The pathological liar and me

My brother is a liar, and sometimes i think he is sociopath. It's frightening to think that this person you grew up with and sort of admired growing up isn't the person you see anymore. It is literally like staring in the face of a stranger, a dangerous one. Before we moved we lived in Westchester NY. I talk a lot about being lonely and having no friends, but in Westchester it wasn't the case. I was pretty popular, had a tight group of friends, and was happy then. My brother was another story, he was a little overweight and hung out with the dorky crowd, and it must have been tough for him when kids at Middle School would go "you are Beckett's Brother right?" seeing that he is older then me. As soon as we moved to the new town, the roles switched. I became the outsider while he flourished. But unlike him, i retained a sense of goodness, while his became distorted. It's like giving a man power who obviously never had before so in fear of losing it he becomes a tyrant to all who can expose his insecurities. Which would be my mother and i.

I mean i can go over the things that my brother has said or done. About 5 years ago, he threatened to kill my mother and i. We had to put locks on our doors for the fear that he would do it. I even wrote my own death letter, in case we ended up dying and they needed to know who did it. He said he hated us on a daily bases. He would tell his friends that we were horrible to him and that we were out to hold him back. He has stolen money from me, broken my stuff, and cursed me out when i don't agree with him. Which is often. He has his friends over all the time, drives the car though he doesn't have a license, and is downright evil. He lies like it is a normal thing. And he lies about everything. If he loses something, he will say i lost it,and then place the item in my room to make it look like i just overlooked a spot. He stole my cellphone when he left the house to go to his friends, i called it several times to see if i could hear it in the house. Then when i called again he cut the cell phone off. Then after my mom yelled at him, he said he just saw the cell phone in my room, putting it on my bed to make it look like i just missed it.

The kid is 21 years old. Failed Highschool, doesn't work, been arrested, and is just a continually disappointed. What irks us, is that he blames us for all of this. Like we in some way owe him for how he has fucked up his life. I'm not a psychologist but i do think he is crazy, and i do think he is sociopath. Out of the list his traits show up on almost all of them. His obsessive lying, his overdramatics, his egotism, selfishness, superiority complex, and the list goes on. It's like living in a house with someone who you absolutely dispise but who you continue to have faith in. You want him to succeed and be a good person, and believe that he will be the man of the family. Which isn't the case, i'm more man then he is, with the exemption of having a penis. I have taken over the role as older sibling, in his lack to be one. He isn't a good son, brother, or human being. And i don't think i want him in my life. It's painful to say and write down and think it, but Damn it's the truth.

My dad is no help in the department. I mean i love my dad, but he is not the greatest role model in the world. My grandma could have helped my brother out, but she died 2 months ago and now i don't even think my dad has the strength to deal with my brother's antics. I've never had a father figure. I always had to depend on myself for emotional security. My mom and i are more like friends, so she depends on me to make her proud and happy, and i think i spend more time doing that then trying to make myself happy. I feel the weight of my family on my shoulder and i think that is where my anxiety lies. Failure is not in my cards, i have no other option than to succeed b/c i feel that they depend on me to reverse this cycle.

I must admit i liked to be taken care of for a while. I liked for someone else to just be strong with or for me. It's stupidly idealistic, but i live in my fantasies. I write stories always of strong willed girls who encounter strong willed men who will just take the pressure off of them. Who lets them completely be vulnerable instead of this guard they have up. Every female character is me, tired, broken, struggling to continue on and then they met someone who will change their life forever. I don't believe soulmates are romantic interest. I think they are people who you met who affect your life so much that it seems if they were meant to meet you, to change you, to love, to care for you always. Most of them are love interest in my story, just so it doens't get all boring, but mainly they are confidants who you can depend and vice versa.

My mom is coming down today, of course my brother did something else that put her in a sour mood. I thnk the worst thing about my brother is not that he is pure evil, but that he just disappoints you. You believe and trust in him so much, and then he just manages to destroy it. And you feel stupid for having so much faith in him, like you have been trick. especially my mom. It's like talking to a dead dog, i keep telling her that you can't trust him, he's a liar, yadda yadda yadda, and it goes in one ear and out the other. But i'm always the first one she calls when he does something wrong. I'm always the one who has to pick up the pieces, put them back together, and wait for him to destroy it again. The story of my life.