stifled cries

My head is beeming from all the crying i have managed to do in the last half hour. My brother can literally make a day miserable. Like he was one of the kids who first found out that santa claus wasn't real and decides to tell everyone his new information despite hurtung their feelings. I've talked about money woes before, now the woes have turned into damnation. My mom has been cutting back on a lot of things just to send me to this school that i hate. She cut down on cable, stop spending money on the weekends, and to my brother dismay cut off his phone line(since he doesn't pay for it) who else gets to hear this junk but me, as he calls my cell and is yelling hysterically about the situation. I am like flabbergasted that he would call me and yell about some stupid shit as the phone when he knows my mom is going through hell paying for this room. books. rent. bills. his car insurance. the list is endless.

I on turn feel completely horrible for being such a burden. A horrible horrible burden who is causing the money problems for my mom, who is now looking for a second job. We can't get out of this contract for the room but it would be a $1000 cancellation fee for backingout of the contract, and thus i am stuck. I completely just hate myself sometimes. Like why can't i just be that smiling happy girl walking down the street, instead of this complete waste i have become, who manages to put my family through hell and the poor house just so i can attend school. And what is worse is that i have no one to lean on. Know one to even care about the crying girl in her room.

When i get really like this, i do think of cutting myself. I'm not going to lie. I don't think of cutting to kill myself. That's just too selfish, and i know my mother wouldn't survive my death. I contemplate cutting for release, i feel all these emotions balled up inside, and i can't release it. My cries are even controlled, sporadic burst of tears, uneven breath and holding back weeps. I tried to once, but i couldn't break the skin and in turn just spent the whole day contemplating trying again. I can never find a sharp enough point, and afraid of leaving scares, so i bang my wrist up against something instead.

I hate seeing my mom suffer, i just hate it, and my brother is a crazy bastard anyway, who still thinks my mom owes him something though he is 21 and doing absolutely nothing with his life. And i'm just like "if i could have done better last year and got some scholarships this year", or "met a friend who i could have shared a room with instead of having to get a single, not of choice but of circumstance." Then all this wouldn't be happening, and i wouldn't feel so sad.