Prospective Digs

Once again through all the hecticness of the day, i forgot to write down the news about my apartment hunting. Something which at least makes me smile, which i don't seem to be doing a lot lately these days.

So, before school even started i knew that eventually i would need an apartment. The dorm, though i don't want to leave it, is a lot of money. Especially for someone who doesn't get their own bathroom. It is about 2grand a semester, plus with tuition its pretty high. So i did some searching on my colleg website for off campus living possibilities.

Of all the places i saw one that i liked the most. I am very simple person, a cable wire, air conditioning, bathroom and a bed is really all i need to be content. This place seems to be it. After my bank fiasco, i went to the apartments to check out the rooms. None is available right now and the waiting list is pretty long, but when i saw the place it was just right. It was so perfect.

It's just a one bedroom, living room, bathroom, and a kitchen without a sink. Weird b/c there is a stove, don't know why you would have a stove without a sink. Nethertheless i was enchanted as soon as i walked in.

I kind of take in the residents i see living in the building. As soon as i got to the entrance to boys came out with a cute dog. Check Plus. I step into it, and it is like stepping into a historic place. Really 1930's in interior, old elevator with the large buttons on it. The lady who showed me the apartment was very nice, and hopefully she will remember my face when going over the list.

Thw view was awesome, across from the theater i previously talked about, and right in front of the mexican cafe. Also it is like 10 steps away from 1) my job 2) school. Getting it would be a relief from all the stress i am feeling at this point.

I'm so tired, but i don't want to go to sleep. It's like the opposite of christmas in that i'm not going to wake up with a bunch of presents under the tree, but it is more the feeling the night before. Of the antsiness in the pit of your stomach which prevents you from having a good nights sleep. My eyelids are literally droping as i speak and it's only 9 o'clock.

My mother is avoiding my calls. Clearly she feels bad, and after me hyperventalating on the phone about my not wanting to leave, i can imagine that she is feeling downright miserable at the fact that i am hurtung so bad.

The old Beckett would have totally not have cried on the phone with her, but i don't like this concept of me not being able to express how i feel. It was wierd, i was crying pretty hard on the phone and she's al like

"i can't talk to you like this, you are making me feel bad. Call me when you stop crying"

Well what am i suppose to do, pretend like i's all okay. Have a chirpy tone as i am talking to you, i want to cry, i want to vent, and the last i needed was someone telling me not to do so. I needed her to just listen, and i couldn't even get that.

I am so use to disappointment it has become my middle name. i hate to think that i am growing up to become a person who has lost all faith in people. But little by little i am, and it's frustrating. Almost in a sense that parents or family is in some way suppose to remind you that it's okay.

On the phone i just wanted to yell "You said it would be okay, you lied" Like a stubborn child i had honestly felt that she disappointed me. Like finding that your dad isn't superman,your mom can't make everything happen, and out of circumstance you have to deal.