I swear i am not Bi-Polar

Trust me it is rough. I don't always have updays, i don't expect them. But i hate always feeling like the outsider sometimes, though being on the outside is sort of inspiring at times.

My mom is great and she bust her ass to help me in anyway shape or form. She hates seeing me cry, because the only time i do it is when i am feeling really low. She gets mad at herself almost as much i get mad at myself, and knowing that i am sad makes her sad. We are like connected that way. She is my only friend. I mean literally , not in the Gilmore Girlisque way. But in like i real way. We are both kind of on the outside and a lot of times being their frustrates us both. I love her though, more than she will ever know, i understand that finanically she does not have the money to afford this single room. But she tried her hardest to get the money, i honestly think she would have sold her soul to the devil just so i could have the money. We take out our frustrations on the ones we love the most, and b/c of that i take most of my frustration out on her.

After the whole "beckett you have to move into a new room" phone conversation, i headed off to good old work. Though i tried to have a smile on my face, my boss(he is like the manager, but 24), who i usually joke around with noticed that i was a little down today. I had to lie, because telling the truth might have just made me mad again. SO i said that i had all day classes today and that i was a little worn out. It was nice of him to notice that i was sad, it's like criteria of people i want to be friends with. Clearly if you see that i am upset, ask me about it? He was sympathetic and offered to make me a cappucino. I can't say no to free( though he may dock from pay) coffee, and he made me and the other guys pizza for more energy.

Sweeping away, drinking my cap. from time to time, my desperation sort of calmed down. As i stated in early entries i have horrible anxiety,and the thought of living with someone, taking in part my horrible experience last semester with a roommate, my anxiety went up the roof.

The one part of my personality i like the most is that i always come up with a new plan ,before surrending.Surely there must be a loan i can take out at my bank. SO tomorrow before walking to the room change lady, i will go to bank. See if there anything that i can pull out of the hat. Without optimism i would be no where. Luckily i have that. Maybe that is all we have, a little hope that gets us through the day.

Not giving up, trust me i want to sometimes. It is easier to fail then it is to succeed, and life sucks at times. It's not a movie, the ending isn't always clear, but like an avid movie goer, i watch and go through the whole thing before i have my opinion of it. That's how i take life, until i am old and grey i will go through it, and only on the last moments when i look back on my life i decide whether to give it two thumbs up or down.

P.S. Through all this craziness i forgot to at least write down the highlight of my day. I'm taking a english class that deals with poetry. I suck at poetry. We had to write an interpretation tuesday in class on a philosophical quote, and we would recieve a Check +, Check, Check -, or O. So today she hands back our papers, but announces that everyone got a check + but that those with comments she wrote on them were really good. So i get my paper back and it has a Check + + on it. Apparently I am a good writer. of course now i have to keep up the insightfulness, but i'm happy that grade wise this semester is starting out good. I can't believe i am a college sophomore and still i have classes in which the check method is used.