gone on have been from using this job site and they post listings from huge organization to smaller but still reputable agencies.

From the description of this job I knew I was a little unqualified. The opening was for a Sales Coordinator with a television distribution company that I have never heard of but was excited to pursue regardless. I researched their website before sending off my cover letter and resume was all sorts of excited about the opportunity to join an company where my sales background would be an asset rather than a questionable work experience. And from the description it seemed like a role I could grow in with a company well know internationally.


Outside of preparing for Sales Related questions, I bought a nice skirt and shirt to complement my new found confidence. I looked all sort of professional the morning of and even had some industry related questions to ask.

And this is where things fell to shit. But not on my part.


The moment I get to the interview I am quickly struck by how small the office is, if you can even call it that. It is literally a small loft with a partition creating an extra office space. It was as if someone rented out a room in a really expensive building to make as their own personal studio. And because I am use to working in Sales I quickly noticed how little room there was to conduct any of the Sales related job responsibilities posted in the ad.

In fact, there wasn't room for more than three people to work out of the office.

Don't worry. This was not a sketchy 'oh shit I've just walked into a really scary situation' scenario but this was definitely not the thriving, exciting, distribution company I imagined in my mind. Furthermore this was not the team oriented, fast paced, sales environment I applied to. Turns out, the distribution company is tiny (only 65 employees work for the whole damn company;throughout 5 countries) and the Sales Coordinator position was really a 'Personal Assistant' gig to a newly formed division of the company. The guy, who actually is the vice president, works out of a small office in midtown Manhattan where he is the sole operator of the office.


The job would encompass everything but Sales including 'you see that broom in the corner' 'yes' 'I'd need someone to sweep up every once in a while too'. Not only was I unqualified for the position (not the sweeping part but the 'I need but the person I hire for this job to be my right hand man' 'meaning' 'if i were to get hit by a bus while i were away on business, i would need you to run this office as if you were me' 'well, lets hope you don't get run over by any buses soon'.

The main issue with the whole interview was that I wasn't even interviewing for the damn job I applied to online. There was no Sales Team or thriving, fast paced environment. There was no opportunity for growth or working in a group setting. Instead it was a solitary, all encompassing, 'i need someone who doesn't need training' situation. Which wasn't at all what he describe in the job description.


This wasn't even a situation where I felt like I'd blown the interview. He obviously stretched the truth on the job site about the job title and because I walked in having all of my Sales knowledge present I was not prepared to answer anything about film distribution. While I have never been on a blind date I can only equate my interview on Monday to one. We didn't click. There was no connection and I sort of wanted it to be over so I could go home (or go to the Moma with Heather as I ended up doing).


It was a hot mess. When I got in the elevator I was consumed with...laughter. The whole thing was absurd. He'd wasted my time, by posing the job as a Sales Coordinator position when it turned out to be everything but, and I'd wasted his by not knowing anything about Film Distribution or the company.

I am not sad that this did not work out. In fact, I even went against business etiquette by not sending him a thank you email and letter. I refused to extend any gratitude after his false advertisement. It is not a job I would ever want to do for so many reasons, and for him to obviously stretch the truth to get more applicants to apply was a little shady.

But I am sad that I am back at square one. That I am back in line to search for new and better employment. I don't know what else I can do to find a job. I just don't. And at this point I am doubting the road I am on because thus far it has lead me nowhere.

I did end the day on a high note though. Heather and I made plans to hit up the Moma and then Dylans Candy shop in the city after my interview. And let me tell you it was the relief I needed after that horrible mess of a job interview. We had a blast walking around midtown Manhattan and taking pictures. The Moma turned out to be an exciting place of contemporary art and a Post Secret exhibit. And Dylan's candy. Well, need I say more. It was three floors of candy, candy, candy and a bakery on the third floor. I'll try to upload the pictures later on this week.

So yeah, back at square one. I've applied to some literary agency's this week and hope to hear something back from one or two of them. My spirits aren't down but am very tired of the search. It feels like am a directionless and that is possibly the worst feeling ever.

Ack, It's Monday!

Sooooo my interview is today. Holy crap I'm a bundle of nerves.





