Visiting day

Like some inmate in jail, my mother came to visit me and bring supplies that will cover me during my stay. I was exicted that she was coming, she's the only person i can stand for long periods of time, and someone who you don't have to make mindless chatter with to feel connected. Of course when she came and discussed money woes i then regretted her stopping and bringing up the fact that money is going to be tight, and more pressure is on me. I instantly become quiet and don't feel much like talkng anymore.

I don't think what anyone knows(except the people who read this blog, which is no one) is that cry almost everyday. I'm not usually a cryer. When i was younger i never cried. Even when i got hit in the head with a basketball, fell and almost twisted my ankle, i never shed a tear. The only way my mom knew something was ever really wrong is when i actually cried, and usually they were things in which affected me emotionally, like when i figured out that i wouldn't be able to celebrate fathers day at my school like most kids, and that i kind of missed having a dad. That's usually where my tears came from. I remember spending weekends with him, and it's weird cause though my parents have been divorced since i was two, and if you ask me right now what dad's favorite color is, I wouldn't be able to tell you. But whenever me and him are together it's like we are these the only two people who matter. It's this ease that we have with each other, like a big secret of the world that only the two of us have. At the time i didn't know what it was, but leaving his house was tramutizing. On that particular night, on the way back home, i sat in the back of my mom's van and cried. Silently wishing i would never have to leave him, and that i could care for him always. He is the only man who will ever make me cry, and the only one who i will invest all my faith so much that it hurts.

*Anyway*

Lately i've been crying like it is a job. I usually do it in my room, in the hallway back to my room, biting my lip down the street to reframe from crying. It's sickening. Eventually i get over it, mad at myself for crying, and vowing not to do it again. Well today that's how it was, except i had to do it in the bathroom so my mom wouldn't see it. And then the day got better. Crying for me is the release that i am looking for with all this pint up aggression, frustration, and everything else. We just have to do whatever we can to survive this semester. It's going to be fucking rough, more tears will be shed, but we only have each other, and with we can overcome anything. We left on a good note, and i was determined to work hard. At everything, at everyprice.

So i head back to my room, and my friend calls. I don't even know why i call her a friend, she patrionizes me, belittles me, and straight up is mean. But she's my only friend and for that reason i remain in speaking terms with her. She wants to know what i am doing, i tell her about my job. And instantly she rags on it. She teased when i didn't have a job, and than critizes me when i get job. Saying that it is stupid to get a job during school when i have never had one. Well what the Fuck else am i suppose to do. Not get a job, and not go to school, or get one so i can help my mom out a little. LAY OFF. Sometimes i would rather just not have her as a friend at all, when all she does is critizes every move that i make, and rub it in my face of all that she is doing. Well Fuck off. Just fuck off, and leave me alone for Christ sakes.

Maybe i'm a loner at heart.