I wish it would rain.

I know that some people dislike the rain. It puts them in a bad mood, and some how they cannot function throughout the day. I love the rain. For some reason it reminds me of my grandma.

My grandma died this summer, and to say it was a shock would once again be an understatement. My dad called late a night, but of course no one picks up the phone in my house. so we didn't recieve the message until the morning. I was sleeping, and my brother was knocking on my door. All i remember was being annoyed. Like why is he dragging me out of bed when it summer vacation.

I open, cursing under my breath, and all he says is that grandma died. I don't believe. I'm starting to think thats how it always is, 1 step Denial. I'm like "shutup, why would you say something like that." He had no emotion in his face, so obviously he's lying. He's like "dad left a message." So i go to the phone, check the voicemail, and then it came rushing down.

His voice so sad. I mean like devasted sad. Thats what put me over the edge. At that moment i didn't know what to do. Crying was the first thing i wanted, but the last thing i did. Instead i called my mom. When she answered the phone she also had that "annoyed voice", until i told her grandma had died.

The only that went my mind as i was lying, retreating, hiding, not accepting all these things was that I hoped that she liked me. Simple as that.

I mean, i don't usually reference things from the real world, but when Danny said that "the onluy person you want to talk to it(death) about is the person that you can't" well it's the truth. And the only thing that i wanted to ask her was "if she liked me"

Did she have a good life?
Was she happy with us?
I'm sorry i could have called more.
Said i love you more
Not been so afraid of your love more.
I hope i could have made you proud

I felt so bad mainly, because i was afraid of her. My grandma wasn't a knitting, cooking cookies, hugs and kisses grandma.

She played poker, smoked like it was a pasttime(she died of lung cancer), and cursed liked a sailor. I wasn't afraid of her for those reasons, but i always felt like she didn't like me. And when we moved, i didn't call as much.

That particular weekend, i had a dream my dad had died. So i called my grandma's(he was always there , they lived down the street from eachother), hoping to get in touch with him and wish him happy fathers day. He wasn't there. So i talked for like 3minutes. Asking if she doing okay, yadda yadda yadda. Except those yadda's i now regret. I was the last one from my family to talk to her. To ask her how she was. I feel so bad for being so scared of her all these years that it preventing me from showing how much i loved her.

We spent summers with her and my dad. In New York, there are like 3 story apartments. And each floor is one apartment. So my grandma lived on the second floor and my dad on the 3rd. The best memory i have of her, is when it was raining one day, and i was determined to go play outside. I knew she might not let me, but she handed me a shower cap, told me that i could have 5 minutes to run around in front of the house.

So there's me, letting to rain hit my face, looking up at my grandmother watching from the patio. And that is why i like the rain.

Soon after she died, it rained straight for like a week. I mean showered. Out of pure craziness i ran outside, in the freezing rain. Staring up at the sky, and i assume wishing her goodbye or maybe she was wishing me goodbye.