Yesterday at Le Sad Store was absolutely hectic and crazy. Despite torrential rain and looming thunderstorm people were at the store as if we were going out of business. The moment I walked in I couldn't helped but feel swamped by the amount of people crowding the aisles and cafe.





When I finally clocked in, I found out that three people called out and that we would be short staffed the whole night. Because the interview for today is scheduled a lot later than I am use to having them (mid afternoon, instead of early morning) I have contemplated whether to call out from work interview day (today) instead of coming in.





I mean, I rarely called out and I have gone to interviews before with work just hours away. I decided that I would get to work on Sunday and see how I felt. Sunday would determine whether I would want to go in; especially with a six day work week (because Evil Manager is a...evil manager).





Needless to say, I am calling out today. Yesterday was dreadful and I may have cried in an aisle. The three people who called out did so because of a party they were all attending ( i know, because they told me via texts) and combined with the state of the store and the mood of customers I quickly decided that I would call out today. Yeah, it ain't happening. After my shower, I hope I'll have a better excuse (stomach ailments) for this Interview/Bueller Day.





Outside of the disaster that was last night, I am completely excited about the interview today. I feel confident and spiffy (a tad bit nervous) and just plain excited to talk about my awesomeness to the HR Manager. This job is amazing and the company is too, and for once I feel like everything I have learned in the last three years will translate well in this sales position.





It is raining something awful outside but I will take it as a good sign. Heather and I have plans after the Big Interview to grab cupcakes and walk around the city (hence the bueller day) with two prospective new jobs at our fingertips.





I haven't been this excited in a very long time! I am so ready to take control of my life and this job will be the first step in doing so.

Ack! Time to get ready.

Butterfly Stomach.

It's Friday and I have a lot to do.

Now that I have had a a few days to digest, dance because of, freak out on and silently pray about my interview I am slowing putting everything together before 2pm Monday afternoon.

In an exciting turn of events Blue and Heather also got interviews next week, making August a hell of a lot more exciting than I could have ever imagined. At 25, the bulk of my conversations with friends involves our fears and anxiety about stability or rather our lack of it. Some of us, simply want to be able to um, have crappy entry level jobs that will at least get us into the career world.

Blue sent me a text the other day that he'd gotten an interview and was both nervous and excited about it. I of course then had to admit that I too had an interview and was (am) feeling the same sort of general worries.We spent the bulk of the day trying to hype each other up: "we can do this", "we are smart and intelligent" "we have the experience" "go team, go" before wishing each other luck.

The thought of leaving Le Sad Store is all consuming. While I prepare to answer questions about why I am qualified and damn well good enough for this job, the me who thinks a million and one steps ahead of where I am, can't get thoughts of financial stability, weekends off and not having to deal with ashats at Le Sad Store out of my head. This week, evil manager, once again told us that hours will be slashed if we don't sell enough members benefit cards but she is still hiring new people in a few weeks to compensate for the lack of man power we have on the floor.

Complete bullshit.

I am wearing thin at Le Sad Store. All of my resources are being used to the point where I don't have any said up for my own happiness. Next week, I am working 6 days, all closing shifts, because Evil manager is an idiot. Unless you have a position within the store that requires you to be there in the morning (shelving, newsstand, receiving) the only hours available are closing shifts. And I hate closing. I hate having to usher people out of the store because they ignored the closing damn made 15 minutes before close. I then hate having to clean up after people and straighten shit and getting home around midnight on a Monday.

I've been at Le Sad Store for so long, I feel like a captive who dreams of what freedom would look like...on a daily basis. And at 25, it simple consists a job that is demanding, challenging where I can establish professional experience. It is of having an office desk, an office extension, oh and money to spend on cooking and writing things.

I was so defeated after the last interview because he made me feel like I couldn't be anything more than a bookseller. But I know I am much more than that. I am smart and savvy and interesting. I am capable of doing so much more.

So yeah, this interview on Monday is a big deal for me because I have the opportunity to alter my living situation and I will have a job that is pretty freaking awesome! My stomach is in all kinds of knots because of this though. I'll have to keep it together until Monday.

I have made a list of things I need to do today, including: buying a new interview outfit, researching the company(outside of what I've already done), running prep interview questions, dancing, getting my resume and references printed on some fine paper and not freaking out.

I have a little money saved to buy a new interview outfit (but still inexpensive) because the suit that I have is very heavy for August and I'd rather not be a sweaty applicant. I want to do a dress skirt, blazer thing that is professional yet light. And what I have discovered is that when I look great, I feel confident. I need to be confident on Monday. I need to have my shit together. I need to sell myself and my ability to do the job. Looking sharp will help!

T-minus three days before the Big Interview. God, I'm nervous. Excited and Scared. I have suddenly become the 25 year old who wants stability over anything else. And I am completely okay with this.

Wish me luck.

Will This Be My Year?

I just got an interview with the company of my dreams!

Snerks Gerks. I am now nervous and excited. This is my first interview since the disastrous literary agency one (where he pretty much said I should consider being a bookseller, for life) and to say this is a big deal is an understatement.

What to do? What to do? First thing, don't freak out. Secondly, prepare to rock this interview like my life is on the line. No pressure, right?

I scheduled it for this Monday to give me some preparing time. "How to land a job" pointers would be much appreciated as I have not been great in that department.

I'm excited. And freaking out. And pondering what I should wear and say. Oh damn, let the madness begin.

The Walk Of Shame

Guess who didn't get home until 8:30 this morning. Yeah, this chick and I don't even have a cool torrid story of a passionate night with Sufjan Stevens to thank for it.

I know the term "walk of shame" has little to do with the events I am about to describe but the title seems fitting; especially because I looked all sorts of shame filled as I walked home wearing the same clothes and hair a mess in the wee hours of the morning.

Before I left for vacation I agreed to work a weird overnight shift at Le Sad Store (upon my arrival) because of current renovations taking place there. Apparently this happens ever so often. Planograms come down from corporate as they make changes to Le Sad Store based on the ever changing face of book retail.

I hate that while I work at a bookstore we are constantly reminded, from managers, the people aren't really buying books anymore. Not at Big, Dumb, Bookstores that sell Coffee and Charades next to aisle containing books by James Joyce and Kerouac anyway. Instead, the way 'some' companies are staying afloat has a lot to do with how little books they actually sell. If people aren't buying as many books as they use to, fill the place with other options. Games, stationery, school supplies, oh and did I mention coffee. Before you know it a bookstore looks less like a bookstore and more like a Department store or Target save all the red.

We knew in advance that a big changeover was upon us. Less books, more crap and a month or so of people (who agreed) working overnight shifts to help the 'renovation' without the hassle of customers. Not dealing with customers was the main reason I agreed to work an overnight or two. Thought I've never done one before I figured I could come to work in regular clothes, not deal with customers and spend all night moving things around with friends. How hard could that be.

The answer is: extremely.

I only found out last Tuesday that I would be working an overnight this Sunday and I was a little more nervous than I thought I would be. For one, I am a sleeper. I sleep a lot. I can sleep for 8 hours, take a four nap and still find another 8 hours to sleep when I get home. I am not even sure the math adds up (4+8+8= 20. That can't be right. And yes, I had to use a calculator) but the point is I have a sleep schedule that I am not entirely proud of but that I follow very well and which would be greatly altered with an overnight.

Secondly, the overnight crew has for the past few weeks consisted of six people working a shift. For some reason, this was downgraded on Sunday to three (a one manager) people in 'charge' of greatly altering the landscape of the kids department.

While I was excited to learn that McAbs (memba' him) would be working the overnight with me, I was still a little...apprehensive. From 9pm to 5:30 in the morning I would have to haul ass to complete an entire renovation of the children's department before morning.

I quickly solved the sleep dilemma by sleeping in all day Sunday. I then bought coffee and red bull when I got to work and stored them in the fridge to be consumed only when deemed necessary. The first part of the night went well. I didn't get tired (or cranky) as quickly as I thought I would. The nice manager bought pizza and made cupcakes for us so I was buzzed from greasy pizza and cupcakes. And while I may never be allowed to use a hammer again I didn't break anything worth replacing.

But closing with McAbs (and my other potential work crush; a nerdy guy who forced me to watch Star Wars or threatened defriending me. in life) was not as great as I thought it would be. I have really absurd ideas about relationships due to my lack of substantial ones. While McAbs and I (and to an extend Star Wars dude) continue to have a really weird flirty thing going on, I can't help but weigh the options of what more there could be between us. You know, if he was single and all.

Because I do like McAbs. Not on the same level as I liked Simon but boys are different. McAbs is a handy, smart, sometimes crude guy who makes me laugh and gives great hugs. He has this running joke that I am his 'work' girlfriend in part because we act like we are in a relationship at work. I nag him about being a brute and forgetting to hug me before he leaves and he ....well okay, so he isn't much of faux boyfriend but he gives really great hugs. I'm a sucker for hugs.

But trust me it's completely innocent. I would never put myself in the position for him to take advantage or for me to get my feelings hurt. He does have a girlfriend and i morals so outside being playful it has gone past the Danger Zone (I've been watching a lot of Archer lately. the phrase is permanently stuck in my head)

I am more than open to a healthy relationship with a single, cute and smart boy who is interested only in being good to me. More than ever it's sort of what I want. Everything else about my life is so unstable (money, job, the damn weather) that having a significant other would be nice.

But until then I sort of still live in la-la lands of what if's in the boy department . I still run truly inappropriate scenarios in my mind involving McAbs and kissy face. And yes, I was a tad excited about 'spending the night' with McAbs,for the most part, alone in Le Sad Store where we could interact (and talk) outside of customers and watchful managers. Because outside of him driving me home on occasions I rarely interact with Mcabs outside of work. He lives in a different town, has a girlfriend and other friends. And because I know that I am a different person once my work shoes come off, I kind of wanted to see McAbs for who he is outside of the constraints of work. Though the irony being that we were both at working during my little experiment.

But after last night I don't think I could tolerate McAbs longer than 20 minutes in the 'real world'. Though he is very cute and muscly and green eye-d (sometimes blue) he was a mess of a boy come the last half of our shift. Not only did he eat too much pizza, drink too much coffee and then complain of stomach ailments the rest of the night but he was frustratingly hard to talk to. When he wasn't talking about his 'junk' or what could be done with his 'junk' or why i would enjoy the 'junk' he was irritable and snappish.

At one point he was like 'i don't mean to complain' followed by a complain and all I could do was walk away for his safety and mine. And i know that we weren't in a typical outside of work environment (being at work and all) but we had the luxury of interacting with each other like two people and he was completely an ass.

He also did not look as vulnerable and cute come 3am, which I imagined all boys happen to be, in the morning when the weariness set in. He was just a big, honking, mess of repeated bathroom runs (he really did eat too much) and frustration. Not only that but both boys got kind of antsy when 5:30 rolled around and we still had a shit more things to do in the department. While I was committed to staying until I possibly couldn't the boys were ready to go and the nice manager sent them home instead of listening to them bitch.

As they were leaving, I was in the music department reloading the cd player for when McAbs and Star Wars Nerd asked if they should stay and help. I don't think that's a question you ask when two other people are staying. Hell, I was tired too. But I wanted to complete the project I was there to do AND I didn't want to leave the manager with a hell of a mess on her hands. And for some reason I thought they should have wanted to stay too. You know, to man up and stick it out. But they didn't. So I ignored them both put on some Adele and worked an extra three hours doing as much as I could while Rolling in the Deep played on rotation.

By the time I left it was 8:30, and I was all sorts of rough looking. People on the street looked at me as if I had just had some scandalous evening with a man and I was too tired to even shoot them the 'if you only knew the half of it story'. Yeah, this week is a not a good week for my crush on Mcabs. And my Walk of Shame was uneventful and tiring. I guess it's for the best.

Of course my back (from all the shifting and lifting and curling up in a ball )is a wreck now and I am all sorts of achy. I suppose another shower would help but at this point moving is damn near impossible. I have also not slept in 24 hours, in order to make sleeping a lot easier tonight, and cannot wait until it is bedtime (I imagine I will look something like my cat, pictured above, when sleep rolls around).

Dear Life, please start getting a little more manageable. I would greatly appreciate it.